Shame is something most of us carry but few of us talk about openly. It can show up in response to that inner voice telling you you're too much or not enough, as the impulse to hide parts of yourself, or as patterns in relationships that leave you feeling disconnected. Yet despite how common shame is, finding effective ways to work with it remains elusive for many people.

In their latest book, Transforming the Shame Triangle: From Shame to Love Using Parts Work, Jessica Fern and David Cooley offer a fresh framework that uses parts work to help us see that shame is part of an internal “Drama Triangle” that they call “The Shame Triangle” and they present a groundbreaking system, integrating IFS with other modalities, to transform shame into Self-Love. When I saw that, I knew I needed to interview them to share these tools with more people. :)

What makes their approach particularly valuable is the practical integration of parts work, giving us concrete tools rather than abstract concepts. They share some of these tools in our interview.

Here’s what we covered in this groundbreaking interview:

What is parts work in the IFS context?

What is the Shame Triangle & what is its destructive impact?

How do we heal Shame at its roots—not just manage it?

How do we transform the Shame Triangle into the self-Love Triangle?

What does integrating the Self-Love Triangle as a new way of living look like?

How have these tools helped you and your clients tangibly experience more love, creativity, and resourcefulness in all relationships?

If you’re someone who has felt the weight of shame and wondered how to move through it, this interview meets you where you are. The authors bring both professional expertise and genuine warmth to a topic that too often gets treated with clinical distance or, worse, more shame.

You can get their book, "Transforming the Shame Triangle," here: https://amzn.to/4a5mEQE

Jessica and David are teaching an 8-week online course to help you integrate and deepen the work in their book. It launches at the end of February of 2026. You can learn more about that here: https://the-azurite-way.mykajabi.com/transforming-the-shame-triangle-feb-2026

Here are their other books:

"Polysecure" by Jessica Fern: https://amzn.to/4bzCSnC

"Polywise" By Jessica Fern and David Cooley: https://amzn.to/3LLJpRG

More about Jessica Fern and David Cooley:

Jessica Fern is a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional, a trained Internal Family Systems (IFS) practitioner, and an integrative therapist drawing on 25 years of experience in somatic, narrative, psychotherapeutic, and spiritual healing modalities. She is the internationally recognized author of Polysecure, and the coauthor with David Cooley of the books Polywise and their newest book Transforming the Shame Triangle. You can learn more about her work at: https://www.jessicafern.com/

David Cooley is a professional Restorative Justice facilitator, diversity and privilege awareness trainer, and bilingual cultural broker. He is the creator of the Restorative Relationship Conversations model, a process that transforms interpersonal conflict into deeper connection, intimacy and repair. You can learn more about his work at: https://www.restorativerelationship.com/

We’ve all been there: we want to communicate about something that’s bothering us, but we know that if we bring it up, it’ll lead to an argument and then we’ll have 2 problems instead of one: the original problem and now you also feel disconnected. Few of us had good modeling for how to communicate in a way that brings us closer.

That’s why I chose to interview Raffi Bilek. Raffi has developed a streamlined formula for how to communicate with your partner in a way that inspires connection rather than conflict and isolation - even when it comes to the really hard stuff. He has helped hundreds of couples improve their communication, boost their connection, recover from hurts and betrayals, and, in many cases, save their marriages.

He shares his formula in our interview and also in his book, “The Couples Communication Handbook,” which he talks about in our interview.

Here are some questions that Raffi answers in our interview:

• Why is communication so important for connection?
• What do people get wrong about communication?
• How can conflict breed connections?
• What can you do when you’re upset so that your communication lands well?
• What are the formulas to share your feelings, desires, and resolve issues so you can feel closer rather than more distant?

You can get the first 2 chapters of Raffi’s book, “The Couples Communication Handbook“ for free at https://www.thecommunicationbook.com/ (PDF or audio files!)

More about Raffi Bilek:

Raffi Bilek has been working with couples across the globe for over a decade. He has helped hundreds of couples improve their communication, boost their connection, recover from hurts and betrayals, and, in many cases, save their marriages.

​Before that, Raffi earned a degree in computer science from Brown University, but never much enjoyed it because the computers wouldn’t laugh at his humor. Besides being a couples counselor and a computer programmer, Raffi is a dad to four girls, a former swing dancer, an Orthodox Jewish rabbi, and a nationally ranked Scrabble player.

​Raffi speaks English, Hebrew, French, and Spanish, has seen the fjords (they really are that good), and enjoys playing word games and telling good (and bad) jokes. He deeply loves his wife, but frankly wishes she got more of his jokes.

Anger is one of the most misunderstood emotions in relationships—and often the most shamed. Which makes sense! Unregulated anger can be genuinely scary. But when we do have the skills to manage our emotions, anger becomes something different: a protective signal. It's telling us a need isn't being met, a boundary's been crossed, or our nervous system is maxed out. Learn to speak kindly when you're angry, or learn how to co-regulate each other's anger, and it can actually bring you closer to your partner.

That's exactly why I wanted to talk to Davina Hehn, an anger management expert. We get into why anger shows up so differently in different people, how emotional reactivity hijacks connection, and what actually helps couples move from blowing up to repair. Davina introduces the idea of anger archetypes, explains how your nervous system shapes your conflict patterns, and shares practical ways to respond to anger with curiosity—not defensiveness.

Here’s what we cover in our interview:

Why is anger so demonized in romantic relationships?

How do you differentiate “healthy anger” from reactive or destructive anger?

What’s actually happening in the nervous system during emotional blowups?

Why do some people explode while others shut down during conflict?

How does childhood conditioning or attachment style shape our anger responses?

What’s the most common mistake couples make when anger shows up?

How can someone respond differently in the moment (before things escalate)?

How can people learn their anger patterns and practice regulation in real time?

This conversation is for anyone who’s ever thought, “Why do we keep having the same fight?”—and is ready to understand what anger is really trying to say in love.

You can get Davina’s free Anger Archetype Quiz here: https://asteadyspace.com/anger-archetype-quiz

More about Davina Hehn: Davina Hehn is a trained therapist turned mental health coach, speaker, and founder of A Steady Space. She helps people transform explosive reactions, simmering resentment, and shutdown habits into emotional clarity and connection. Her work is rooted in her own powerful story of healing a struggling marriage and rewriting the patterns she inherited. Davina specializes in Anger Intelligence and building healthier communication that strengthens families across generations, empowering parents to raise children in ways worth repeating.