I heard someone say this morning, “I’m an actor, and I’m trying to fix the lights on me.” And immediately I thought: That’s it.

How often am I trying to control the entire production instead of simply playing my part? In this episode of Recovery Daily, I talk about surrender, acceptance, willingness, and trusting God’s plan when I don’t particularly like the journey. Sobriety and stroke recovery have both taught me that I don’t have to understand the route before I trust who I’m traveling it with.

Sometimes the next right thing means changing my perception. Sometimes it means setting a boundary, doing something differently, or getting uncomfortable enough to stop repeating what isn’t working. And sometimes it means doing absolutely nothing and allowing things to unfold without my interference. I have to choose differently before I can feel differently. Because nothing changes unless something changes, and that change usually begins with willingness.

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I used to believe grieving meant stopping my life to get over a loss, resolve it, let it go, and figure out how to make it hurt less. But, I’m learning that we instead carry grief while we continue to live. We respond to loss in very different ways and none of them are wrong. Today I reflected on a loss from my younger years that I held onto for far too long. I had made an immature decision all those years ago to never let go. I understand more today that letting go doesn’t mean letting go of the person, the love, or the memories. Instead, it is letting go of the pain and holding on to the memories and energy that serve me in my life. I can allow grief to hurt and still laugh. I can remember someone and still make plans for tomorrow. And even when I am powerless over what has happened, I can still choose where I anchor my thoughts.

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What happens when you desperately want to show up for someone you love, but your disability makes it unsafe to do so? Facing the reality as someone I care about enters hospice, my first instinct was, I have to be there. I am fast forwarding the tape and want to be present for friends and family. Forcing myself through though is very different from being able to do it safely without painful consequences. I must consider whether showing up will be difficult or harmful.

Guilt, grief, and fear is the parallel challenge if I focus on the idea that others will mistake my absence for a lack of love. Acceptance is required to make decisions based on my actual capacity rather than what I think I should be able to do. I can still show up when I can't physically be there. I may have lost one way of showing up, but I haven't lost my ability to show love. I’m accepting that love can look different within the life I have today.

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Accepting myself exactly where I am is the very thing that allows me to change? Reflecting on Carl Rogers’ “curious paradox” of acceptance, it resonates so much to both my sobriety and stroke recovery. Last night I reached my cognitive and physical limit while trying to make one of my world famous dinners. 😉 I asked my husband to step in for the last part. The energy I would have wasted if I argued with reality, would not have left me with energy to eat.

Accepting today’s capacity actually gives me more choices—how can I live fully within today’s reality?

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The things I judge most harshly in other people are actually telling me something about myself? It’s uncomfortable to say, but if I’m being honest, I have a tendency to default toward judgment. My recovery program is teaching me how to choose compassion instead. My insecurities, assumptions, invisible struggles, and the illusion that I know why someone behaves the way they do are all fuel for judgment when I don’t stop to examine them. Through Steps 6, 7, and 10, I’m learning to recognize judgment, surrender my need to be right (do I wanna be right, or do I what to be happy?), and practice a different response.

Everyone is shaped by a lifetime of experiences I know nothing about. When I judge their behavior, I’m interpreting it through my own experiences rather than considering theirs. Compassion leaves room for the parts of their story I cannot see.

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So much of life is outside of my control, but that doesn’t mean I’m without choices. Sobriety taught me how to separate what I can change from what I need to accept or surrender, and stroke recovery has made that practice even more important. I’ve learned how much energy I can waste arguing with reality or having entire arguments inside my own head about things that never happened and may never happen. Today, I’m learning to be more intentional about where my limited energy goes, take action when there is something I can do, and let go when there isn’t. Sometimes recovery is simply bringing myself back to where my feet are and doing the next right thing.

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What does it mean to be “right-sized”? Sobriety taught me to see myself, my problems, and my place in the world more accurately. I can make myself too big by trying to control everything, taking responsibility for other people, or believing every interaction is more important than it really is. I can also make myself too small through people-pleasing, insecurity, apologizing for my needs, or shrinking because of my disability. I’m learning to find the balance between the two, including some recent experiences that have challenged me to figure out when to explain my disability and when to simply let myself be. Ultimately, right-sizing reminds me to take responsibility for my part, let God handle what isn’t mine, and focus on the next right thing.

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How often am I searching for something I already have? By thinking about what I believe those things will give me and where might that already exist in my life, I can hold what I desire loosely enough to see what I already have. My words and desires can reveal where my attention is living. Sometimes my “wanter” is so busy looking toward the next thing that I miss seeing the life I once desperately hoped to have is all around me. I’m learning to recognize the gifts while I'm actually living them.

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