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Secret Spirits

Secret Spirits

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Are you an Unwitting Wife of an Addict or Alcoholic? Me too.

Did you know that just by living so closely to such a cunning, deceptive, self-serving disease, you, too, have become "sick"? And did you know that YOU are often the key to motivating your partner, a good person suffering from addiction or alcoholism, into getting help? Take a deep breath and join me on this journey today. Welcome to your awakening.

Copyright 2025 All rights reserved. Hygiène et vie saine Psychologie Psychologie et psychiatrie
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    Épisodes
    • The Codependent Cycle Through the Lens of The Ethics of Yoga

      The Codependent Cycle Through the Lens of The Ethics of Yoga
      Dec 5 2025
      Welcome. Today, I'd like to draw your attention to how our Code of Ethics, the Yamas and Niyamas can be applied to our discussions around codependent behaviors. Let's first apply definitions. As a reminder, we define codependent partners as: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is obsessed with controlling that other person’s behavior.” (Codependent No More, Melody Beattie, 1986) How many of us are parents? How many of us are trying to navigate an impossible situation, desperately seeking to find a balance? Trying desperately to hold the family together, to hold your husband’s feet to the ground for fear that he’ll float away if you let go even for a second. Let’s discuss how we can employ the use of our Yoga Ethics to help guide our decisions and behaviors through this challenging time. In our practice of the Yamas, External “restraints” or moral disciplines for how to behave in community with others. The practice of finding balance is identified as brahmacharya, translated as the “right use of energy”. When we consider the “right use of energy”, we are speaking about conserving our vital energy and directing it healthily. This practice is directly connected to our Tapas, translated as Austerity/Discipline. The topic of tapas is found within the Niyamas or our Internal “observances” or personal disciplines that focus on self-care and inner development. Austerity is commonly defined as the quality of living with little or no luxuries. The practice of self-discipline and austerity, through all efforts (physical, mental, and verbal) to burn away impurities and build inner strength. How the 3 Interact Now to make the connection between Codependent Partners, the Right Use of Energy and Austerity/Discipline. I am someone who fell into very predictable codependent patterns, in a desperate effort to hold my family together, amidst my husband’s behavior becoming erratic and unstable over an extended period of time. I often encourage this community to find grace in our own pitfalls, that we were REACTING out of the BEST of intentions under the WORST of circumstances. That said, finding grace for our behaviors is NOT giving ourselves the permission to continue behaving in a codependent manner. The key to arresting the codependent cycle is DETACHING. When we consider the word detaching, we define it as: “stopping our own reactivity to our partner’s behaviors.” Considering that definition, of stopping our own reactivity - that sounds entirely similar as finding our “right use of energy”. It does not serve us to engage in codependent behaviors; it does not propel us forward in any way. Our energy is better directed in a variety of other avenues. For example: Focusing on regaining our own sense of self Engaging in rigorous self-study How did we get here?What is the next right decision? How will this environment affect my children and their chances at having a healthy future? What boundaries are needed to enforce a sphere of safety around my kids and me? Using our definition of abuse, can I identify an instance where any of the forms of abuse have taken place in this home? How can I apply wisdom gained from past life lessons to help navigate this scenario? Educating myself on: The subconscious family role that I have adopted, and how to escape those behaviors. Addicted household patterns. Cues that indicate a relapse. Self-care activities: YogaMeditationsOutdoor walksSimple time with my kids Cathartic cleaning of the house And now for the tricky bit. The application of austerity or self-discipline. This aspect poses a particular challenge when considering all the aspects of pop culture that influence our days. Austerity, the practice of applying self-discipline across our physical, mental, and verbal efforts. Burning away any impurities that arise within our own humanity. Here I’d like to remind you of the physical practice of yoga, the Asana. Consider the most challenging physical posture that you can comprehend. For me, that’s the handstand. My constant challenger. Consider all the work that’s required to even consider inverting into a free handstand. Consider the mental discipline, the physical discipline, and the inner voice that you employ to encourage or discourage yourself. You actively and willingly engage in the hard work, knowing your time under tension will be brief and rewarding. This is your example of austerity in practice. Now, how do you apply austerity in your relationship with a good person suffering from addiction or alcoholism? Through the application and upholding of healthy boundaries. Recall, when we consider setting a boundary, we consider the following aspects; Physical boundaries Emotional BoundariesCommunicative Boundaries Psychological Boundaries Consider the active enforcement of boundaries, combined with the efforts of DETACHING...
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      11 min
    • Thanksgiving Holiday Reflections - Svadhyaya (Yoga Ethics) or “Self-Study”

