John Locke: Enlightenment philosopher, father of liberalism, inventor of “natural rights,” and accidental spiritual patron of land developers, libertarians, and your uncle who won’t shut up about property taxes.

In this gloriously sarcastic takedown of one of Western philosophy’s most over-quoted minds, Sophia Blackwell (Kant You Not, No Self, No God, No Clue) guides you through Locke’s greatest hits—including:

• The blank slate theory, which basically says you’re born dumb and the world makes you worse
• His ideas on identity, which collapse the second you forget your phone password
• His version of consent, which mostly consists of “You didn’t leave, so I assume you’re fine with it.”
• And of course, property rights—where mixing your labor with the earth somehow makes it yours, and stealing land becomes morally correct as long as you bring a shovel

Locke’s political philosophy inspired democracies, revolutions, and every 400-comment Reddit thread titled “Taxation is theft.”

This is not a respectful biography.

This is a roast. A eulogy. A survival guide for understanding how Locke gave us:

• Liberalism
• Landlords
• Legal headaches
• And a political system that thinks fencing off a patch of dirt = moral superiority

Perfect for:

• Recovering philosophy students
• Political skeptics
• Enlightenment haters
• Property law survivors
• And anyone who wants to laugh while questioning whether government is just a giant metaphor for a really passive-aggressive roommate agreement

You don’t need to listen to Two Treatises of Government.

You just need to know Locke said, “I think I own that,” and people believed him.