The death grip of control is often fueled by the fear of being separate and the fear that our needs will not be met.

Unmet needs in early development can literally signal the end of the world and be a matter of life or death.

This is far too much for the developing brain to make sense of. This overwhelm persists and lives inside of us manifesting as pain until we are able to reconcile the unfulfilled wish within our unmet needs.

As we revisit unmet needs, we will make contact with, and begin to make sense of, what has historically been too much to handle.

In doing so we can build a relationship with the parts of ourselves that have felt split, separate, splintered, isolated, alone, unsupported and/or in hiding. This helps these aspects of self come back online and integrate into wholeness.

And the more whole we become the less pain we carry

To grieve the loss of what never was is to meet the parts of ourselves that were never met, that were never held, that were never supported, that were never attuned to.

This helps us to finally feel and process the emotional impact of not having these needs met.

Then we no longer need to carry the burden of this emotional impact in the form of chronic pain, anxiety, depression or chronic illness.

As we meet these parts of self, we build a relationship to ourselves, from ourselves. And this is where repair happens. The splinter heals. The divide mends. And we can synthesize and make sense of life experience that previously was beyond comprehension.

And when we can make sense of our pain we shift our relationship to it.

This relationship we derive with ourselves then becomes the bedrock of the relationships we form with others. When we reconcile the unfulfilled wish, we are no longer beggars trying to drink from an empty well. We are no longer trying to get our unmet needs from early development fulfilled by others. This way we can show up in relationship established more deeply in our wholeness.

And this breaks cycles of codependence, helps us establish healthy boundaries and brings clarity in identifying what we feel and what we need in any given moment. It helps us accept that part of being human is to have needs and it frees us up to get our needs met with more and more skill and ease.

Last week we talked about how feeling isolated, alienated and alone fuel pain.

Guilt and fear are part of the equation of isolation.

We are likely to experience guilt when we feel separate.

And when we feel separate we are likely to fear judgment from others.

Judgement means potential alienation.

And alienation threatens our basic human need to belong which can trigger our fear of survival and become a breeding ground for pain.

Pain is pain is pain.

Meaning emotional pain is mental pain is physical pain.

One manifests as the other.

And one feeds into the other.

Guilt can lead to judgement and blame and shame and self criticism and negative self talk.

All of which fan the flames of chronic pain, anxiety, depression and chronic illness.

Being human is messy especially when living in survival mode.

What makes being human even more complicated is believing that we need to be perfect each step along the way.

Because, after all, part of being human is making mistakes and learning and growing from them.

Just think how toddlers learn to walk. They don’t get it right the first time around. If there ever was a thing called getting it right we only get it right by getting it wrong over and over and over again.

But if we believe we need to be perfect then any mis-step or mistake can set off the fear of surivival and sound the alarm signals of pain.

And this holds us back from living life.

And creates the climate for the doom cycle of fear and pain to spiral, leaving us spinning out of control.

People pleasing, over-achieving, lack of boundaries, putting our own needs on the back burner are all ways to manage guilt and fear and avoid pain.

But pain avoidance only makes pain worse.

It leads to a death-grip of control which invariable cues more fear and more pain and more illness.

Because beneath the control is fear and guilt and feelings of being separate from the whole.

But when we can accept ourselves as we are, and experience ourselves as connected to the whole, we can stop prejudging our actions.

Then we need not be afraid of making mistakes nor worry about what other people will think.

Instead of trying to control, well, everything, we can just do what seems right moment to moment.

This means we don’t overthink our way through life.

And with less overthinking comes less pain.

We are less stuck in the past and future and more resourced in the present.

And in the present is where true connection to ourselves and others and the universe is felt.

Then empathy can guide us rather than guilt or fear.

Guilt and fear keep us stuck in our heads, feeling separate in intellectual analysis.

Where empathy helps us live more from the heart where we can feel into ourselves and what is right.

We can feel more like ourselves and create distance between us and our pain.

As I shared in the last episode we can feel the one light shining through all eyes.

This shen, or spirit, in Chinese medicine is a recognition of our brightness, our power and our aliveness.

And in feeling connected to the whole we feel connected to ourselves.

We can feel at home within ourelves and the world.

This means less guilt, less fear and less pain.

Then the process of healing is one of discovering the truth of who we are.

Because let's face it, when we are riven by fear or guilt or judgement or shame we are driven by our survival strategies.

We begin to heal when we recognize we are not our survival strategies.

And this understanding allows our authentic nature to reveal itself beneath all of the costumes and masks we’ve accumulated in order to navigate the world and survive.

Moral of the story?

More authenticity equals less pain.

Less guarding and protection equals less pain.

Less identifying with our survival strategies equals less pain.

Less coping mechanisms equals less pain.

More self acceptance equals less pain.

Less hiding and less performing equals less pain.

Every culture, religion and spiritual tradition attempts to make sense of our relationship with the universe. It all comes down to the primary instinctual need to feel connected.

Separation leads to fear which distorts our body, mind and our behaviors and beliefs. In fact, babies separated from their mothers at birth can stay in adrenal shock for months!

The experience of separation creates a split within us. This fragmentation prevents us from experiencing the world with a whole mind and then we’re unable to perceive wholeness in the world.

This leaves us feeling separate from others, alone in the world and separate from existence itself. This leads to alienation, hiding behind masks and trying to improve ourselves to gain acceptance and a sense of belonging.

And it perpetuates cycls of chronic pain, anxiety, depression and chronic illness.