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"Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable." — David Augsburger

Listening effectively is a very valuable gift to someone. It is costly. It values the other person. It is learned and must be practiced. There is a difference between hearing and listening. Listening means that the information stops in the brain and is processed and digested. When information is not digested, then you will find you did not really listen to it and take it in and it quickly is forgotten.

Five types of poor listeners:

1. The advisor: instead of seeking to understand and empathise, they will want to sort out the problem by proposing a fix it. Sometimes the person who has spoken, only wanted to be heard and listened to without a solution. We men can struggle with that. What – no advice wanted!

2. The interrupter: whilst a person is speaking, they are already working out a reply and interrupt when they think they have the answer, before all is shared. Whilst the brain is working out the reply they are not truly listening. Sometimes we are not aware that we interrupt each other.

3. The reassurer: is a person who perhaps interrupts prematurely and gives advice that may belittle what has been said. For example, “It’II be OK”.

4. The rationaliser: that person focuses on explaining why the other feels the way they do. The replies may actually totally miss the point.

5. The deflector: perhaps feels uncomfortable with the subject matter and instead of commenting on the issue, moves the conversation off into a different arena. Often ends up talking more about themself.

Sometimes we cannot see it. Sometimes we need some help to see it. Sometimes the constraints are self-imposed. Sometimes we need to remove the shackles from our own minds so that we can think outside of the box.

We can teach our brains to say the right things, but our heart can betray us. In other words, whilst we are saying what we have rehearsed in our minds, our body language could be giving off a very different impression and contradict our spoken words! The other person is likely to detect that we are not really listening and feel devalued.

Repeatedly devaluing the other person, causes core emotional needs to be depleting. Fight and/or flight will start to come out as they seek to get those needs met elsewhere.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

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Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Se

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We are continuing to look at Couples Counselling to 'Repair' the Sex, Porn, Love Addiction relationship damage. Let's focus on 'Communication'.

"The most basic of all human needs is the need to understand and be understood. The best way to understand people is to listen to them." — Ralph Nichols.

Communication is way more than words that come out of mouths. Do you enter conversations to be understood or is it to understand. Very different styles and approach?

Communication is like a bicycle wheel. Picture the two of you riding along the road to your destination, but not getting very far because both wheels on your tandem bicycle are buckled. You will get to your destination, but not very fast and it is taking more effort to cover the distance.

Now let’s remove one of the bicycle wheels and take a look at what we have in front of us. We can view the hub in the middle and call it 'communication'. The hub needs to be tight and work well, because attached to it are the spokes. The spokes are various life issues that we all face. Life will throw up lots of stuff that we have to deal with.

Those spokes or life issues can be negotiated around and got over much better by the two of you where the hub (communication) is tight and working well for the two of you. How do we tighten the hub so that it keeps the spokes tightly attached to it and stop the wheel warping and hindering progress?

The intention is to tighten up the hub so that when communication is working much better for the two of you, both of you can better tackle life's issues.

There is a difference between Men & Women! Men really are from Mars and women are from Venus.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

British Podcast Awards 2025: Would you consider voting for this Podcast? https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/voting

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Episode Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Sex Porn Love Addiction Podcast, biology, gender, Gary McFarlane

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- On-Demand Programme Link - https://mailchi.mp/bb2a7b851246/kairos-centre

Human beings have a life cycle. Let’s take a look. (The last two stages are not governed by age).
Infant (Birth to 2 years): Changes in schedules, bedtime, routines new people around - can cause anxiety during this phase.
Child (3 to 9 years): Social skills are developing, particularly from interaction with other children. Separation anxiety is visible as children begin school attendance.
Adolescent (10 to 19 years): Peer pressure, romantic relationships and independent identity take place during this period of puberty.
Young adult (20 to 29 years): College, first job, relationship/marriage, children, buying first house are significant events and is a period where all these stressors and assaults on equilibrium will manifest.
Adult (30 to 39 years): Career development, relationship/marriage growth, children - are stressors during this period of increased responsibilities.

Middle age (40 to 60 years): Signs of the aging process impacting lifestyle choices; menopause, children leaving home, peak in career, grandchildren arriving – take a toll on mental and physical health.

Independent old age (Age 60 onward): Increasing signs of aging and lifestyle choices, retirement, health issues, impact wellbeing and quality of life.

Dependent old age (Optional stage): Sense of dependency on others impacts ability to enjoy life.
End of Life: Recognition of end of life approaching and what that means

Adult (30 to 39) is a good time to be actively repairing the couples relationship, despite the stressors and assaults. Emotional Bank Accounts is just one of the repair tools.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Help someone access the Recovery Programme: https://igg.me/at/ThekairosCentre

Help is here: bit.ly/pornaddictionhelp

British Podcast Awards 2025: Would you consider voting for this Podcast? https://www.britishpodcastawards.com/voting

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

Episode Keywords: sex addiction, addicted, sex counseling, partner, porn addiction, recovery, sex drive, sex addiction recovery, therapist, therapy, talk show, sex therapy, podcast, sobriety, counseling, relationships, relationship counseling, relationship advice, addiction, couples, relationship therapy, couples therapy, sex therapist, online counseling, emdr therapy, emdr, sex therapy, addiction, conflict management, love addiction, love addiction therapy, behavior, marriage, marriage advice, psychology, codependency, sex life, neuroscience, sex ed, sober, sobriety, sexual dysfunction, relationship issues, sex coach, sexual, sexual trauma, trauma, brain, sex science, The Sex Porn Love Addiction Podcast, biology, gender, Gary McFarlane

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