Thank you, thank you, thank you all for coming. What a great-looking group of people we have here today. As your president, I feel it’s important to tell you all about this guy. He’s a great guy. A real stand-up guy. A real go-getter. His name is Marc Havak, and let me tell you, this guy is going to be huge.

See, when the aliens came down and told us they’d enslave all of the human race if we didn’t send our bigliest warrior to participate in their arena death games, I laughed at them. It was really funny because they obviously didn’t know who they were dealing with. Know what I mean? Then they said they would pick the greatest warrior, and they picked Marc Havak. He seemed like such an average guy, but he was a true-blue American. He even worked as a truck driver! That’s the kind of good guy we want defending us from aliens.

I took one look at Marc and realized he was just the right guy to save our planet. I always make the best decisions, and this one was one of the best decisions. Turns out Marc was really good at kicking alien ass. He won all the games, got all the prizes, and slept with all the hot alien women. And let me tell you, these women are some real beauties, and they don’t mind sharing Marc. He is just that great. Of course, he’s still not quite as accomplished as I am, but no one is.

There is more to it than that. You should check his story out. It’s a great story. A fantastic story. One of the best, and I know good stories. You’ll love it.