We process the deeply conflicting news that Spurs leg-breaker-in-chief, Andy Robertson, is officially a Lilywhite. He's a nasty piece of work, but he's our nasty piece of work.

Simon, Julie, Rob and Kev dive into the absolute chaos of the rumour mill, from the unconfirmed Senesi deal and the mythical Van Hecke "agreed terms," to Gary of Harlow's cognitive dissonance; Gaz, mate, if Harry Kane wants to break the PL goals record, why would he come back to Spurs?

Plus, The Pedro Porro Paradox. We debate the massive perception gap surrounding Performative - why do Real Madrid and City want a man we think is bang average? We share our absolute "wrongest ever" opinions about past Spurs players, and consign hands-on-head goal celebrations to Room 101.

Settle down with a cuppa - or something stronger - and dive into this week's therapy session.

COYS THFC

No boring 'End of Season Review' here. We all suffered that nightmare. Does anyone need reminding?

Instead, Simon Lipson, the luxuriantly thatched Julie Welch, and the balding duo of Kev Acott and Dave Bradshaw hand out end-of-term grades from absolute shit to mediocre, and map out the impending summer chaos.

Inside the Episode:

• The Squad Audit: Sorting the wheat from the chaff. Is Palhinha off? Will we survive Kolo Muani heading back to PSG? (Spoiler: Fuck, yes). Is Solanke good enough? Porro to City (godspeed)? Marcos Senesi, Andy Robertson.
• The 370-Game Injury Crisis: Digging into Spurs’ all-encompassing internal review. The pitch, the medical department, hiring a psychologist to literally cure "Spursy".
• Boardroom Twaddle: Vinai admits the club failed to prioritize football but claims it's Levy's fault. Time for football experts to replace the suits.
• Room 101: We banish those needy, automated "How did we do?" corporate feedback emails.

Plus, are bald men follically challenged or superior? Important debate.

Irreverence, analysis, therapy.

COYS THFC

Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Kev Acott and Eady Hurley process the sheer, unadulterated ecstasy of Premier League safety.

We break down a nerve-shredding afternoon at the Lane, Palhinha’s clutch winner and Kinský’s heroic late save.

Inside the Episode:

• The RDZ Masterclass: How the boss played part-tactician, part-psychologist to save a sinking ship, and why the board must back him or watch him walk.
• The Spine: Praise for Spence playing with broken jaw, Bentancur, Palhinha, and why Kinský has surely locked down the #1 spot.
• The Romero Silence: Why did RDZ name-check everyone after the whistle except his captain?
• The Supporter Police: Why we are absolutely, unapologetically celebrating staying up (and letting Julie loose on the spiteful Alyson Rudd).
• Room 101: We banish the street-blocking zombies who walk and text.

It’s Nice One Cyril — and we are staying up!

COYS THFC

We break down the Chelsea fallout and examine what it means for our Premier League survival.

How do we solve a problem like Richy and Muani? Will RDZ make changes for Everton? Will Solanke be back?

Inside the Episode:

• The Romero Farce: Why are we celebrating a £250k-a-week captain for simply staying in the building? Plus, why Kevin Danso remains the man for the job.
• The Loan Churn: We look at the graveyard of our youth academy and ask why only Noni Madueke ever made it out alive.
• Room 101: We banish George Foreman-style parental narcissism to the abyss.
• Feet of Clay: The legendary Robbie Keane and his multinational franchise of childhood dreams.

With Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Lee Brown & Kev Acott

COYS THFC

It wasn’t the Villa masterclass but, in the cold light of day, it might yet be the point that saves us. We’re diving into the manic, slightly misdirected energy of the Leeds draw, Antonin Kinsky’s physics-defying heroics, and why our frontline has the cutting edge of a butter knife.

Inside the Episode:

• The Tel Paradox: Scores a worldie then attempts aogic-defying defensive acrobatics.
• The Snail and the Ghost: Richy and Muani offered as much threat as a pair of toddler’s safety scissors. We break down the dismal bluntness of a frontline that seems to be running in quicksand.
• Pointless Spite: A 22k-follower account wanted West Ham to win just to spite Arsenal? We discuss why prioritizing Goon hate over Premier League survival is a one-way ticket to a head-wobble.
• Room 101: We bin the "sacred" plastic badge on the floor and re-admit Lange and Vinai.
• Feet of Clay: This week it’s Edgar Davids, Gareth Bale and Lucas Moura.

With Simon Lipson, Julie Welch and Lee Brown

COYS THFC

We’re breaking down a surreal afternoon at Villa Park where Spurs didn't just win, we actually played football.

In this episode:

• The Stand-outs: "Three-Lungs" Gallagher’s relentless engine, VDV’s return to godhood, and the surprising silkiness of the Bentancur-Palhinha pivot.
• RDZ's "Miracle" Speech: We discuss Roberto’s rallying cry to silence the "negative inner voice", avoiding medical team excuses, and how beating Villa would not be a miracle.
• Integrity or Insult? Was it a "lame surrender" from Villa, or are we finally seeing the brand-saving potential of players in the right positions playing with belief and confidence?
• Danso vs. Romero: We ask if Kevin Danso’s calm intelligence and brute strength are exactly what we need for the run-in, as opposed to the cultured chaos of Cuti.
• Transfer Cobblers: Sifting through the Robertson rumours; Vicario-to-Inter "agreement"; and why are we being linked with an out of contract Bournemouth player?

Plus: A trip to Room 101 for Joachim Löw's nasal habits and our search for the very essence of Spurs.

Next up: Leeds. If we win, dare we utter the S-word?

#COYS #THFC #NiceOneCyril

We started with 30 minutes of actual football and ended with a casualty ward and a goal so ugly only a mother could love it. But, hell, it's three points!

On the Menu:

• The Injury Curse: Solanke out, Xavi out. Is the medical team to blame (spoiler alert: no), are refs letting opponents turn our boys into mincemeat, or is something else at play?

  The Muani Hill: RDZ is prepared to die on it, but we’re ready to move to Tel Mountain. We break down the Mathys Tel necessity.

• Kinsky’s Redemption: From the Madrid nightmare to a masterclass of composure and brilliance at Wolves. Is this the end of Flappy?

• Room 101: The Cliche Clearance: We’re burning the footballing lexicon to the ground and ripping half and half scarves in half.

Plus daft tweets, Villa, irreverence, laughs, therapy. It's all here.

With Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Kev Acott and cat-loving Stephen Pollard.

COYS

Spurs looked like a real football team against Brighton, led by a midfield that actually did its job and a Xavi Simons masterclass.

But between Pedro Porro’s positional amnesia, the threat of a Flappy return and the ongoing Muani mystery, we’ve still got plenty to moan about.

Julie Welch, Kev Acott and Dave Bradshaw join Simon Lipson to deep-dive the pros and cons of our performance and so much else.

We look into our passing problem, why digital wayfinding is just what we needed at this difficult time, and the goons make it to Room 101 (not a moment to soon). As does...Pat Nevin. It'll all make sense. Honestly.

Irreverence, analysis, laughs, therapy.

Let's get into it!

COYS THFC