Feeling like you're carrying the entire weight of your relationship while your partner seems to be coasting? You're not alone—and the solution might surprise you.

Most of us have been fed a harmful myth that if we just work hard enough on ourselves and the relationship, everything will improve. This message is particularly strong for women in heterosexual relationships, who are often encouraged to keep putting in the work while their male partners are implicitly let off the hook. But this approach isn't just exhausting—it's fundamentally flawed.

The truth is that relationships require both partners to be actively engaged. When one person is constantly trying while the other seems disengaged, it's typically not about motivation or love—it's about two dysregulated nervous systems unable to find safety with each other. One partner often gets stuck in anxious hypervigilance (fight/flight) while the other collapses into withdrawal (freeze). From these defensive positions, real connection is physiologically impossible.

The breakthrough comes when both partners understand that self-regulation must come first. Rather than trying to change each other, the focus shifts to helping your own nervous system feel safe. When both people can access their regulated state—what polyvagal theory calls "ventral vagal"—suddenly differences aren't threats anymore. You can approach challenges with curiosity instead of defensiveness, and creative solutions become possible.

This approach transformed my own 21-year relationship after years of feeling stuck in these exact patterns. It doesn't have to take that long for you! Start by noticing when you feel hopeless about your relationship—that feeling itself is information that your nervous system is in survival mode. From there, you can take steps toward regulation, which opens the door to true partnership.

Ready to break free from the cycle of one-sided effort and create a relationship where both people feel seen, supported and valued? Subscribe for next week's episode where I'll share specific steps you and your partner can take together toward the connection you both deserve.

- If you are looking to take the first step towards improving your connection and communication with your partner, check out this FREE monthly webinar on "Becoming a Conscious Couple,".

- If you and your partner are ready to co-create the roadmap to the relationship of your dreams, join us for the next in-person "Getting the Love You Want" Weekend Couples Retreat!

For support in how to have deeper connections and better communication in the relationships that matter most in your life, follow the host, Trish Sanders on Instagram , Bluesky or LinkedIn.