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Ultimatums are an attempt to send you a warning signal: fight this last fight for our relationship

This is what you need to do:
1) get your internal bearings. Don’t suppress your defensiveness, need to explain or fix it tendencies. But metabolize those reactions so they don’t leak out sideways and cause you to withdraw and her to be even more distrusting.
2) don’t collapse either. Don’t go into your victim mode or silent mode.
3) feel your feelings. Discharge your anger in healthy ways, like talking to a professional (me!) that is trained to not teach you a feminized version of masculinity.
4) recognize the deeper layers of shame that might be coming up and don’t let that hijack your response. Work with the historical shame that comes way before your partner ever entered the picture. It’s the “I’m not good enough of a man” shame
5) deepen your familiarity with your home and the members of your home and see it as a living ecosystem. Start to take end to end responsibilities without prompting and appreciation from her. Be consistent. Work quietly, even when she corrects and re-does some of your work. Continue moving forward.
6) repair and take radical responsibility of the structural imbalance and the role you played in it. You were socialized to disengage and not recognize the mental load. Take responsibility for that and apologize specifically for the impact that your disengagement had on her
7) keep making small deposits. Ask her about her day without requiring her to respond. Take notice about what she cares about. Ask her about it.

I do this in my group coaching program and I walk step by step in teaching people how to do this. If this is you, go to this link: https://www.cedarandrain.org/breakwater

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