I used to believe grieving meant stopping my life to get over a loss, resolve it, let it go, and figure out how to make it hurt less. But, I’m learning that we instead carry grief while we continue to live. We respond to loss in very different ways and none of them are wrong. Today I reflected on a loss from my younger years that I held onto for far too long. I had made an immature decision all those years ago to never let go. I understand more today that letting go doesn’t mean letting go of the person, the love, or the memories. Instead, it is letting go of the pain and holding on to the memories and energy that serve me in my life. I can allow grief to hurt and still laugh. I can remember someone and still make plans for tomorrow. And even when I am powerless over what has happened, I can still choose where I anchor my thoughts.

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What happens when you desperately want to show up for someone you love, but your disability makes it unsafe to do so? Facing the reality as someone I care about enters hospice, my first instinct was, I have to be there. I am fast forwarding the tape and want to be present for friends and family. Forcing myself through though is very different from being able to do it safely without painful consequences. I must consider whether showing up will be difficult or harmful.

Guilt, grief, and fear is the parallel challenge if I focus on the idea that others will mistake my absence for a lack of love. Acceptance is required to make decisions based on my actual capacity rather than what I think I should be able to do. I can still show up when I can't physically be there. I may have lost one way of showing up, but I haven't lost my ability to show love. I’m accepting that love can look different within the life I have today.

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Accepting myself exactly where I am is the very thing that allows me to change? Reflecting on Carl Rogers’ “curious paradox” of acceptance, it resonates so much to both my sobriety and stroke recovery. Last night I reached my cognitive and physical limit while trying to make one of my world famous dinners. 😉 I asked my husband to step in for the last part. The energy I would have wasted if I argued with reality, would not have left me with energy to eat.

Accepting today’s capacity actually gives me more choices—how can I live fully within today’s reality?

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