      Thanksgiving Holiday Reflections - Svadhyaya (Yoga Ethics) or “Self-Study”
      Dec 2 2025
      https://secretspirits.com/2025/12/02/thanksgiving-holiday-reflections-svadhyaya-or-self-study/ Welcome. How was your holiday? For today’s episode, let’s employ one of our most valuable tools, the tool of Svadhyaya (Yoga Ethics) or “Self-Study”. Together, we will review the events of the holiday, the holiday weekend, and reflect on our emotions, our reactions, our behaviors and OUR choices. Recall the mission of Secret Spirits, to support the wives, partners, girlfriends of addicts and alcoholics – to guide YOU toward your own awakening. To illuminate the truth and demonstrate a better way. With that, let’s dive in. Intention with Your Surroundings First, let’s ensure we are ready for self-reflection. Are you comfortable?If you journal, ensure you have a clean fresh page and pen.Do you need to dim the lights?Do you need to put some soothing music or sounds on?Do you need some coffee or tea? Let’s Begin with an Overview of the Holiday, a Reminder of Sorts The holiday originated in 1621, a harvest feast between the Plymouth colonists and the Wampanoag tribe. The Plymouth colonists struggled through their first year; the Wampanoag people helped them by sharing valuable knowledge of the land and its resources. When the colonists had their first successful harvest, they held a feast to celebrate and give thanks. The Wampanoag people were invited to share in this three-day harvest festival, which included deer, fowl, seafood and other foods. In 1863, Abraham Lincoln issued a proclamation declaring a national day of thanksgiving to be celebrated on the last Thursday of November. Of course, we could go deeper into the history of the holiday, but that’s not why we’re here. We’re here to continue on our own journey of awakening. Thoughtfulness on Your Holiday After reviewing the brief overview of the history of the holiday of Thanksgiving, a reminder of the purpose of the celebration. I have some questions to kick off our episode of self-reflection. For today, I will first pose the question before providing my own reflective response. How do you feel, right now, on the other side of what can be a very stressful weekend? I’ll share how I feel. I am relieved to have navigated this first holiday of the holiday season. It wasn’t as smooth or effortless as I would have liked. That’s why today’s exercise in self-reflection is so important to me. I want to identify the pitfalls in my behaviors, moods, and expectations and course-correct for the coming Christmas holiday. What was the HARDEST part of the holiday from as TASK perspective? I had trouble managing timing on the Thanksgiving holiday. I wanted to make a beautiful french pastry to contribute to the family meal. I had this vision in my head of arriving with a somewhat exotic pastry in hand as my contribution. I thought making the dish would be a bonding moment for my daughter and me. I failed to read the directions for all the components, and my pastry dough was frozen when I needed to assemble it. While trying to troubleshoot that aspect, I became rushed and sloppy. I through the dish together in a hurry and was so displeased with its appearance. I refused to bring it as an offering to the meal. I can see now how that was a decision in DIRECT OPPOSITION to the meaning of the holiday. Not the example I am striving to set for my children. What was the HARDEST part of the holiday from an EMOTIONAL perspective? (deep breath) This is a complex question for me at this moment. I found myself feeling very grumpy before the Thanksgiving dinner. In reflection, I can see how my feelings of discourse were directly tied to the expectations I had of my husband’s behaviors. A phantom limb sort of reaction, a deep sense of repetitive behaviors looming at the evening’s Thanksgiving dinner table. I expected my husband’s ability to “cope” with being surrounded by HIS family to be challenged. And guess what, I was right. He failed to cope in a healthy manner. He has admitted to smoking his “vape” (against my house rules) the night of the Thanksgiving dinner. In reality, I believe he engaged in his disease. I believe he took more of his prescription medication than he is directed to by his team of physicians and psychiatrists. This is something that, now that my kids are back in school for the day, I have time to ruminate on, and consider what tools are available to me. If you have been listening to this podcast for several weeks, you may have gleaned that my husband is living separately from the kids and me. He is in a sober living environment, where he is drug and alcohol tested regularly. So my first call this morning, after school drop off was to the family coach at his sober living environment, to alert them to my beliefs of his behaviors, and request testing for specific types of use. After placing that call, I release any responsibility or thought on the subject. I give that to the team in place, and know that if my husband is ...
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      15 min
    • Bonus Episode: Thanksgiving Strategies

