The death grip of control is often fueled by the fear of being separate and the fear that our needs will not be met.

Unmet needs in early development can literally signal the end of the world and be a matter of life or death.

This is far too much for the developing brain to make sense of. This overwhelm persists and lives inside of us manifesting as pain until we are able to reconcile the unfulfilled wish within our unmet needs.

As we revisit unmet needs, we will make contact with, and begin to make sense of, what has historically been too much to handle.

In doing so we can build a relationship with the parts of ourselves that have felt split, separate, splintered, isolated, alone, unsupported and/or in hiding. This helps these aspects of self come back online and integrate into wholeness.

And the more whole we become the less pain we carry

To grieve the loss of what never was is to meet the parts of ourselves that were never met, that were never held, that were never supported, that were never attuned to.

This helps us to finally feel and process the emotional impact of not having these needs met.

Then we no longer need to carry the burden of this emotional impact in the form of chronic pain, anxiety, depression or chronic illness.

As we meet these parts of self, we build a relationship to ourselves, from ourselves. And this is where repair happens. The splinter heals. The divide mends. And we can synthesize and make sense of life experience that previously was beyond comprehension.

And when we can make sense of our pain we shift our relationship to it.

This relationship we derive with ourselves then becomes the bedrock of the relationships we form with others. When we reconcile the unfulfilled wish, we are no longer beggars trying to drink from an empty well. We are no longer trying to get our unmet needs from early development fulfilled by others. This way we can show up in relationship established more deeply in our wholeness.

And this breaks cycles of codependence, helps us establish healthy boundaries and brings clarity in identifying what we feel and what we need in any given moment. It helps us accept that part of being human is to have needs and it frees us up to get our needs met with more and more skill and ease.

Last week we talked about how feeling isolated, alienated and alone fuel pain.

Guilt and fear are part of the equation of isolation.

We are likely to experience guilt when we feel separate.

And when we feel separate we are likely to fear judgment from others.

Judgement means potential alienation.

And alienation threatens our basic human need to belong which can trigger our fear of survival and become a breeding ground for pain.

Pain is pain is pain.

Meaning emotional pain is mental pain is physical pain.

One manifests as the other.

And one feeds into the other.

Guilt can lead to judgement and blame and shame and self criticism and negative self talk.

All of which fan the flames of chronic pain, anxiety, depression and chronic illness.

Being human is messy especially when living in survival mode.

What makes being human even more complicated is believing that we need to be perfect each step along the way.

Because, after all, part of being human is making mistakes and learning and growing from them.

Just think how toddlers learn to walk. They don’t get it right the first time around. If there ever was a thing called getting it right we only get it right by getting it wrong over and over and over again.

But if we believe we need to be perfect then any mis-step or mistake can set off the fear of surivival and sound the alarm signals of pain.

And this holds us back from living life.

And creates the climate for the doom cycle of fear and pain to spiral, leaving us spinning out of control.

People pleasing, over-achieving, lack of boundaries, putting our own needs on the back burner are all ways to manage guilt and fear and avoid pain.

But pain avoidance only makes pain worse.

It leads to a death-grip of control which invariable cues more fear and more pain and more illness.

Because beneath the control is fear and guilt and feelings of being separate from the whole.

But when we can accept ourselves as we are, and experience ourselves as connected to the whole, we can stop prejudging our actions.

Then we need not be afraid of making mistakes nor worry about what other people will think.

Instead of trying to control, well, everything, we can just do what seems right moment to moment.

This means we don’t overthink our way through life.

And with less overthinking comes less pain.

We are less stuck in the past and future and more resourced in the present.

And in the present is where true connection to ourselves and others and the universe is felt.

Then empathy can guide us rather than guilt or fear.

Guilt and fear keep us stuck in our heads, feeling separate in intellectual analysis.

Where empathy helps us live more from the heart where we can feel into ourselves and what is right.

We can feel more like ourselves and create distance between us and our pain.

As I shared in the last episode we can feel the one light shining through all eyes.

This shen, or spirit, in Chinese medicine is a recognition of our brightness, our power and our aliveness.

And in feeling connected to the whole we feel connected to ourselves.

We can feel at home within ourelves and the world.

This means less guilt, less fear and less pain.

Then the process of healing is one of discovering the truth of who we are.

Because let's face it, when we are riven by fear or guilt or judgement or shame we are driven by our survival strategies.

We begin to heal when we recognize we are not our survival strategies.

And this understanding allows our authentic nature to reveal itself beneath all of the costumes and masks we’ve accumulated in order to navigate the world and survive.

Moral of the story?

More authenticity equals less pain.

Less guarding and protection equals less pain.

Less identifying with our survival strategies equals less pain.

Less coping mechanisms equals less pain.

More self acceptance equals less pain.

Less hiding and less performing equals less pain.

Every culture, religion and spiritual tradition attempts to make sense of our relationship with the universe. It all comes down to the primary instinctual need to feel connected.

Separation leads to fear which distorts our body, mind and our behaviors and beliefs. In fact, babies separated from their mothers at birth can stay in adrenal shock for months!

