What do you actually value — and how much of that list was chosen for you?

In this episode, Vincent works through the Life Compass Cards, a values card sort by Denver therapist Joanne Steinwachs, LCSW: sorting the deck, pulling out the shoulds, narrowing to 7 core values, then 3, then 1. He then scores how fully he's living each value, separates fear-based from attraction-based values, and explores why you can't max out every value at once.

Covers: core values exercise, values clarification, personal values list, self-discovery, healthy egoism, and why awareness alone can be curative.This is a visual episode — watch it on YouTube or see the photos on Substack.

Life Compass Cards: https://lifecompasscards.com

Companion episode — Ep. 1, The Value of Values: https://tms.show/1

OUTLINE

00:00 Intro

00:53 Life Compass Cards

01:23 Sorting: important vs. not important

02:51 Pulling out the shoulds

03:37 Very, kind of, a little important

05:23 Down to 7 values

07:41 My top 3

08:35 The one value

09:36 Scoring each value out of 10

10:47 Fear-based vs. attraction-based values

13:58 Values as RPG stat points

17:11 Why this matters

19:58 Healthy egoism

21:41 Final takeaways

Is your overwhelm always something that happens to you, or can it sometimes become a way to avoid responsibility?

In this episode, Vincent explores the difference between genuine, nervous-system overwhelm and the kind of overwhelm we unconsciously manufacture to escape discomfort, risk, procrastination, or the possibility of failure.

The episode covers the stress cycle, allostatic load, self-deception, self-sabotage, owner vs. victim thinking, mindfulness, Wise Mind, distress tolerance, emotion regulation, and why action is often the antidote to overwhelm.

References include Burnout (ISBN 978-1984806734), Waking the Tiger (ISBN 978-1556432330), Mindsight (ISBN 978-0553386394), Solving the Procrastination Puzzle (ISBN 978-1608681525), A Liberated Mind (ISBN 978-0735214002), Spiritual Bypassing, and No Bad Parts (ISBN 978-0593415720), as well as Sirois and Pychyl's 2013 paper (DOI 10.1111/spc3.12011), Akbari et al.'s 2022 meta-analysis (DOI 10.1016/j.jcbs.2022.03.007), and Maier and Seligman's “Learned Helplessness at Fifty” (DOI 10.1037/rev0000033).

00:00 The meditation that sparked the episode

01:32 Genuine overwhelm and completing the stress cycle

02:05 Overwhelm as self-deception and avoidance

02:54 Self-sabotage, procrastination, and short-term relief

04:23 Catching the ego in the act

07:31 Overwhelm as a learned habit

10:41 Building tolerance for discomfort and taking action

10:42 Mindfulness and Wise Mind

12:02 Distress tolerance for genuine overwhelm

13:45 Emotion regulation for manufactured overwhelm

18:26 Awareness, responsibility, and reaching your potential

23:19 Final takeaways

Is there something you've never said out loud? Something you decided a long time ago nobody could ever know?

That's shame. And DBT has a surprisingly concrete framework for working through it.

In this episode I walk through Emotion Regulation Handouts 6, 11, and 13 — what shame actually is, how it differs from guilt, why they feed each other, and the two questions that determine your path forward. Your answers put you in one of four boxes, each with a completely different set of instructions.

I also get personal. More personal than usual. Because the antidote to shame is saying it out loud to one safe person — and I share what happened when I finally did.

Topics covered:

• Shame vs guilt — body, words, and action urges
• The integrity gap — what chronic hiding actually costs
• Four combinations of justified/unjustified shame and guilt
• Opposite action — what it is and what it isn't
• How to find your safe person
• My own story

Timestamps: (0:00) Hook: Is there something you've never said out loud? (0:31) Welcome + disclaimer (1:29) What shame actually is (DBT definition) (4:57) Why shame is devastating (7:22) You become a structural liar (8:56) Shame spreads (generational trauma) (10:29) Guilt vs shame (13:01) How guilt and shame feed each other (14:08) My personal story (16:43) The two questions (Handout 11) (17:55) Neither justified (survivor's guilt) (19:30) Guilt justified, shame not (cheap dopamine) (21:20) Shame justified, guilt not (this podcast) (22:58) Both justified (the hardest one) (25:45) Opposite action (27:44) Finding your safe person (31:17) How it played out for me (32:14) Close: The wall was just a wall

References: DBT Emotion Regulation Handouts 6, 11 & 13 | Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score | Episodes 3, 13 & 23

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist. If you're in crisis, please reach out to a professional or crisis line.

⁠TMS.show/24