      Bonus Episode: Thanksgiving Strategies
      Nov 25 2025
      Bonus Episode: Thanksgiving Strategies November 25, 2025 The holidays can be challenging for any family. Let alone a family navigating the murky waters of addiction or alcoholism. On the precipice of such a challenging event, the Thanksgiving dinner that is looming in our distance. Let’s briefly remind ourselves of our; RoleBoundariesYour Tool Kit With that, let’s dive into this week’s mini-episode. Reminder of Our Role With the prospect of the great Thanksgiving Dinner looming in the distance, as partners of good people suffering from addiction or alcoholism. Our minds have already begun a neurotic examination of possible scenarios that will undoubtedly lead to triggering emotions in our partners. (Deep breath) This is a gentle reminder, THIS IS NOT YOUR ROLE HERE. It is NOT your job to carefully examine the landscape and look for the hidden landmines.It is NOT your job to try to navigate emotional triggers to shield your partner from encountering any distress.It is NOT your job to be the buffer between your partner and his family.It is NOT your job to maniacally follow your partner around to ensure they never have the opportunity to engage in secret spirits. Take a deep breath and LET GO of that role. That is a HUGE burden you have been carrying. And again, WE KNOW that we fall into that role as a logical reaction to our partners’ behaviors when they are in active addiction. Born of the best of intentions, under the worst of circumstances. So IF THAT is not our role. What is our role? Let’s discuss. Enacting Healthy and Appropriate Boundaries A reminder here, we define a boundary as a sphere of safety around your persons. That encompasses; Physical BoundariesEmotional BoundariesPsychological BoundariesCommunicative Boundaries Ask yourself this simple, yet very difficult question. “What boundaries do YOU need to feel safe this Thanksgiving?” (Deep breath) That’s a big question. Now, recognize that your family, or your partner’s family’s expectations for the holiday, have no business influencing the answer to that question. Any justification or excuse you may feel compelled to use to avoid setting an appropriate and healthy boundary needs to be evaluated, disarmed, and reconciled. So I ask again, “What boundaries do YOU need to feel safe this Thanksgiving?” Do you need to, Go late to the dinner, and leave early?Skip the big family event, opt for a casual morning visit with the family – a more intimate controlled, sober option for engaging with the family?Skip the family events all together? Cook a meal at home with the kids? These are only options to get your creative juices flowing, so you can craft a plan that; Meets your family’s needsEnsures your boundaries are upheld and you feel safeHonors your own ties to your extended familyHonors the tradition and sentiment of the holiday The BIG Boundary COMES FIRST The above are boundaries around the dinner event itself. But let’s talk about the BIG boundary that needs to be in place. Are you ready? “You will accept nothing, other than sobriety this holiday.” Say it out loud, over and over again, until you find peace, logic, and serenity in that statement. You will accept NOTHING short of a fully sober partner. That is THE MAIN BOUNDARY that needs to be upheld and enforced before ANY OTHER BOUNDARY can be ventured or gained. What do I mean by this? Simple. If you enact a variety of boundaries to prop up your day, to protect your peace. And your partner is living in active addiction, and quite predictably becomes intoxicated. What exactly is it that you have protected or gained through your efforts? You must FIRST ensure your MAIN BOUNDARY, your BIG SCARY BOUNDARY, is in place before you structure your day. Know this truth, this is a FACT of being married to a good person suffering from addiction or alcoholism – regardless of the day of the week – regardless of the looming holiday. This coming holiday simply serves as an opportunity to practice your newly learned skills. To step out of the natural codependent role. And into a role that is PRODUCTIVE, PROPELS YOU (and your kids – if you have them) FORWARD, towards a better tomorrow. Your Tool Kit – Healthy Skills With that, let’s discuss your skills, the tool kit YOU need to be equipped with this week. In brief; Mindful of Typical Codependent PitfallsDetaching MantraYour Guide to Navigating Manipulations and LiesLens of Critical ThinkingYour Definition of LOVE Let’s discuss in greater detail. Mindful of Typical (and Atypical) Codependent Pitfalls Let’s remind ourselves of the definition of Co-Dependent Partners; “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect them and who is OBSESSED with controlling that person’s behavior.” Defined by Melody Beattie in her book Codependent No More. For me, my codependent tendencies are so deeply entrenched with enmeshment, I have to remind myself to DETACH. To not only detach myself from my ...
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      18 min
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