The experience of separation creates a split within us. This fragmentation prevents us from experiencing the world with a whole mind and then we’re unable to perceive wholeness in the world.

This leaves us feeling separate from others, alone in the world and separate from existence itself. This leads to alienation, hiding behind masks and trying to improve ourselves to gain acceptance and a sense of belonging.

And it perpetuates cycls of chronic pain, anxiety, depression and chronic illness.

From myths to facts. When you better understand pain you are better equipped to overcome it.

When it comes to chronic pain and chronic illness a common coping strategy is to numb out.

This makes sense because a body in pain doesn’t feel like a safe place to inhabit.

In fact it can often feel like a very hostile environment.

And this leaves many people living from the neck up.

Sadly this makes things worse because it leads to thinking about pain more which actually makes pain worse.

Remember fear and attention fuel pain.

And the worse the pain gets the more pain catastrophizing and worst case scenario thinking take over.

And this creates a doom cycle of more fear and more pain.

Interoception is the sense of the internal state of the body or the signals originating within the body. The term was coined by British neurophysiologist Charles Sherrington.

It’s basically our ability to feel ourselves.

The more you suffer from chronic pain the more these signals can become disrupted or distorted.

And this can make it very difficult to heal.

While disassociation is a survival strategy trying to keep you safe, it also keeps you stuck in cycles of pain.

It hijacks the body’s innate ability to heal itself.

And healing can’t happen when the body, brain and nervous system are stuck in survival mode.

Numbing out and being stuck in a freeze response is a survival response.

Learning how to feel ourselves helps to thaw out the freeze response so we can shift from survival mode to healing mode.

Interoception is critical for our sense of embodiment, motivation, and well-being.

It’s the process of receiving, accessing and appraising internal bodily signals.

It’s intimately connected to self-regulation to support mental, emotional and physical balance.

Interoception aligns behavior with higher-order intentions. And when this happens two complimentary senses emerge:

#1: Presence.

Presence is our connection to the present moment.

Living in survival mode hijacks our connection to the present moment and keeps us stuck in the past and future.

#2 Agency.

Agency is our ability to effect change.

The more we can feel ourselves the more we can heal ourselves.

So the path to healing chronic pain is one where we start to reclaim our ability to feel ourselves.

Many of my clients feel like their body’s are war zones. And the last thing they want to do is feel themselves.

I get this.

Chronic pain becomes a combat zone of hypervigilance where the brain is always on the lookout for danger.

So your homework this week is to train the brain to be on the lookout for positive sensations.

Perhaps the warmth of the sun on your skin.

Or the weight of a comfy blanket.

Or the good feels of a happy memory.

You can literally let your imagination run wild with this.

Train your brain to pay attention to neutral or nice sensations.

Focus on activities that you love.

Connect with people you love.

Focus on learning something new.

This can all help you slowly start to feel yourself in safe ways.

And the more you feel yourself safely, the more you can thaw out the freeze response keeping you stuck in fear and pain.

And overtime you can grow in more presence and agency which can empower you shift out of surival mode so you can heal yourself.

It may take time and effort , but the more you practice, the easier it becomes.

And eventually the pain will lose its power and you will reclaim control over your life.

So each time you notice yourself numbing out or shutting down or overthinking try and notice a positive sensation.

The more you can lean into positive sensation the more you can feel and heal yourself.

More presence and more agency equal less pain.

In my adolescents and early 20’s my pain was unbearable. I literally felt like there was a monster living inside of me.

And I did everything in my power to wrestle that monster to the ground.

I tried to beat it down and make it submit.

In all honesty I wanted it to die.

The problem was this monster inside of me fought back with a vengeance.

And my pain only grew in intensity.

It felt like I was strangled by a vice grip with no way out.

But everything changed when I discovered that this monster inside of me was actually a wounded part of myself.

And this hurt, scared, alienated, confused part of me didn’t need to be approached with aggression or violence but with an open heart, a curious mind and receptive ears.

I started to heal when I stopped trying to destroy this wounded part of me.

I started to heal when I learned how to listen, understand and love this wounded part of me.

Ahimsa teaches non-violence and non-harming and it can be a total game changer on your road to chronic pain recovery.

Ahimsa can teach you how to shift your relationship to yourself and your pain.

It teaches me gentleness towards my body.

It teaches me gentleness towards my trauma responses.

It teaches me gentleness towards my thoughts, emotions, memories, beliefs and behaviors.

And the more I live in gentleness the more I’m able to disarm the fear that fuels pain.

Chronic pain often leads to frustration, anger, and even hostility towards the body.

So practicing ahimsa involves treating the body with kindness and compassion, acknowledging its inherent value and honoring its limitations.

By cultivating a gentle and loving attitude towards the body, we can reduce the emotional distress associated with pain and create a more supportive environment for healing.

Ahimsa helps us cultivate a mindful awareness. It encourages us to meet reality as it is, without judgment or resistance.

In the context of chronic pain, this means bringing mindful awareness to the present moment experience of pain, without trying to change it or wishing it away.

