Somebody in your life has called you avoidant, toxic, or a gaslighter, and this is the episode about whether they said it to understand you or to win. Philicia and Jason take on the two most-used therapy words. Boundaries: why most "boundaries" are rules with a threat attached, the Reddit post about dancing at a wedding, the car and the gas, and why your expectations need agreements. Gaslighting: where the word comes from (a 1938 play), why Merriam-Webster's lookups rose 1,740 percent in 2022, what gaslighting actually is (a pattern, power, and control), and why "we remember it differently" is not the same thing. Plus Hanlon's razor, the army of Bond villains that does not exist, and a Did You Consider This on why access to care is political.

Listen: Spotify open.spotify.com/show/1DgARCNhJ61sey1nuabM6Z
Follow: instagram.com/weightandwonderpodcast | tiktok.com/@weightandwonder
Jason: linkedin.com/in/jasonlherndon | somemen.substack.com
Philicia: instagram.com/byphilicia | villageofsoundmind.co | byphilicia.substack.com

For educational purposes only; not a substitute for therapy.

#TherapySpeak #Gaslighting #Boundaries

If you tell a boy he’s toxic and he won’t change, he’ll go find someone who tells him he’s fine, and that someone is usually online and usually selling something.

Philicia and Jason take apart the term "toxic masculinity": where it actually came from (a man, not feminist theory), why it was the first language many survivors had for harm, and why "be less toxic" gives a boy nothing to work on. They get into what the manosphere is really selling, the viral "straight or gay picture" reel, stoicism as unpaid emotional labor, bell hooks’ integrity and the princess dress story, the friendship recession (15% of men report no close friends), shoulder-to-shoulder friendship, third places, why women being the default therapist serves no one, and the four kinds of intimacy.

The Did You Consider holds space for Nolan Wells and for survivors watching the campus cases unfold.

Content note: themes of sexual assault are discussed; skip timestamps and support resources are below.


00:00 – Is “Toxic Masculinity” Doing More Harm Than Good?
04:40 – The Origins of Toxic Masculinity and the Manosphere
09:20 – Traditional Masculinity, Homophobia, and Emotional Suppression
17:19 – Male Friendships, Loneliness, and Emotional Intimacy
30:26 – Accountability, Sexual Assault, and Rethinking Masculinity


Question of the week: Do you think "toxic masculinity" is useful language, or is it time for clearer language? Tell us what you’re seeing in the culture that needs the same lens.


Listen: Spotify open.spotify.com/show/1DgARCNhJ61sey1nuabM6Z
Follow: instagram.com/weightandwonderpodcast | tiktok.com/@weightandwonder
Jason: linkedin.com/in/jasonlherndon | somemen.substack.com
Philicia: instagram.com/byphilicia | villageofsoundmind.co | byphilicia.substack.com

For educational purposes only; not a substitute for therapy.

#toxicmasculinity

A creator went viral asking women to stop putting men down for the things that bring them innocent joy. Philicia and Jason agree with her, and they have questions. In this episode: why home should be the one place a man never has to defend what makes him happy, whose joy gets policed first, and what the resentment is actually about when it is not about the controller. They get into perceived reciprocity, cognitive labor and the mental load, decompressing vs. checking out, why "you’re so childish" is a weapon and "I need us to be a team before we clock out" is a boundary, and what it means when watching your partner rest brings up grief. Plus: hobbies as bids for connection, a K-drama recommendation, and the question of the week.

Clinical framing for the first description paragraph: Licensed clinical social worker Philicia Ross and licensed psychologist Jason Herndon unpack male joy, the mental load, and relationship equity: perceived reciprocity, cognitive labor (Allison Daminger, 2019), bids for connection (John Gottman), the superwoman schema (Cheryl Woods-Giscombé, 2010), and rest as resistance (Tricia Hersey, 2022).


In This Episode:
00:00 — Why Men’s Joy Gets Policed
06:32 — When Men’s Hobbies Become a Problem
09:05 — Why Joy Shouldn’t Be a Punchline
15:18 — When Your Partner’s Joy Comes at Your Expense
18:37 — Mental Load, Cognitive Labor & Resentment
22:57 — Decompressing vs. Checking Out
24:49 — Did We Both Get to Clock Out?
27:31 — Boundaries vs. Weaponizing Insults
32:12 — Rest, the Superwoman Schema & Black Women
34:13 — What If Your Partner’s Rest Activates You?


Join The Conversation: Do male hobbies get a bad rap, or is this really about relationship equity? And tell us: what does relationship equity look like in your house?


Listen: Spotify | The Weight & the Wonder

Follow the show:
Instagram @weightandwonderpodcast
TikTok @weightandwonder

Connect with Jason & Philicia:
Jason: linkedin.com/in/jasonlherndon | somemen.substack.com
Philicia: Instagram @byphilicia and @villageofsoundmind | villageofsoundmind.co | byphilicia.substack.com