For many neurodivergent people, sex becomes draining or disconnected over time, even when there’s desire and care underneath it all.

Sex can start to feel like something you’re being evaluated on — rather than something you get to enjoy.

In this episode, I talk with licensed counsellor Bowen Marshall about how ADHD, Autism, masking, and performance expectations affect our sex lives — and why so many people end up feeling like they need to "get sex right", instead of actually feeling pleasure.

We specifically talk about:

• Attachment patterns and sex
• Why sex can start to feel like performance rather than pleasure
• How masking and self-monitoring undermine sexual connection and pleasure
• The role dopamine plays in desire, arousal, and motivation
• Why many people don’t know what they enjoy — and why that’s not a failure
• How expectations around sex create pressure and anxiety
• What it can look like to shift focus from “doing it right” to what actually feels good

Chapters:

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Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

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“We used to have such great sex" is one of the most common things I hear from clients as a sex therapist and coach.

Along with this confession usually comes grief, shame, and worry that something important to them is lost forever.

In this episode, I explore the science of sexual nostalgia: why remembering past sexual connection can sometimes help rekindle desire — and why, in other cases, it can actually make things worse.

I also include a free exercise toward the end to help you revisit past positive sex memories and increase desire.

We talk about:

• Why remembering “how it used to be” can either ignite desire or shut it down
• When nostalgia becomes a resource — and when it turns into grief
• How sexual turn-ons can become turn-offs, and what to do if that happens for you
• A guided, free exercise to ignite desire by diving into sexual nostalgia

Chapters:

01:41 What is Sexual Nostalgia?

04:09 Study Overview: Sexual Nostalgia & Satisfaction

04:43 Attachment Styles & Nostalgia

05:33 When Nostalgia Helps vs. Hurts

08:41 Clinical Insights: Attachment & Desire

12:05 Using Nostalgia as a Tool, Not a Time Machine

12:39 How Turn-Ons Change Over Time & What To Do About It

17:41 Nostalgia vs. Fantasy

19:53 Guided Exercise: Access Desire Through Memory

21:21 Interpreting Your Response to the Exercise

24:27 Closing Thoughts & How to Get Support

The study discussed in this episode is Rose Colored Glasses: An Exploration of the Relationship between Sexual Nostalgia and Sexual Satisfaction by Thompson et al., published in The Journal of Sex Research.

Download the free exercise Access Desire Through Memory.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link

If you want sex to feel good again and not have to think about whether you're hard or softening, or whether you're going to have an orgasm soon — this episode gives you clear, usable tools to start moving in that direction.

In part two of this series on sexual performance anxiety, I talk with health psychologist and clinical sexologist Dr Evie Kirana about how to deal with sexual performance anxiety. We break down the real mind–body connection (no woo here - just pure physiology!), why you can’t force your erection or orgasm to cooperate, and how to shift from performance pressure to meaningful connection.

You’ll learn:

• Why fighting or hiding your anxiety makes it stronger
• How to tolerate anxiety in the moment without shutting down
• The four practical steps to deal with sexual performance anxiety in a new clinical model
• How connection-focused goals (instead of "I-have-to-get-this-righ goals") help your body during sex
• How partners can support without becoming the “fixer” or the “nurse"

Timestamps:

01:24 Introducing Dr. Evie Kirana

03:50 Gender Differences in Seeking Treatment for Sexual Dysfunction

05:30 Understanding Sexual Performance Anxiety (SPA)

07:57 Shame and Its Role

10:05 Cognitive Reappraisal: Changing Unhelpful Thoughts

13:06 Why We Can’t Control Sexual Function (Much Like Other Bodily Functions)

15:53 Shifting from Performance Goals to Connection Goals

18:44 The 4 Phases of Managing Sexual Performance Anxiety (& How To Do It)

25:05 Partner Dynamics and Navigating Progress Together

28:08 Why Society Doesn’t Talk About Sexual Performance Anxiety

31:45 Key Takeaways from Dr. Evie Kirana's Research

34:14 When to Seek Professional Help for Anxiety

36:45 Resources: MindMyErection.com

38:30 My Sex-Therapist Reflections & Final Thoughts

48:17 Outro & Support Resources

You can find Dr. Kirana’s free video resources for men & people with penises (and their partners) at MindMyErection.com.

The study discussed in this episode is A theoretical model for sexual performance anxiety (SPA) and a clinical approach for its remediation (SPA-R) by Rowland & Kirana, published in Sexual Medicine Review.

Interested in my services? Check them out here

Join my 1:1 online program Re:Desire here.

Do you want to submit a listener question for the podcast? Here's the link