Why does the victim mindset feel so comforting, even when it’s destroying your relationships and keeping you stuck?

In Episode 22 of Things We Say in Therapy, we explore the psychology behind the victim mentality, how unresolved trauma turns into identity, and why externalising blame can feel safer than taking responsibility. We break down the difference between real victimisation and subconscious victim mindset patterns, including external locus of control, shame avoidance, defensiveness, emotional reasoning, and trauma responses.

If you’ve ever thought:

• “Why does this always happen to me?”
• “People are always attacking or misunderstanding me.”

This episode will reveal why.

You’ll learn:

• Why the victim mindset starts as self-protection
• How trauma shapes identity and coping mechanisms
• The psychological benefits of staying in victimhood
• How chronic externalisation impacts relationships
• Why accountability can feel threatening
• The difference between subconscious patterns and weaponised victimhood
• How to begin shifting toward agency without shame

This is not about blaming people who have experienced trauma. It’s about recognising when pain has turned into a protective cage, and how to gently take responsibility for your healing.

If this episode feels uncomfortable, that might mean something resonates.

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What happens when you stop enabling people and start holding them accountable?

In Snack Size Deep Dive 10 we explore the uncomfortable truth that emotional honesty and accountability can cost you relationships. When you stop participating in denial, toxic coping patterns, or self-destructive dynamics, some people won’t grow with you, they’ll distance themselves instead.

This episode covers:

• The psychology behind why accountability triggers shame
• Defensiveness and withdrawal in emotionally avoidant people
• What it means to “hold up a mirror"
• Why growth can feel lonely
• How outgrowing people is often a painful but necessary part of healing.

If you’ve ever been called too intense, too honest, too harsh, or “not fun anymore” after setting boundaries or speaking truth, this conversation is for you.

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I📖f you are struggling with your health, please don't go through it alone. View this: international mental health helpline directory

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Why do you cringe at things you said years ago?
Why do other people’s awkward moments make you physically recoil?

Cringing is a self-conscious emotion tied to shame, belonging, and internalised social rules. It’s your nervous system trying to protect you from rejection.

In Episode 21 I talk about:

• What cringing actually is from a psychological perspective
• Why you judge yourself so harshly for past behaviour
• Why you cringe at other people for being “too much” or "embarrassing"
• How conditional approval shapes your internal rulebook
• The shame loop: rumination, replaying, and self-punishment
• Why highly empathetic or hyper-vigilant people cringe more
• How to respond with curiosity instead of self-abandonment and judgement

Cringing doesn’t mean you’re cruel.
It means something inside you learned that being visible wasn’t safe.

This is honest, uncomfortable self-reflection. Sit with it.

Tell us why you love the show!

Support the show

🎙️NEW EPISODES EVERY MONDAY AND THURSDAY!! Follow so that you don’t miss an episode!💚💛

I📖f you are struggling with your health, please don't go through it alone. View this: international mental health helpline directory

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📺YouTube: https://youtube.com/@thingswesayintherapypodcast?si=Q_9A2cnWL0ceLooM

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