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Most relationship patterns — the ones you keep repeating without meaning to — trace back to one thing: your Attachment Style. In this video, Gary breaks down the four Attachment Styles (secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized), what drives each one, and why understanding yours is often the missing piece in relationships that keep hitting the same wall.

This isn't about labelling yourself — it's about recognising the pattern so you can actually change it. Gary works with Singles, Couples, Marrieds, Sex therapy issue, porn/sex addicts, love addicts, EMDR for PTSD/Trauma/Complex Trauma/Anxiety/Stress/Depression; Female only partner support groups and individual support; Accredited EMDR Practitioner for PTSD, Trauma, Complex Trauma, Depression, Anxiety, stress, low mood and such issues - whether client is based in the UK or abroad – working online via email, webcam, telephone and all online mediums.

TAGS:

Core/broad:

attachment styles, attachment theory, secure attachment, insecure attachment, relationship psychology

Specific/technical:

anxious attachment, avoidant attachment, disorganized attachment, attachment style quiz, attachment and relationships

Intent-based:

what is my attachment style, why do I push people away, why am I so anxious in relationships, how to fix insecure attachment

Credibility/framework tie-in:

trained by Thaddeus Birchard, ATSAC therapist, sex addiction specialist UK, accredited sex addiction therapist

Long-tail:

signs of anxious attachment style, signs of avoidant attachment style, how attachment style affects relationships

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

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The Attachment That's Really Avoidance — Why Closeness Can Feel Like a Threat

Why Some People Feel Closest When They're Actually Furthest Away

DESCRIPTION:
What looks like attachment — staying, showing up, saying the right things — can actually be a form of detachment. Many people in relationships with addiction stay closely tied to the routine and the role, while emotionally checking out from the relationship itself.

In this video, Gary unpacks the hidden psychology behind this pattern: why intense involvement in a relationship doesn't always mean genuine emotional connection, and how addiction, trauma, and self-protection can produce something that looks like closeness but functions as distance.

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.

TAGS:

Core/broad:
attachment vs detachment, relationship psychology, emotional detachment, addiction and relationships, betrayal trauma

Specific/technical:
attachment styles, avoidant attachment, emotional unavailability, detachment in relationships, addiction and emotional distance

Intent-based:
why do I feel disconnected in my relationship, signs of emotional detachment, why does closeness feel threatening, attachment vs avoidance

Long-tail:
why attachment can look like detachment, hidden psychology of emotional distance, attachment issues

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When you do Therapy/Counselling with The Kairos Centre, there are these 3 Stages which summarise the process:

Stage one: Explore - that is what we do in the 50 minutes session. We jump into the sand pit together to talk, discuss and explore the issues.

Stage two: Reflections in order to gain Insight & Understanding. That is what you do outside of the sessions. It is actually the most important stage, because that is when you make connections based on the Stage one Exploring.

Stage three: Action/Change - now that you have Explored and Reflected, you may want to do something with the insights gained; with the issues moved from the unconscious into the conscious. You will do a lot of this Action/Change yourself; but at other times, you will need help from your Therapist.

The Pothole Poem is a lovely summary and reminder of the frustrations of repeating the problem and even worse, repeating them even after you can now see and recognise them in the consciousness. "Then why do I keep repeating the patterns"?

Because the behaviours have often had decades of presence in your life - on repeat and you expect to change them within days or weeks. Not really feasible, because they will have become neural Pathways/hamster wheel behaviour patterns/habits. It takes time to break down neural pathways and change them to positive welcomed habits/practices.

There are no quick fixes with Sex/Porn/Love Addiction Recovery. Hence, I do not talk about someone achieving sobriety until one year from their last 'Acting out' behaviour.

Read the poem - A poem by Portia Nelson, published in her book, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk: The Romance of Self-Discovery

Get some help from The Kairos Centre. See what you cannot see. Begin to change that which you begin to better understand.

Bringing colour back to life - without Shame.

Video-on-Demand Online Course (for Singles, Couples/Marrieds/Partners) Access: https://www.kairos-centre.com/singles-couples-partners-marriage-programme/

Gary McFarlane (BA, LLM, Dip, Certs), Accredited EMDR Practitioner.