Overcoming a Struggling Marriage (Part 2): Abandon Criticism, Negativity, and Division

Ask most couples if their marriage is struggling and they'll say, "No… but we're really busy." Jobs, church, and a calendar full of the kids' sports, music lessons, and fine arts can leave husbands and wives passing in the hallway. Some couples simply land in a stagnant season.

In Episode 335, Dave and Bethlie Young continue their mini-series within the Overcoming series. They remind couples that it takes two to overcome a struggling marriage, and that the Christian's victory over the world comes through faith.

Episode Overview

After a quick review of last week's first two steps, the Youngs introduce the third step for overcoming a struggling marriage: Abandon. They're quick to clarify that this does not mean abandoning your spouse. It means letting go of three habits that quietly erode a Christian marriage.

In counseling, the Youngs often find that each spouse wants to be closer but sees the fault only in the other person. Dave points to the Lord's message to the lukewarm church of Laodicea. Things weren't well, though they thought they were, yet the Lord loved them and promised to help them overcome.

• Husbands speak words of affection, and wives speak words of affirmation.
• Both spouses speak gratitude, praise, and prayer.
• Dave recalls the Youngs' interview with Dr. Gary Thomas about making good marriages great.
• In a recent counseling session, a wife immediately attacked her husband's account instead of sharing her own. Dave's response: Stop that.
• Check-in question: What words of affection or affirmation did you speak on purpose this week?

• Seek to serve each other. Ask "What can I do for you?" instead of "What will my spouse do for me?"
• Seek to solve problems together. Be swift to hear and slow to speak, and learn to identify the real problem.
• Seek God together. Go to church, small groups, and Bible studies together, and above all, pray together to reconnect when you feel distant.

Abandon All Criticism

Scripture teaches that as a person thinks in their heart, so are they. When a husband constantly criticizes his wife, she begins to see herself that way and live that way. The same is true when a wife criticizes her husband. The Youngs note they see this same pattern in children raised by negative parents.

Bethlie adds that a husband who is constantly corrected for how he bathes or diapers the baby or shops for groceries will often just stop trying. That leaves the wife even more frustrated.

How to Address Real Issues Without Criticism

• Ask a favor. Try "Would you do this for me?" instead of sarcasm or eye-rolling.
• Accept that different isn't wrong. If the baby gets changed, go with it.
• Talk with curiosity. Ask, "Is that how your family did it?"
• Save corrections for things that truly matter, and let the rest go.
• Wives, watch the perfectionism. As Bethlie puts it, get off your "control girl high horse."

Abandon All Negative Statements

Sitcom-style sarcasm, like "You're such an idiot, ha ha," trained a generation to laugh at put-downs. In a real marriage, those words weaken and demolish.

Abandon Division

Anything that pulls you apart has to go. Dave points to Peter's call to "add to your faith." God works through addition and multiplication. Add to your marriage, and multiply your efforts: if your kind words didn't land last week, say them ten times more. Text them, email them, write them on the calendar, or tuck them in a lunchbox.

Picking up from the Overcoming Technology series, the Youngs warn that couples can sit on the same couch or lie in the same bed on separate devices and still be divided. Children's activities can divide families too.

Try this: Take your family out to eat, leave every phone in the car, and notice how hard conversation feels at first.

Sit down together and ask:

1. Do you feel like we are divided in any way?
2. What do you think we could do to improve that?

Part 3 continues next week with more on doing life together.

A struggling marriage doesn't have to become a doomed marriage. In Part 1 of Overcoming a Struggling Marriage, Dave and Bethlie share the first two of five biblical steps for turning a Christian marriage around, even in the busy years of raising children.

Step one is SPEAK. Husbands give words of affection, wives give words of affirmation, and both spouses offer gratitude, praise, and prayer. Step two is SEEK. That means seeking each other out, serving each other, solving problems together, and seeking God together, including a simple church-pew habit that protects your marriage.

The episode is practical, and a little funny (yes, the bedroom pillows come up). It's for every Christian family that wants more than "just hanging on."

Marriages struggle for many reasons:

• Busy seasons of work and raising young children
• Empty-nest adjustments after years centered on the kids
• Phones and screens pulling spouses into separate corners
• Deeper hurts, such as dishonesty or feeling uncared for

The first move is refusing the lie that struggle means the end.

Speech is one of God's greatest gifts to people. In a struggling marriage, couples tend to go silent, or they let loose unkind and unhelpful words. Dave points to Scripture's call to avoid corrupt communication and to build each other up. He also cites Solomon's warning in Proverbs that careless words can pierce like a sword.

