Is there something you've never said out loud? Something you decided a long time ago nobody could ever know?

That's shame. And DBT has a surprisingly concrete framework for working through it.

In this episode I walk through Emotion Regulation Handouts 6, 11, and 13 — what shame actually is, how it differs from guilt, why they feed each other, and the two questions that determine your path forward. Your answers put you in one of four boxes, each with a completely different set of instructions.

I also get personal. More personal than usual. Because the antidote to shame is saying it out loud to one safe person — and I share what happened when I finally did.

Topics covered:

• Shame vs guilt — body, words, and action urges
• The integrity gap — what chronic hiding actually costs
• Four combinations of justified/unjustified shame and guilt
• Opposite action — what it is and what it isn't
• How to find your safe person
• My own story

Timestamps: (0:00) Hook: Is there something you've never said out loud? (0:31) Welcome + disclaimer (1:29) What shame actually is (DBT definition) (4:57) Why shame is devastating (7:22) You become a structural liar (8:56) Shame spreads (generational trauma) (10:29) Guilt vs shame (13:01) How guilt and shame feed each other (14:08) My personal story (16:43) The two questions (Handout 11) (17:55) Neither justified (survivor's guilt) (19:30) Guilt justified, shame not (cheap dopamine) (21:20) Shame justified, guilt not (this podcast) (22:58) Both justified (the hardest one) (25:45) Opposite action (27:44) Finding your safe person (31:17) How it played out for me (32:14) Close: The wall was just a wall

References: DBT Emotion Regulation Handouts 6, 11 & 13 | Bessel van der Kolk — The Body Keeps the Score | Episodes 3, 13 & 23

Disclaimer: I am not a licensed therapist. If you're in crisis, please reach out to a professional or crisis line.

⁠TMS.show/24