Some days I wake up feeling like a total fraud in the friendship department. Like if life went sideways at 2 AM I wouldn’t have a single person I could call who’d actually show up.

That thought is patently false. I do have those people. Just not a horde of Instagram “besties” clinking champagne glasses in matching outfits.

And I’m done pretending that’s the goal.

If I’ve learned anything from making friends as an adult is that it’s hard. And most of the people we call “friends” aren’t friends. They’re associates. Nice enough. Fun at happy hour. But when life’s on fire? Nowhere.

Here’s the part most people don’t want to admit: confidence doesn’t come from how many people know your name. It comes from knowing exactly who’s in your corner, without question. The ones who make you feel seen instead of judged. Ones who don’t care if you’re polished or a hot mess. Those are the people who make me stand taller.

And if you don’t think you have people like that? I’m not buying it. You might just be looking in the wrong places or expecting the wrong people to be part of your rescue crew. Who should be “promoted” into your inner circle? I’ve got some thoughts on how to figure that out and yeah, it’s going to take some guts to make those moves.

Life’s too short to keep judgmental, self-serving energy in the front row of your life. If you’ve ever felt alone in a room full of “friends,” this is the wake-up call. Confidence is knowing who shows up when it counts—and making damn sure they know you’ll do the same for them.

I’m done confusing convenience for commitment. In this episode of Real Confidence, I’m calling it out, and I’m naming exactly who belongs in my inner circle—and who doesn’t.

Raise your hand if you’re tired of the confidence myth everyone sells: that confidence is just about “acting brave” and “being positive.”

I SEE YOU. My hand’s been up for years.

The truth of the matter – what real confidence IS – is way messier and way more fascinating. Anyone can pretend they’re fearless, but not everyone wants to understand how their brain works when fear, doubt, and hesitation kick in, and then do the work to rewire it so they don’t get stuck there.

Fact: our brains want to keep us SAFE, but safe often means stuck — stuck in old patterns, stuck in second-guessing, stuck in the kind of mental freeze that keeps you playing small or holding back.

My guest this week, Betsy Holmberg, calls this state of stuckness the “survival mode trap,” and it’s why most confidence advice feels like empty noise. It’s also why if you want to create real change, you have to confront how your brain tightens the reins — and then be willing to do the hard work to take back control.

I could talk about this for hours: real neuroscience, real mindset shifts, and real grit.

But Betsy and I made the best use of our time together and got straight to what’s really going on inside your head when confidence feels impossible, what it means to “flip the switch” on your brain’s default survival settings, why that’s essential for building genuine confidence, and what happens when you finally break free of doubt’s chokehold.

If you’re tired of spinning your wheels and ready to understand the raw mechanics of confidence — the kind that sticks — this episode is your blueprint.

Key takeaways:

• Why your brain’s “safety mode” is the biggest confidence killer you’ve never noticed
• The sneaky ways doubt hijacks your decisions without you realizing
• How rewiring your brain is like upgrading your mental software — tricky, surprising, and entirely possible
• The one mindset shift that feels like a secret cheat code for confidence
• Why “fake it till you make it” is lying to you — and what actually works

Betsy Holmberg, PhD, is a psychologist and author specializing in overthinking and negative self-talk. She writes for Psychology Today, and has been featured in radio, television, and podcasts. Before that, she ran the mental health service line at McKinsey & Company and received her PhD from Duke University. Learn more about Betsy at betsyholmberg.com.

There’s a moment that sneaks up on you in conversations—someone starts talking and, before you know it, you're deep in the weeds of their breakup, their boss drama, their third cousin’s dog’s vet bill.

You’re nodding, maybe throwing in the occasional “Wow” or “That’s wild,” but inside you’re thinking: How did I get cast in this one-person show I didn’t audition for?

Take heart. This doesn’t happen because you’re too nice. It happens because somewhere along the way, we were taught that being a “good friend,” a “good colleague,” a “good person” means being endlessly available for other people’s emotional baggage—no matter how full our own arms already are.

Here’s what I want to challenge: the idea that listening without limits is a virtue.

Because it's not. It’s often a survival strategy. It’s the quiet fear that if we draw a line—if we interrupt, or redirect, or say, “Hey, I can’t hold all this right now”—we’ll be seen as selfish. Cold. Rude.

And fear is the enemy of confidence.

Confidence is not about being stone-faced or detached. It’s about knowing your capacity and honoring it. It’s about recognizing when a conversation has shifted from connection to emotional labor—and having the clarity to step out, without shame or apology.

And here's the paradox: when you model that kind of boundary, you give other people permission to do the same. You show that strength doesn’t come from over-functioning—it comes from being honest about your limits.

This episode is your call to pay attention to where your energy is going. To stop treating emotional overload like a social obligation. And to start seeing boundaries not as a defense, but as a commitment to your own peace.