Episode Seven of Season Three! — A Sunday-evening full episode IN WHICH —

0:01:35: THE MYSTERIES OF LONDON, Ch. 18:

• We start to unravel some of the secrets of Walter Sydney … as the scene opens, we see him — uh, her — in her boudoir, lounging on a French bed (with a boobie out, by the way, if the original art is to be believed!) and reading a book and complaining bitterly about having to keep up the charade of masculinity. But why is she doing so? And who is the mysterious Mr. Stephens whom she answers to?

0:20:45: TERRIFIC REGISTER ARTICLE:

• We learn the story of a Spanish lady who, trapped in a loveless marriage, induces her lover to murder her husband ...

0:28:50: AN ACCOUNT OF SOME STRANGE DISTURBANCES IN AUNGIER STREET, by J.S. LeFanu: Part 3 of 3

• In which we learn, from Richard and Tom's Irish maid, who and what the ghost of the Aungier Street mansion was, and how close Tom in particular came to making for it a fresh victim.

PLUS —

• We learn a new Flash song (starting around 0:27:20): "Moll in the Wad," full of fun highway-robber slang (see below). — And ...
• We browse through a few "recipes" for bad literature, published in Punch, the comedy magazine of the 1840s (starting around 0:47:20). — And ...
• We learn a few more Victorian "dad jokes" from good old Joe Miller!

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a one-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, unload your stumps, and let's go!

EPISODE ART is from The Mysteries of London, and shows "Mr. Walter Sydney" relaxing with a book in her boudoir.

A half-hour- long 'Hursday Horrors Minisode IN WHICH —

0:02:01: SWEENEY TODD Ch. 56, IN WHICH —:

• Back at the shop, Todd finds to his delight that a very likely prospect — a sailor just back from India with a pocket full of guineas — has come into his shop alone, unlike every other customer for the past few days. The sailor slipped in when Sir Richard’s men weren’t looking! Is Sir Richard’s decision to hold off arresting Todd about to cost a man his life? Will he be turned into pies?

0:14:33: TRIGGER WARNING!

• This is a Ha'penny Horrid 'Hursday episode. "Horrid" as in "horror." Thursday is the day we do all the grimdark, grisly, horrifying stories, starting right after the chapter of the daily Dreadful! So: If murders, war crimes, parricides, and other awful stuff are not something you are interested in hearing about, even 200 years later — you should skip to the next podcast in your queue after the Dreadful finishes up. Don't worry, we'll be back this coming Sunday for the regular Penny Dreadful Variety Hour, when this podcast will be back to being a bright, sunny romp through Penny Dreadful stories!

0:16:33: A MONSTROUSLY-CRUEL MURDER!!! and THE CRUEL CAPTAIN (two broadside ballad).

• On May 4, 1833, the mutilated body of 70-year-old Miss Catherine Elms was found in her house. The murderer had left valuable swag untouched, but had rifled through all her papers ... as far as I could learn, this crime was never solved.
• The Cruel Captain is a tragic ballad of a fair Plymouth maiden who let her beau, an Irish sea-captain, take her out alone on a boat as a date. He then ravished her and drowned her in the sea.

0:23:25: THE TERRIFIC REGISTER:

• An awful, but short, tale of a reluctantly-pregnant new mother who tried to give birth in secret and drown her newborn child in the sea.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the darkest and loathliest stories seen on the streets of early-Victorian London! Grab a flicker of blue ruin, switch off your mirror neurons, and let's go!

A "spicy" (-ish) Tuesday Twopenny Terrible minisode IN WHICH —

0:01:22: HIGHWAYMAN DICK TURPIN, Ch. 18-19, IN WHICH —:

• Leaving the church, Dick strikes out on foot for London, hoping to get Black Bess back. Then he meets a farmer with a wagon load of turnips and carrots, heading for Covent-garden market. The farmer gives Dick a lift. But, has the farmer recognized him? Will he try to turn him in and collect the £1000 reward? We shall see.

0:19:29: THREE SALACIOUS SALOON SONGS:

• "The Jolly Fishmonger," a frisky supper-club "flash song" from the 1830s, of the type sung lustily by, um, gentlemen when there were no ladies about. This one tells the story of the amorous adventure of a Strand fishmonger using as many fish and fishing puns as possible.
• "Madam Sneak," which tries more for funny than sexy. The last word of every line is omitted from the original text, but it's "arse."
• "My Wife's Funny Thing." Yes, it's THAT funny thing. It's nothing less than a whole 35-line drinking-song about lady-bits, phrased carefully enough that even George Carlin could sing it on TV without getting in trouble.

Join host Finn J.D. John. for a half-hour-long spree through the scandal-sheets and story papers of old London! Grab a decanter and top off your glass, unload your stumps, and let's go!

GLOSSARY OF FLASH TERMS USED IN THIS EPISODE:

• Roses, pinks and tulips: Aristocrats and high-society toffs.

• Knight of the brush and moon: Drunken fellow wandering amok in fields and ditches trying to stagger home.
• Chaffing: Talking and bantering while taking a glass or two.
• Crib: House, room, or chamber (modern equivalent is "joint"). Originally and still also used to refer to a prostitute's bedroom.

• Pippin: A funny fellow (of either sex); also a friendly way of greeting: How are you, my pippins?
• Bolt the moon: Fly by night
• Beaks: Magistrates, law enforcement authorities
• The tippy: The very best

FISH TERMS AND FLASH WORDS FROM "THE JOLLY FISHMONGER":

• As merry a grig: "Merry as a grig" was 1830s slang for "full of fun."
• "Reckoned a soul" means "considered a heavy drinker" — but of course "soul" is spelled like the fish here, SOLE.
• "In love with a maid" — in the 1830s "maid" meant "old maid." As a bonus, juvenile female sticklebacks are called maids. Our poet gets more mileage out of this one in the last line, although he calls the fish "thornback"; it's the same fish.
• "She dabb'd him" — "dab" meant lots of things, but one of them was to punch or slap. And, there was a type of flatfish called a dab.
• "She always delighted to play with his cod." Many possibilities here could mean his purse, or his scrotum; but the obvious reference is to a certain fish-shaped nether appendage (see: CODPIECE).
• "Would you not wish to have been in his plaice" — a plaice is a type of flatfish.
• "The neighbors smelt out" — a smelt is a type of small oily fish.