Remember, Upper Nile Rodgers refers to Nile Rodgers BELOW the waist. Put on something shiny while we ask: What am I supposed to do during this ballad? Have you heard about when we tried to go to a nightclub but instead went home? How many dances can Matt name before Brett restores order? For fans of: disco deconstruction night, close reading, taxonomy as meditation rather than organization.

Garth Brooks is a mask Chris Gaines wears. Hide behind your bangs (in the rafters, on WCW Monday Nitro) while we ask: Was Tony the talent? Would the Nashville establishment allow you to be this sad without also being drunk? Did there need to be this much behind the artist? For fans of: b-sides with backstories, Billy Joel's comments, Babyface without Babyface.

Santana, both band and not. Face your colleagues and ask difficult questions like: How good can you really be at conga drum in relative terms? Which one of these got Michelle Branch on it? ¿Cuántos años tienes? For fans of: guitarists talk guitarists' guitarist, making it real or forgetting about it, trivia questions where you are the answer.

The poems are great but I bet the bathroom's gross. Neglect to mention Blue Oyster Cult and ask: You flew to Paris for this? Does Matt suck at horse guessing? Couldn't get a Dead Boy? For fans of: gallery shows in rough neighborhoods, making Jesse Helms uncomfortable, art reasons.

Where the discussion inevitably turns to what was on the radio in 1995. Put a wet rag over your mouth as we ask: Can we pick an adultery policy and stick to it? Do people of below average intelligence have feelings? How many songs are requried for this to not be a single? For fans of: fidelity, infidelity, low fidelity.

Wherein God takes a nap. Questions abound: Who said what about who? Would you rather? What else can we take from George Harrison? For fans of: notable quotables, impressing Christgau, and rotting in the sun.

Punk rock: it was a big tent back in those days. Meet up with musclehead zombie Elvis for what turns out to be a good deal of fun. Which host is most likely to be eaten by Danzig’s cats? Did Danzig and Doyle wrestle ever? Does more Misfits mean more moms? For fans of: the horrors Eisenhower-era, plaintiff’s attorneys, Doyle.

Dirty Van Morrison does bad Genesis and we kinda like it. Control your breathing as we ask: Did you get a load of that guy? With the nose? And the teeth? Ew. For fans of: the crazy eyes, prancing but not dancing, nicknaming the homeless rather than arming them.