We process the deeply conflicting news that Spurs leg-breaker-in-chief, Andy Robertson, is officially a Lilywhite. He's a nasty piece of work, but he's our nasty piece of work.

Simon, Julie, Rob and Kev dive into the absolute chaos of the rumour mill, from the unconfirmed Senesi deal and the mythical Van Hecke "agreed terms," to Gary of Harlow's cognitive dissonance; Gaz, mate, if Harry Kane wants to break the PL goals record, why would he come back to Spurs?

Plus, The Pedro Porro Paradox. We debate the massive perception gap surrounding Performative - why do Real Madrid and City want a man we think is bang average? We share our absolute "wrongest ever" opinions about past Spurs players, and consign hands-on-head goal celebrations to Room 101.

Settle down with a cuppa - or something stronger - and dive into this week's therapy session.

COYS THFC

No boring 'End of Season Review' here. We all suffered that nightmare. Does anyone need reminding?

Instead, Simon Lipson, the luxuriantly thatched Julie Welch, and the balding duo of Kev Acott and Dave Bradshaw hand out end-of-term grades from absolute shit to mediocre, and map out the impending summer chaos.

Inside the Episode:

• The Squad Audit: Sorting the wheat from the chaff. Is Palhinha off? Will we survive Kolo Muani heading back to PSG? (Spoiler: Fuck, yes). Is Solanke good enough? Porro to City (godspeed)? Marcos Senesi, Andy Robertson.
• The 370-Game Injury Crisis: Digging into Spurs’ all-encompassing internal review. The pitch, the medical department, hiring a psychologist to literally cure "Spursy".
• Boardroom Twaddle: Vinai admits the club failed to prioritize football but claims it's Levy's fault. Time for football experts to replace the suits.
• Room 101: We banish those needy, automated "How did we do?" corporate feedback emails.

Plus, are bald men follically challenged or superior? Important debate.

Irreverence, analysis, therapy.

COYS THFC

Simon Lipson, Julie Welch, Kev Acott and Eady Hurley process the sheer, unadulterated ecstasy of Premier League safety.

We break down a nerve-shredding afternoon at the Lane, Palhinha’s clutch winner and Kinský’s heroic late save.

Inside the Episode:

• The RDZ Masterclass: How the boss played part-tactician, part-psychologist to save a sinking ship, and why the board must back him or watch him walk.
• The Spine: Praise for Spence playing with broken jaw, Bentancur, Palhinha, and why Kinský has surely locked down the #1 spot.
• The Romero Silence: Why did RDZ name-check everyone after the whistle except his captain?
• The Supporter Police: Why we are absolutely, unapologetically celebrating staying up (and letting Julie loose on the spiteful Alyson Rudd).
• Room 101: We banish the street-blocking zombies who walk and text.

It’s Nice One Cyril — and we are staying up!

COYS THFC