Husbands: Speak Words of Affection

A wife needs to hear "I love you," and Dave suggests adding the word because: "I love you because…" That meets her heart's question: Am I loved enough?

Wives: Speak Words of Affirmation

A husband's heart asks: Do you respect me? Am I good enough? Bethlie challenges wives to resist the cultural habit of picking men apart, both at home, among friends, and on social media. She shares a testimony from the Seeking Him Bible study by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth and Tim Grissom. In it, a wife repented of being controlling and critical, and her husband said her new encouragement let him thrive.

Both Spouses: Speak Gratitude, Praise, and Prayer

• Gratitude: Don't take a hardworking husband or a devoted wife for granted. Say thank you often.
• Praise: The praise you need should come from inside your home, not from strangers at the grocery store.
• Prayer: Pray for your spouse instead of growing bitter. Send a text that says, "I prayed for you today."

Bethlie shares a helpful principle attributed to Mrs. Graham: Take your praise to your husband, and take your complaints to the Lord.

Seek Each Other Out and Do Things Together

Put the phones down. Don't settle into separate rooms. Play board or card games, watch a movie, and laugh together. Don't let the world separate you.

Seek to Serve Each Other

Get the snack. Run the errand. Wipe down the sink. Learn how your spouse likes things done, even the order of the bed pillows, and turn small irritations into acts of service.

Seek to Solve Problems Together

Listen well, identify the real problem, give grace, and learn to let things go. (The Youngs' earlier conflict resolution series goes deeper on this.)

Seek God Together

Worship together, sit together in church, attend small groups and Sunday school together, and pray together. Bethlie shares advice from Pat and Susie Del Porto: don't let your children sit between you in church. Sitting shoulder to shoulder under the Word of God softens hearts and sweetens a marriage.

In part 3 of the Overcoming Technology mini-series, Dave and Bethlie quickly recap the first three steps (determine if you need to change, educate yourself, recognize the damage) before landing on the three that close out the series: find alternative activities, create tech-free zones, and discuss the changes needed — together, as a family. Technology itself isn't evil — it's a gift from God (1 Timothy 6:17) — but Christians are called to walk circumspectly (Ephesians 5) and redeem the time, which is hard to do when technology is running the show instead of being run by us.

Quick recap of steps 1–4 (from Parts 1 & 2):

1. Determine if you need to overcome technology
2. Educate yourself (books, podcasts, research)
3. Recognize the damage it can cause (sleep disruption, social isolation, eye strain, shorter attention spans, addiction, loss of privacy, cyberbullying)
4. Determine the changes needed (individual — time limits, habit changes, removing non-essential apps, silencing notifications)

The final three steps:

1. Find alternative activities — Step away on purpose through physical activity, hobbies, and face-to-face interaction. Suggestions: walks after dinner, biking, mountain biking, golf, tennis, painting, crafting, cooking. The point: if parents don't proactively offer alternatives, kids won't find them on their own.
2. Create tech-free zones — Specific zones discussed:
   • Mealtime — TV off, phones away, actual conversation
   • The bedroom — phones stay out, use an analog/digital alarm clock instead; protects sleep and removes late-night temptation
   • Ballgames and kids' activities — be present, not on your phone
   • Family movie night — phone-free even during streaming ad breaks (use the break for a bathroom run, popcorn, or "a kissing break")
   • Alternative approach: designate the family room (or one area) as the only place tech is allowed, making the rest of the house tech-free by default
3. Discuss the changes needed — with your kids, not just for them — Ask questions rather than issue mandates: "Do you think you're on the internet too much?" "What would you do with your time if you weren't on TikTok?" Getting kids to buy in (rather than just enforcing rules) leads to better results. Consider one tech-free day a month as a family, agreed on together.

In part two of the Overcoming Technology series, Dave and Bethlie continue unpacking how smartphones and social media quietly reshape our habits, relationships, and spiritual life — and what to do about it. Building on Tony Reinke's 12 Ways Your Phone Is Changing You, they walk through the specific ways technology damages attention, relationships, and reflection, then move into practical, doable changes.

