Send a DM to Angela directly! Share your comments, feedback and feels.

We name the bone deep exhaustion that comes from carrying the mental load alone and explain why anger can harden into contempt over time. We outline a three phase path to feel the grief underneath, shift the patterns that keep you stuck, and find repair without abandoning yourself.
• recognising depletion as the driver behind criticism testing and hostility
• distinguishing stuck dynamics from physical or emotional abuse and prioritising safety
• understanding anger as a smoke signal and contempt as a protective wall
• identifying grief as the feeling under resentment and why it needs space
• noticing how overfunctioning and moving goalposts can lock the cycle
• practicing accountability without blame by separating behavior from story
• allowing tasks to be done differently while meeting a minimum standard of care
• making repair through small daily moments rather than one big catharsis talk
• facing the ceiling when a partner is unwilling to grow and choosing with open eyes

If this resonated with you, sign up for my group coaching program for mental load owners called Glass Wing.
If you want your partner to sign up for their program, forward them my video for non-mental load owners called Break water.

Come follow me on instagram @MentalLoadCoach and subscribe to my newsletter here.

Send a DM to Angela directly! Share your comments, feedback and feels.

Ultimatums are an attempt to send you a warning signal: fight this last fight for our relationship

This is what you need to do:
1) get your internal bearings. Don’t suppress your defensiveness, need to explain or fix it tendencies. But metabolize those reactions so they don’t leak out sideways and cause you to withdraw and her to be even more distrusting.
2) don’t collapse either. Don’t go into your victim mode or silent mode.
3) feel your feelings. Discharge your anger in healthy ways, like talking to a professional (me!) that is trained to not teach you a feminized version of masculinity.
4) recognize the deeper layers of shame that might be coming up and don’t let that hijack your response. Work with the historical shame that comes way before your partner ever entered the picture. It’s the “I’m not good enough of a man” shame
5) deepen your familiarity with your home and the members of your home and see it as a living ecosystem. Start to take end to end responsibilities without prompting and appreciation from her. Be consistent. Work quietly, even when she corrects and re-does some of your work. Continue moving forward.
6) repair and take radical responsibility of the structural imbalance and the role you played in it. You were socialized to disengage and not recognize the mental load. Take responsibility for that and apologize specifically for the impact that your disengagement had on her
7) keep making small deposits. Ask her about her day without requiring her to respond. Take notice about what she cares about. Ask her about it.

I do this in my group coaching program and I walk step by step in teaching people how to do this. If this is you, go to this link: https://www.cedarandrain.org/breakwater

Come follow me on instagram @MentalLoadCoach and subscribe to my newsletter here.

Send a DM to Angela directly! Share your comments, feedback and feels.

I wanted an egalitarian marriage, but instead, what I got instead surprised me. Tune in and you'll find me sharing about:

• wanting non-traditional roles but sliding into old scripts
• how family of origin teaches roles and responsibilities
• “worry” as a learned language of love
• traditional father models and the invisibility of domestic labor
• Herman’s upbringing and why the mental load stayed unseen
• having a vision but no architecture or roadmap
• competence, shame, and taking on everything by default
• the to do list as a cage that blocks real connection
• naming the imbalance while recognizing generational conditioning
• becoming allies against the pattern and why change stays hard

Come follow me on instagram @MentalLoadCoach and subscribe to my newsletter here.