Difficulty orgasming isn’t always about you. At least, not in the way you might think.

In this minisode of In Bed with Science, I’m talking about one of the less discussed reasons orgasm can become harder with a partner: when your orgasm starts to feel like proof that they’re good at sex.

Orgasms aren’t gifts.

And when your partner’s care, effort or disappointment becomes part of the experience, pleasure can quickly turn into pressure.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why “giving” someone an orgasm can be an unhelpful way to think about sex
• How a partner’s investment in your orgasm can make it harder to relax
• Why pressure and self-monitoring can get in the way of pleasure
• What to do when orgasm has become the goal of sex

Your orgasm isn’t a performance review of your partner’s skills. And it isn’t the only proof that sex was good.

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Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

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AI is being turned to as a replacement for therapy. As a sex therapist who specialises in low libido, I wanted to know - can it actually help with something as nuanced as low sex drive in a marriage?

So I put it to the test. I pretended to be a typical client of mine - a woman in a long-term relationship, struggling with low desire and shame around her turn-ons - and turned to both a trained mental health bot and ChatGPT to see what they got right, what they got wrong, and what most people would never notice was missing.

We look at what the research says about AI's accuracy in sexual & mental health, why feeling understood isn't necessarily the same as actually being understood, and where AI genuinely helps versus where it might make things like low libido and relationship issues worse.

In this episode, we explore:

• What the research reveals about how AI chatbots actually perform on sexual health and therapy scenarios
• The results of my own experiment pretending to be a client struggling with low sex drive and shame around what turns her on
• How AI tends to over-validate, skip the questions a sex therapist would ask, and offer solutions before it knows you
• How AI can sneakily reinforce the very patterns that create low desire and sexual problems in marriage in the first place
• When AI is a useful thought partner for relationship and sex issues, and when it falls short of what real therapy does

Today's studies:

Evaluation of Artificial Intelligence Chatbots for Providing Sexual Health Information: A Consensus Study Using Real-World Clinical Queries

Published in BMC Public Health in 2025.

A Comparison of Responses from Human Therapists and LLM-Based Chatbots

Published in JMIR Mental Health in 2025.

The Ability of AI Therapy Bots to Set Limits With Distressed Adolescents

Published in JMIR Mental Health in 2025.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

We've all heard it before: "Men always want sex". They’re simple and always raring to go.

As a sex therapist specialising in low libido and mismatched desire, I know the toll these kinds of myths can take on the individual and the relationship at large.

In this minisode, I break down one of the most common myths about male sexuality — and how it contributes to low desire, performance pressure, and shame.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

Low desire in women is often treated as a hormonal problem or a relationship one.

But what if the problem isn’t low libido persay, but rather a lost connection to your body?

In this episode, I talk to psychologist and leading sex researcher Dr. Lori Brotto about the science of mindfulness and why it’s become one of the most effective psychological treatments for low desire and arousal in women.

We discuss how mindfulness improves sexual wellbeing, why physical arousal and mental desire don’t always match, and why pills designed to “fix” low desire often fall short.

We explore:

• What mindfulness actually is — and why it’s often misunderstood
• Why improving body awareness (interoception) can influence desire
• The research behind mindfulness-based sex therapy
• Why physical arousal and mental desire don’t always align
• The limits of medications designed to treat low desire
• The role of shame and self-criticism in sexual difficulties
• Why relationship therapy alone often doesn’t resolve sexual problems
• Where to start if you’re curious about using mindfulness to reconnect with desire

02:31 - How Dr. Lori Brotto Got Into Sex Research

05:29 - What Is Mindfulness, Really?

14:34 - How Mindfulness Works for Low Desire

18:11 - Arousal Non-Concordance (& Why It Matters?)

21:49 - The Problem with Pharmaceutical Solutions

24:59 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

29:22 - Why Relationship Therapy Alone Often Isn't Enough

30:46 - The Mirror Exercise & Confronting Shame

33:18 - How Often Should You Practice Mindfulness?

37:06 - Mindfulness for Neurodivergent People

40:49 - What If You Hate Mindfulness?

42:28 - The Hope Effect & Reducing Distress

43:34 - Mindfulness Research On Men

46:26 - The Importance of Women's Sexual Health Research

48:57 - Closing Thoughts: Interoception, Self-Compassion & Why Sexual Health Matters

Papers mentioned in this episode:

• Effects of Group Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy versus Supportive Sex Education on Sexual Concordance and Sexual Response Among Women with Sexual Interest/Arousal Disorder
• Mindfulness-Based Sex Therapy Improves Genital-Subjective Arousal Concordance in Women With Sexual Desire/Arousal Difficulties
• Group mindfulness-based therapy significantly improves sexual desire in women
• Homework adherence in mindfulness-based cognitive interventions for female sexual dysfunction: a scoping review

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

Sometimes low libido doesn’t look like avoiding sex. Sometimes it looks like having sex you didn’t really want in the first place.

In this episode, I talk about something that’s far more common than most of us realise: saying yes to sex in a committed relationship even when you’re not really in the mood.

It's about the kinds of moments where you agree because it feels easier than arguing, because you don’t want to disappoint your partner, or because you hope you’ll “get into it” once you start.

We look at what the research says about why we do this, when it’s more neutral, and when it reduces desire and closeness further - or becomes harmful.

Toward the end, I share a simple reflection exercise to help you understand your own “yes” — and whether it’s something that it's helpful, or costing you something.