Recap the 12 ways phones change us (from Tony Reinke's book), continued from Part 1:

- Phones constantly pull our attention away from the present moment (and the "seven-minute foundation" needed for meaningful conversation)

- Digital interaction often replaces physical presence with people around us

- Online metrics drive an unhealthy desire for affirmation (likes, followers, influencer culture)

- Skimming digital feeds reduces deep reading comprehension

- Endless entertainment is available at any second (the disappearance of boredom)

- Online personas mask true self-understanding

- Digital connectivity frequently leads to isolated lifestyles rather than true community

- Screens provide private access to harmful or distracting imagery

- An overload of trivia crowds out deep reflection

- Constant checking stems from anxiety over being disconnected

- Impersonal digital spaces lower our patience and kindness in communication

- Constant notifications eliminate the silent spaces needed for prayer and calm thought

The four-step framework for overcoming technology:

1. Determine if you need to overcome technology (are you controlled by it? better because of it? how is it affecting your kids?)
2. Educate yourself (read books, research — they recommend The Tech-Wise Family and 12 Ways Your Phone Is Changing You)
3. Recognize the damage it can cause (the list above)
4. Determine the changes needed — practical steps discussed:

- Set time limits (using phone settings or a timer/Alexa)

- Change habits (phones out of the bedroom, off the table at meals, a charging basket)

- Replace with something better (a regular watch instead of a smart watch)

- Silence notifications and check at scheduled times

- Remove non-essential apps (or access certain platforms only on a computer)

- Turn off notifications and keep the phone on silent

Overcoming Technology Part 1

Is your phone running your house or are you running it? What about other forms of technology? Dave and Bethlie are back from their August break and kicking off a new stretch of the Overcoming series: Overcoming Technology.

How do you overcome technology?

We've listed a few suggestions:

1. Determine if you need to do so
   1. Are you controlled by it?
   2. Are you better becausse of it?
   3. Where are you being negatively impacted by it?
   4. Are your children being negatively impacted by it?
   5. 68% of us admit that electronic devices keep us from having real conversations
   6. 50% of us see phones as a significant disruption to our family meals.
2. Educate yourself
   1. Read and research
   2. 12 Ways Your Phone Is Changing You
   3. My Tech Wise Family
   4. The Tech Wise Family
3. Recognize the damage it can cause
   1. Sleep disruption
   2. Reduced physical activity
   3. Social isolation
   4. Mental health issues
   5. Digital eye strain
   6. Shorter attention span
   7. Cyberbullying
   8. Loss of privacy
   9. Technology addiction
   10. Environmental damage

Text: Deuteronomy 6:6–12 (review of 6–9, new focus on 10–12)

Underlying foundation: knowing God — building a real, living relationship with Him (not just a salvation moment).

1. Fear God — reverent awe + healthy fear of consequences.
2. Keep God First — requires ongoing self-examination ("Lord, am I keeping you first?"). This is similiar to the purpose of a revival: intentional, recurring evaluation of the heart.
3. Love God with heart, soul, might/mind/strength — loving God with total, unguarded enthusiasm.
4. Teach God's Word Diligently — not just memorization but application, so Scripture "pops up" in the heart in the moment of decision or conviction (Proverbs 6).

Deut. 6:10–12 — warns Israel that once they live in houses they didn't build, drink from wells they didn't dig, and eat from vineyards they didn't plant, and are "full," the danger is forgetting the Lord.

• This step "nails us as Americans" — most people live in homes they didn't build, eat food they didn't grow, and eat out of fullness/abundance rather than hunger.
• God is not against blessing/prosperity — the text itself promises houses, food, and abundance as gifts from God. Nice homes, cars, and possessions aren't inherently wrong or "spoiled."
• Caution: don't confuse God's blessing with the American Dream. Someone can have the bigger house, nicer car, or yacht and be completely unblessed if their family and relationship with God are falling apart. True blessing shows up as peace, joy, love, and gentleness in the home — not material markers.
• Scripture ties blessing to obedience/pursuit of righteousness (referenced the Deuteronomy blessings/curses passage and the pattern seen across Joshua vs. Judges) — but this isn't a strict formula; God remains gracious even amid failure.

Practical Application: Enjoying Blessings "With Care" / Frugality

• Money has two purposes: to live, and to give — live more frugally (smaller home, older-but-nice car, lower payments) to free up margin for giving and to avoid overwork that outsources parenting to daycare/babysitters.
• Have a grateful heart as a discipline — actively resisting complaint over aging cars, food choices, etc., which the hosts frame as a subtle form of forgetting God.
• Practical family habit: praying before meals with genuine, unhurried gratitude rather than rote routine; teaching kids a thankfulness verse; verbally noting "isn't it amazing we get to eat like this?" as a repeated family phrase.
• How blessed are you? In your blessings, are you forgetting God?(e.g., packed schedules of travel/activities, expensive Christian schooling, but no family devotions, gratitude, or altar at home).