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Kristen LaValley grew up a church kid through and through. She said “the sinner’s prayer” before she could write her name―and spent the next few decades trying to prove she meant it; in a body that couldn’t rest, with a mind she didn’t yet understand, under a God she was afraid to disappoint. She learned to perform the kind of faith that got praised: one that hid pain and swallowed questions. In Growing Up Saved, Kristen maps the slow undoing of a faith formed in certainty and what it took to find God in the middle of her unraveling.

So much of our belief can be formulaic. We often think that if we do A, B, and C, then God will do X, Y, and Z. We check things off the “Good Christian Checklist,” trusting we’ll be okay, and our trials will be minimal. But when our experiences inevitably deviate from that belief, our trust in God often crumbles. After a series of life-altering trials—including a devastating diagnosis—uncovering faith in the cracks of pain is something Kristen LaValley knows well.