By cultivating awareness and acceptance of pain, we can reduce the psychological suffering often associated with chronic pain and develop a greater sense of resilience.

Chronic pain can trigger a natural impulse to resist or fight against it, which often exacerbates suffering.

Ahimsa teaches us to let go of the impulse to resist and instead surrender to the experience of pain with compassion and openness.

By embracing pain with non-resistance, we can reduce the tension and struggle associated with pain and create space for healing to unfold naturally.

When suffering with chronic pain many experience self-blame, self-criticism, and feelings of inadequacy (all of which make pain worse).

Ahimsa encourages us to cultivate self-compassion by treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer to a loved one. This can help reduce the emotional burden of pain and foster a greater sense of well-being.

Ahimsa teaches us to honor life. To meet what is, where it is, as it is and this includes our pain.

When practiced moment to moment to moment this helps to turn off the alarm signals of fear that fuel pain. And overtime this creates the psychological safety that allows the brain to unlearn pain altogether.

So your homework this week is to notice when you approach or react to yourself or your pain from a place of force, effort, manipulation, control, judgement, criticsm or blame. Notice the subtle violence in this.

Then see if you can shift how you approach yourself and your pain from a place of lovingkindness and acceptance.

Each time you forget is an opportunity to remember. So the goal is not to never forget. The goal is to keep on remembering.

And the more you remember to acknowledge what is with compassion, the more you are on the road to recover from chronic pain.

Aparigraha, a concept rooted in Indian philosophy, translates to non-greed, non-possessiveness, and non-attachment. 

But what does this ancient principle have to teach us about healing from chronic pain?

Let's break it down. 

The word 'graha' implies taking, seizing, or grabbing, while 'pari' adds the connotation of 'on all sides.' 

When we add the negation 'a' to the word, it becomes 'aparigraha,' meaning 'non-taking' or 'non-grasping.' Essentially, it encourages us to practice non-attachment.

So, how does this apply to healing from chronic pain?
Well often our attempt to get out of pain has us fixated on an outcome - to be pain free.

This attachment to outcome can actually make pain worse because in our gripping to a pain free outcome we are rejecting and making the experience of pain bad or wrong.

And what this does is activates the fear centers in the brain which then sound the alarm signals of pain and make pain worse.

So the greediness of wanting to be pain free makes living free of pain that much more elusive.

Aparigraha teaches us to let go of the attachment to living pain free.

It teaches you to have outcome independence.

Which I get, is very counterintuitive.

We all want to live pain free but the path to pain free is to make peace with pain and to accept it as it is.

Then we don’t need to fight against it.

We can stop avoiding it.

We can let go of the dread.

And stop fearing it.
Aparigraha teaches us to not grip or grab for a tomorrow that never comes.

This helps us to be here and now and reconcile our relationship to what is - the good, bad and ugly, including our experience of pain.

When we do this, we turn off the alarm signals in the brain that fuel pain and we somehow begin to experience less and less pain.

Not because we are trying to get out of pain but because we are no longer trying to get out of pain.

It's a mind fuck, I know.

This is the paradox of healing.

Love and accept pain and watch pain start to fall away. 

But love and accept pain without clinging or holding onto it.

Love and accept pain without identifying with it. 

So allowing pain to be pain without preference.

Without like or dislike.

This means aparigraha helps us examine the thoughts, emotions and beliefs we have about pain.

And to identify which thoughts, emotions and beliefs make pain worse and which ones help to make it better. 

For example if you believe you are a chronic pain warrior consider how this belief might be creating more attachment and identity to pain making it more chronic.

Aparigraha helps loosen the grip of pain, not by denying or suppressing it, but by recognizing that we are not our pain. 

So your homework this week is to notice what I call the death grip - where you are either gripping to a pain free outcome or gripping to thoughts and emotions and beliefs that are fueling, maintaining and amplifying your pain.

Then ask yourself if you can let go of the death grip. Can you let go of attachment to outcome and can you let go of attachment to what is. 

The more you practice letting go of the death grip the more you can recover from pain.

But remember this is a practice that you need to put into play over and over and over again.

Keep letting go of the greediness of getting out of pain.

Keep letting go of the thoughts, emotions and beliefs that keep you stuck in pain.

Keep letting go of the attachments and identity you have to your pain.

Bottom line?

Less death grip, less pain.

When it comes to chronic pain many people’s go to strategy is to do anything and everything in their power to fight against it or run from it.

The thing is pain avoidance makes pain worse. 

And fighting against pain just adds insult to injury.

Both strategies just add fuel to the fire of pain and make things worse. 

Fight and flight are meant to be temporary responses to immediate danger and threat. 

Yet many people suffering from chronic pain adapt these temporary responses as long term strategies. 

And this just makes pain and illness more chronic.

While the pain is real, more times than not, it is not dangerous.

Reacting to pain in fight or flight fires the alarm signals in the brain that fuel chronic pain.

So reacting to your pain is what is making it worse. 

And while pain is not your fault it is your responsibility to disarm the fear that fuels it.

This means you need a different strategy which I’m here to share with you today