Right, picture this. It’s 2:30am. I’ve been bounced off half of Sydney’s motorways on the way back from Albury-Wodonga, the NSW/VIC border, and I’m talking myself through a full-blown panic attack because, well, everyone else is asleep. Zzzz

Today started as a quick meet and greet and hit top gear — strapping freight, riding in an Kenworth and remembering why I love the transport industry so much. I’m trying to build something that brings trucking and mental health together… and for most of the day, I felt real purpose and inspired.

Then, I hit Sydney.

First, the M7 shuts. No biggie, I keep on truckin’.
Then, NorthConnex shuts. Just my luck.
Roadworks everywhere. Detours through the back roads of the big smoke. Sleep? Not likely tonight.

Now I’m picturing myself fronting up to an 8:30am meeting at the University, then a filmed interview I’ve been looking forward to all week, and an advisory group meeting (yep, big day) running on fumes — and the inner critic is LOUD. The anxiety is like THUNDER. Here comes the wave of dread. I just need to get back to Newcastle.

Perfection or nothing.
Don’t stumble.
You can’t afford it. The stakes are too high

So I go back to basics: name what I can see, breathe longer out than in, loosen the grip, label the task instead of the monster. The goal isn’t to get rid of fear at 3am — it’s to keep pointing northwards while it’s yelling at you.

By the time I get home, the panic’s still there… but it’s smaller. And it’s not driving anymore. Thank God, neither am I. Now to sleep, I’ve got a big day coming up!

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Created by Elliot Waters — Inspired by lived experience.
Mental health insights, real stories, real conversations.

Borderline Personality Disorder has a habit of sending me down to the beach, to ask the big questions about life. To try and think my way through its distortion of my reality. Just like the waves in front of me, this time the memories have come flooding in. In this episode I’m sitting on the sand at Bar Beach, where I revisit some of the hardest truths that I can only now accept, about love and relationships. Newcastle holds some very difficult memories of my battle with BPD (and the rest) but now I can look back from a much healthier and resilient standpoint. In this episode I talk about the “switch” that flipped so often, from idealisation to complete distrust. The damage caused when my system was overloaded with obsessive intrusive thoughts, uncontrollable ruminations, and the guilt that followed when I finally saw everything clearly again.

This isn’t a redemption arc. Not yet anyway. It’s a completely honest and very real look at how relationships (and people) get caught in destructive BPD tornadoes — and what it took for me to break the pattern. I share thoughts on what helped me slow the spiral, repair my heart and soul after complete emotional rupture, and forge a version of myself that doesn’t need to test every bond to feel safe. That can trust, and be the partner I am meant to be. Even if I haven’t yet had the chance to be in a relationship and be that person since…

The good news? BPD has been proven to be at the mercy of therapy and treatment, and it can be silenced and rendered unable to continue its destructive ways. Progress is certainly possible, as shown in the research consistently— even if it’s messy, non-linear, and at times painful and uncomfortable (but worth it, trust me).

If you’ve ever felt love drown under a surging wave of negative emotion, this one will feel familiar. Borderline Personality Disorder is complex and often overwhelming. It distorts reality and pretends to be your friend. But it can be managed effectively. Unfortunately, it can be too late to save what should have been an amazing future with somebody special. And that’s the reality I now try to understand and accept. And I find myself again, sitting at the beach, late at night, with just my thoughts and memories…

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Instagram – @elliot.t.waters
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Created by Elliot Waters — Inspired by lived experience.
Mental health insights, real stories, real conversations.

Jay is someone I have wanted to interview on the podcast for a long time. And if you listen to his story you'll understand why. What really sets Jay and his story apart, for me at least, is the steps that have been made to be able to engage with life in a healthy, balanced manner. In this episode he introduces me to a new paradigm, one that I had been reluctant to accept. How the breath is the core component that underscores everything. How the breath used properly can dampen anxiety before chaos ensues. For me? Groundbreaking.

We talk about how dyslexia made Jay's school years challenging, along with ADHD chaos. How out of this his MMA grit came forward, and a body that never quite settled—until a three-year breathing crisis and a botched surgery forced a life-or-death turning point. What followed wasn’t a quick fix or shiny hack, but a slow, humble process of learning how to lower a revving baseline through breath, embodiment, and honest awareness. And make no mistake, this was a life and death moment. When you are battling just to breath correctly, life all of a sudden is not on solid ground.

Jay shares the daily practices that helped shift his nervous system out of constant sympathetic threat and into parasympathetic ease: slow nasal breathing, gentle mobility, infrared heat, yoga, and learning to notice what the body is doing before the mind runs away with it. We explore why CBT and logic often don’t stick when anxiety is loud, and how a body-first approach creates the conditions for the mind to finally do its best work.

There’s a powerful reframe for social anxiety here too. Most interactions are safe, yet the body reacts like there’s a tiger in the aisle. We unpack how to “get between the film and the viewer,” recognise the fear script early, and use the breath to downshift before words are said and actions made.

We also touch on insights from a 10-day Vipassana silent retreat, and what it really means to stop riding the emotional seesaw and start living from the middle.

Underneath it all is something simple but profound: when the body is calm, connection stops being costly and becomes nourishing. This is a conversation about rebuilding from zero, and how one breath, one honest moment, and one small win at a time can change everything.

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Follow The Dysregulated Podcast:
Instagram – @elliot.t.waters
Facebook – The Dysregulated Podcast
YouTube – The Dysregulated Podcast (Official Channel)

Created by Elliot Waters — Inspired by lived experience.
Mental health insights, real stories, real conversations.