Peter & Theresa begin answering the questions coming in from you, our listeners!
Today's question is about dialogue communication. How do you simply listen and love when you feel such a need to argue and debate?
In order to answer it, the Martins explain all about dialoguing and keeping first things first!
What happens when your spouse feels that no matter what they feel, they are worthy of love?
When it gets challenging, learn the Martins' tip for visualizing the problem!
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How to Dialogue:
The ‘Dialogue’ method of communication has been taught for decades, and it is incredibly helpful! We each have a deep longing to be fully known and fully loved.
This method allows you to share with your spouse and truly hear them, not to discuss or argue, but to accept them and love them in their “real” of that moment.
Every person communicates on several levels, and each level brings more vulnerability and more intimacy: 1) “small talk,” 2) “facts.” 3) “opinions” ... The fourth and fifth levels are “feelings” and “needs."
It is not a time to sort out schedules or even plans for the future. It is an opportunity to hear the feelings and emotions of your beloved and respect them with great love. When your innermost feelings are respected and understood, you feel loved; you feel worthy. Not only that, but it fortifies the unity between you and gives more foundation for your conjugal spiritualty to grow.
It takes about 20-30 minutes altogether, but can be broken up. There are a couple parts to the Dialogue and then, when complete, you can segue to a discussion, if you want.
A)Begin by asking a question. For example, let’s use: “What was one of my favorite dates with you? How do I feel about my answer?” And you write this at the top of the page.
B) Write a letter to your beloved.
Writing a letter gives you time to explain how you answer that question.
C) Define the feeling.
After writing the letter, take time to understand your own feelings. You can write this directly under your letter.
1. I feel _________ about __________.
On the next couple pages are lists of feeling words that can give us more of a vocabulary to articulate exactly how we feel.
2. Physical Sensation: If my feeling were a physical sensation it would be like _________. Briefly explain the sensation. For example, “nervous” might feel like butterflies in your stomach. Using our example:
3. Intensity 1 – 10. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest, my feeling is a ____.
4. Color. My feeling is the color of___________. Although this can be trickier if you are not a visual person, just give it go—you may surprise yourself!
5. Using one of the five senses. My feeling is like ___________.
6. Shared Memory: My______ feeling is like when we_______ .
D) Exchanging/ reading the letters.
Exchange your letters and then read your spouse’s letter twice. Yes, that’s right: twice.
You read it once with your head and then, once with your heart.
E) Sharing the letters.
Then take turns going over what each person wrote, one at a time. You share with your spouse what you understood from what your spouse has written.
The point of this is to demonstrate that you have fully understood what your beloved wrote (not to argue or discuss!). To assure that you have understood, you will end your turn of the sharing by asking: “have I fully understood how you feel?” Once the first person feels they have been understood, you move to the other’s letter.
You may find yourself saying, “well, yes and no. When I said this, I really meant …” And your spouse listens and shares to clarify. And then will ask again, “do you think I have fully understood how you feel?” Keep going until you both have a “yes.”
F) Post-dialogue.
When you have both felt understood, the dialogue is over.
