In this episode, we explore the healing journey for women who have experienced abuse. Jill and I share that in the first edition of the book, we didn’t yet have the chapter on healing. It wasn’t until we had supported women over longer periods – and listened deeply to what they told us – that we were able to understand this phase more fully. As we always do, we gathered women together and asked them to teach us about their healing. What they shared became the core elements of our current understanding.

The women helped us develop what we now call the Figure Eight Model of Healing: an image of a figure eight where the lower loop represents grieving and the upper loop represents rebuilding. Healing moves back and forth between these two experiences. Grieving isn’t separate from healing – it is part of it. Women often feel energized and a sense of rebuilding at some points, and at other times find themselves pulled back into grief. The relative size of the loops shifts over time; sometimes rebuilding is expansive and full of new opportunities, and at other times grief takes up most of the emotional space. Rebuilding can be made up of tiny, meaningful steps – like stepping outside into the garden or offering oneself a moment of kindness. The figure eight is open at both the top and bottom, reminding us that healing is not an endless cycle and that there are ways out and forward.

When women are more in the grieving part of the journey, the sense of loss can be overwhelming. Many describe feeling as though the floor has fallen out from under them—disoriented, alone, and unsure where to anchor themselves. They often grieve the hopes and dreams the relationship once held, including the vision they had for their children’s lives, their families, or the future they believed they were building. There can be disappointment, sadness, anger, and a sense of failure imposed by societal judgment. Women grieve the loss of time, opportunities, financial stability, and connections with people who may have sided with him or distanced themselves. They grieve the betrayal from family, faith communities, workplaces, and systems that should have supported them. Some describe simply enduring life rather than enjoying it, feeling low or depressed, or regretting choices made along the way. We emphasize that expressing grief is not “focusing on the negative” – it is necessary to tell the truth of one’s losses.

Read the rest of the show notes.

If this information has brought you to feeling like you need further support, here are a few available resources:

• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources.
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.

In this episode, we talk about how men’s abuse profoundly impacts mothering and how that abuse so often continues after separation through the legal system.

We begin by reflecting on our own experiences of being mothered and mothering, grounding us in the reality that parenting is never meant to be done alone. From there, we explore how abusive men undermine women’s ability to parent authentically, forcing mothers into impossible double binds – being told they are too strict or too soft, never able to simply respond to their children’s needs without fear of retaliation or escalation.

We discuss how men’s abuse drains the emotional and practical energy of the household, leaving women carrying the vast majority of parenting and domestic labor while also trying to protect their children from harm. We challenge the deeply ingrained belief that a man can be abusive to a woman and still be a “good father,” and we name how children are inevitably impacted when they witness control, intimidation, and disrespect toward their mother.

We also speak to the ways children may imitate abusive behaviors, not because they are abusive themselves, but because they have been burdened with harmful attitudes and tactics learned from their father.

Read the rest of the show notes.

If this information has brought you to feeling like you need further support, here are a few available resources:

• Alison Epp, counselling
• Jo Neill, counselling
• The When Love Hurts website lists their active support groups throughout Canada and provides many articles for further reading.
• 211 is an emergency mental health number in Canada that can be called at any time and they can connect you with available local resources.
• If you still cannot find what you are looking for, please connect with us by email.

Services can repeat dynamics of abuse. In this episode we explore the concept of "harms of help" – the negative experiences women have with the very people and services meant to support them.

This concept came from our research, where over 250 women were asked about what barriers they faced when seeking support. Many women described to us how the support they sought through services and professionals paradoxically added to initial harms of the abuse, rather than helped. Women observed that the treatment by service providers can mirror the control dynamics of their abusive partner. For example, women described harmful experiences with:

• Courts that favor fathers regardless of his violence
• Police who label situations as “mutual conflict.”
• Shelters with rules that exclude vulnerable women.
• Child welfare systems that dismiss disclosures and blame mothers.
• Healthcare providers who offer judgment instead of support
• Helpers that favour or take the side of the abusive man and blame women.
• Counselors who fail to recognize abuse or focus on “relationship skills” instead of safety.

When these responses ignore the abuse, it embolden the abusive partner, compounds the harms of the abuse, and increases women’s isolation.

Read the rest of the show notes, here.

For helpers and professionals, here's a reminder to anyone supporting women:

• Recognize the power you hold.
• Avoid replicating dynamics of control.
• Listen more than you speak.
• Believe women.
• Keep women in control of their own process.
• Understand that systems can create vulnerability.

Closing notes

• For more information, visit whenlovehurts.ca.
• Listeners are invited to join the #WLHCommunity and help spread the message.
• The hosts also thank MCC Canada for supporting Season 1 and welcome sponsors for future seasons.