In this episode, we explore:

• Why saying yes to unwanted sex is incredibly common in long-term relationships
• The difference between saying yes because you want connection — and saying yes to avoid conflict or guilt
• The subtle forms of pressure that don’t look like pressure
• When and why sexual compliance can sometimes lead to positive outcomes, and why it more often leads to negative outcomes.
• A ​guided, free exercise to work out your own 'yes'

02:20 - What Is Sexual Compliance?

05:37 - Today's Research Paper: How Common Is Unwanted Sex?

07:03 - Why People Say Yes: Approach vs. Avoidance Motives

09:35 - It's About Power

11:29 - The Mental Load & Desire Connection

12:31 - The Two Types of Pressure: Explicit vs. Implicit

14:20 - Monogamy & the Unspoken Contract

16:21 - What Are the Consequences?

18:23 - My Sex-Therapist "Neutral at Worst" Stance & What it Means

19:36 - Avoidance Motives & Long-Term Harm

21:48 - Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire

22:29 - Free Exercise: Identifying Your Pattern

28:52 - Breaking the Cycle & Finding Support

The study discussed in this episode is Sexual Compliance in Finnish Committed Relationships: Sexual Self-Control, Relationship Power, and Experienced Consequences by Himanen & Gunst, published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

For many neurodivergent people, sex becomes draining or disconnected over time, even when there’s desire and care underneath it all.

Sex can start to feel like something you’re being evaluated on — rather than something you get to enjoy.

In this episode, I talk with licensed counsellor Bowen Marshall about how ADHD, Autism, masking, and performance expectations affect our sex lives — and why so many people end up feeling like they need to "get sex right", instead of actually feeling pleasure.

We specifically talk about:

• Attachment patterns and sex
• Why sex can start to feel like performance rather than pleasure
• How masking and self-monitoring undermine sexual connection and pleasure
• The role dopamine plays in desire, arousal, and motivation
• Why many people don’t know what they enjoy — and why that’s not a failure
• How expectations around sex create pressure and anxiety
• What it can look like to shift focus from “doing it right” to what actually feels good

Chapters:

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

“We used to have such great sex" is one of the most common things I hear from clients as a sex therapist and coach.

Along with this confession usually comes grief, shame, and worry that something important to them is lost forever.

In this episode, I explore the science of sexual nostalgia: why remembering past sexual connection can sometimes help rekindle desire — and why, in other cases, it can actually make things worse.

I also include a free exercise toward the end to help you revisit past positive sex memories and increase desire.

We talk about:

• Why remembering “how it used to be” can either ignite desire or shut it down
• When nostalgia becomes a resource — and when it turns into grief
• How sexual turn-ons can become turn-offs, and what to do if that happens for you
• A guided, free exercise to ignite desire by diving into sexual nostalgia

Chapters:

01:41 What is Sexual Nostalgia?

04:09 Study Overview: Sexual Nostalgia & Satisfaction

04:43 Attachment Styles & Nostalgia

05:33 When Nostalgia Helps vs. Hurts

08:41 Clinical Insights: Attachment & Desire

12:05 Using Nostalgia as a Tool, Not a Time Machine

12:39 How Turn-Ons Change Over Time & What To Do About It

17:41 Nostalgia vs. Fantasy

19:53 Guided Exercise: Access Desire Through Memory

21:21 Interpreting Your Response to the Exercise

24:27 Closing Thoughts & How to Get Support

The study discussed in this episode is Rose Colored Glasses: An Exploration of the Relationship between Sexual Nostalgia and Sexual Satisfaction by Thompson et al., published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Download the free exercise Access Desire Through Memory.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

If you want sex to feel good again and not have to think about whether you're hard or softening, or whether you're going to have an orgasm soon — this episode gives you clear, usable tools to start moving in that direction.

In part two of this series on sexual performance anxiety, I talk with health psychologist and clinical sexologist Dr Evie Kirana about how to deal with sexual performance anxiety. We break down the real mind–body connection (no woo here - just pure physiology!), why you can’t force your erection or orgasm to cooperate, and how to shift from performance pressure to meaningful connection.

You’ll learn:

• Why fighting or hiding your anxiety makes it stronger
• How to tolerate anxiety in the moment without shutting down
• The four practical steps to deal with sexual performance anxiety in a new clinical model
• How connection-focused goals (instead of "I-have-to-get-this-righ goals") help your body during sex
• How partners can support without becoming the “fixer” or the “nurse"

Timestamps:

01:24 Introducing Dr. Evie Kirana

03:50 Gender Differences in Seeking Treatment for Sexual Dysfunction

05:30 Understanding Sexual Performance Anxiety (SPA)

07:57 Shame and Its Role

10:05 Cognitive Reappraisal: Changing Unhelpful Thoughts

13:06 Why We Can’t Control Sexual Function (Much Like Other Bodily Functions)

15:53 Shifting from Performance Goals to Connection Goals

18:44 The 4 Phases of Managing Sexual Performance Anxiety (& How To Do It)

25:05 Partner Dynamics and Navigating Progress Together

28:08 Why Society Doesn’t Talk About Sexual Performance Anxiety

31:45 Key Takeaways from Dr. Evie Kirana's Research

34:14 When to Seek Professional Help for Anxiety

36:45 Resources: MindMyErection.com

38:30 My Sex-Therapist Reflections & Final Thoughts

48:17 Outro & Support Resources

You can find Dr. Kirana’s free video resources for men & people with penises (and their partners) at MindMyErection.com.

The study discussed in this episode is A theoretical model for sexual performance anxiety (SPA) and a clinical approach for its remediation (SPA-R) by Rowland & Kirana, published in Sexual Medicine Review.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link