Overcoming a Struggling Marriage (Part 2): Abandon Criticism, Negativity, and Division

Ask most couples if their marriage is struggling and they'll say, "No… but we're really busy." Jobs, church, and a calendar full of the kids' sports, music lessons, and fine arts can leave husbands and wives passing in the hallway. Some couples simply land in a stagnant season.

In Episode 335, Dave and Bethlie Young continue their mini-series within the Overcoming series. They remind couples that it takes two to overcome a struggling marriage, and that the Christian's victory over the world comes through faith.

Episode Overview

After a quick review of last week's first two steps, the Youngs introduce the third step for overcoming a struggling marriage: Abandon. They're quick to clarify that this does not mean abandoning your spouse. It means letting go of three habits that quietly erode a Christian marriage.

In counseling, the Youngs often find that each spouse wants to be closer but sees the fault only in the other person. Dave points to the Lord's message to the lukewarm church of Laodicea. Things weren't well, though they thought they were, yet the Lord loved them and promised to help them overcome.

• Husbands speak words of affection, and wives speak words of affirmation.
• Both spouses speak gratitude, praise, and prayer.
• Dave recalls the Youngs' interview with Dr. Gary Thomas about making good marriages great.
• In a recent counseling session, a wife immediately attacked her husband's account instead of sharing her own. Dave's response: Stop that.
• Check-in question: What words of affection or affirmation did you speak on purpose this week?

• Seek to serve each other. Ask "What can I do for you?" instead of "What will my spouse do for me?"
• Seek to solve problems together. Be swift to hear and slow to speak, and learn to identify the real problem.
• Seek God together. Go to church, small groups, and Bible studies together, and above all, pray together to reconnect when you feel distant.

Abandon All Criticism

Scripture teaches that as a person thinks in their heart, so are they. When a husband constantly criticizes his wife, she begins to see herself that way and live that way. The same is true when a wife criticizes her husband. The Youngs note they see this same pattern in children raised by negative parents.

Bethlie adds that a husband who is constantly corrected for how he bathes or diapers the baby or shops for groceries will often just stop trying. That leaves the wife even more frustrated.

How to Address Real Issues Without Criticism

• Ask a favor. Try "Would you do this for me?" instead of sarcasm or eye-rolling.
• Accept that different isn't wrong. If the baby gets changed, go with it.
• Talk with curiosity. Ask, "Is that how your family did it?"
• Save corrections for things that truly matter, and let the rest go.
• Wives, watch the perfectionism. As Bethlie puts it, get off your "control girl high horse."

Abandon All Negative Statements

Sitcom-style sarcasm, like "You're such an idiot, ha ha," trained a generation to laugh at put-downs. In a real marriage, those words weaken and demolish.

Abandon Division

Anything that pulls you apart has to go. Dave points to Peter's call to "add to your faith." God works through addition and multiplication. Add to your marriage, and multiply your efforts: if your kind words didn't land last week, say them ten times more. Text them, email them, write them on the calendar, or tuck them in a lunchbox.

Picking up from the Overcoming Technology series, the Youngs warn that couples can sit on the same couch or lie in the same bed on separate devices and still be divided. Children's activities can divide families too.

Try this: Take your family out to eat, leave every phone in the car, and notice how hard conversation feels at first.

Sit down together and ask:

1. Do you feel like we are divided in any way?
2. What do you think we could do to improve that?

Part 3 continues next week with more on doing life together.

A struggling marriage doesn't have to become a doomed marriage. In Part 1 of Overcoming a Struggling Marriage, Dave and Bethlie share the first two of five biblical steps for turning a Christian marriage around, even in the busy years of raising children.

Step one is SPEAK. Husbands give words of affection, wives give words of affirmation, and both spouses offer gratitude, praise, and prayer. Step two is SEEK. That means seeking each other out, serving each other, solving problems together, and seeking God together, including a simple church-pew habit that protects your marriage.

The episode is practical, and a little funny (yes, the bedroom pillows come up). It's for every Christian family that wants more than "just hanging on."

Marriages struggle for many reasons:

• Busy seasons of work and raising young children
• Empty-nest adjustments after years centered on the kids
• Phones and screens pulling spouses into separate corners
• Deeper hurts, such as dishonesty or feeling uncared for

The first move is refusing the lie that struggle means the end.

Speech is one of God's greatest gifts to people. In a struggling marriage, couples tend to go silent, or they let loose unkind and unhelpful words. Dave points to Scripture's call to avoid corrupt communication and to build each other up. He also cites Solomon's warning in Proverbs that careless words can pierce like a sword.

Husbands: Speak Words of Affection

A wife needs to hear "I love you," and Dave suggests adding the word because: "I love you because…" That meets her heart's question: Am I loved enough?

Wives: Speak Words of Affirmation

A husband's heart asks: Do you respect me? Am I good enough? Bethlie challenges wives to resist the cultural habit of picking men apart, both at home, among friends, and on social media. She shares a testimony from the Seeking Him Bible study by Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth and Tim Grissom. In it, a wife repented of being controlling and critical, and her husband said her new encouragement let him thrive.

Both Spouses: Speak Gratitude, Praise, and Prayer

• Gratitude: Don't take a hardworking husband or a devoted wife for granted. Say thank you often.
• Praise: The praise you need should come from inside your home, not from strangers at the grocery store.
• Prayer: Pray for your spouse instead of growing bitter. Send a text that says, "I prayed for you today."

Bethlie shares a helpful principle attributed to Mrs. Graham: Take your praise to your husband, and take your complaints to the Lord.

Seek Each Other Out and Do Things Together

Put the phones down. Don't settle into separate rooms. Play board or card games, watch a movie, and laugh together. Don't let the world separate you.

Seek to Serve Each Other

Get the snack. Run the errand. Wipe down the sink. Learn how your spouse likes things done, even the order of the bed pillows, and turn small irritations into acts of service.

Seek to Solve Problems Together

Listen well, identify the real problem, give grace, and learn to let things go. (The Youngs' earlier conflict resolution series goes deeper on this.)

Seek God Together

Worship together, sit together in church, attend small groups and Sunday school together, and pray together. Bethlie shares advice from Pat and Susie Del Porto: don't let your children sit between you in church. Sitting shoulder to shoulder under the Word of God softens hearts and sweetens a marriage.