You're having the same fight over and over. Or you've stopped fighting altogether and you just go along with it to keep the peace. Either way, there's something going on that I call negative intimacy. It's not just that there's no intimacy. It's a vortex with a downward pull, full of anger, resentment, frustration and disconnection, and it shows up most in relationships that have been around for a while.

In this episode I talk about the 2 ways negative intimacy shows up, the endless fighting and the disappearing act, and what it costs you personally: your confidence, and your trust in what you want and what you feel. I also talk about why the strategies you've tried haven't worked. It's not a strategy problem. When you're waiting for your partner to change, or looking for the right way to say something so they react the right way, you're outsourcing your emotional safety.

This concept came up while I was coaching a client on his marriage, and I see it in so many of the relationships I coach through. We start with you. You put in a floor: this is where I am. Then you learn to create emotional safety for yourself, so you can get clear on what you need and ask for it. Maybe the relationship can support that and maybe it can't, but this is where we begin.

Key Takeaways:

Negative intimacy isn't the absence of intimacy. It's a void that pulls the intimacy out of the relationship.

It shows up as the same fight on repeat, or as people-pleasing and going along with it to keep the peace.

Intimacy is being seen, known, needed, enjoyed, appreciated and celebrated.

When you feel emotionally unsafe, you look for control, and you can't control what your partner thinks, feels or does.

Your emotional needs are real needs: love, belonging, connection, autonomy, purpose, safety and security.

Your partner can't meet needs you haven't named. You have to be the one who says what they are.

If you want support with this, a discovery call is a great place to start. It's a private conversation, you and me, about what's going on for you and how I can help. I'm also starting to offer small workshops with a maximum of 6 people. The first one is for anyone who has been cheated on, whether it happened today, 10 years ago or 20 years ago.

Links referenced in this episode:

https://amandahess.ca/bookacall

https://amandahess.ca/room

If you’re waiting to feel motivated before you change something, you’re going to be waiting forever. Ninety percent of what I do in my life, I don’t do because I’m motivated. I do it because I’ve decided.

In this episode I talk about why the thing you know is a good idea keeps getting pushed to “another day,” and why it has nothing to do with motivation. Doing something you’ve never done before is uncomfortable, even when it’s exactly what you want. That’s true whether it’s setting a boundary, having a hard conversation, doing something more regulating for yourself, or getting out in the world. I’ll teach you how to make decisions in advance so the discomfort doesn’t get to decide for you.

I use my own podcast as the example. My rule is that I record at least the day before an episode releases. If I waited until I felt like it, it would keep getting bumped down the road until release day, and then I’d be dragging it, procrastinating and not getting it out on time. So I decide ahead of time: the day, the time, the topic, the setup ready to go and time left to edit. There would not be 300-plus episodes of this show if I’d been waiting for motivation.

Key Takeaways:

You do not need motivation to change something in your life

Doing something new creates discomfort, even when it’s designed to give you what you want

“I wasn’t motivated” is usually the story we tell when the discomfort won

Deciding in advance means picking the day, the time and what you need in place

If you don’t plan it, you probably won’t do it

Making one decision ahead of time is a small concept with big results

What’s one thing you really wish you were doing right now? Decide when you’re going to start and what the first step is. Then come tell me about it. Send me a DM on Instagram at @theamandahess and let me know what stood out for you or what you’re struggling with. Let’s have a conversation about it.

Links referenced in this episode:

https://www.instagram.com/theamandahess

https://amandahess.ca

You went to couples counseling to fix things. You sat on the couch, you did the homework, maybe for years, and now you feel worse than when you started. On top of that, you’re more convinced than ever that you’re the problem. You’re not, and your marriage might not be doomed either. You may just need a different approach.

In this episode I talk about why traditional couples counseling so often leaves people depleted instead of connected. You walk in and complain about each other with the other person sitting right there, you argue in front of an expert, and every session starts with what’s wrong. I share my garden analogy: you can’t get a flower garden by pulling weeds forever, you have to plant flowers. Then I walk you through what I do with clients instead: getting regulated first, learning to deal with your own emotions, getting clear on your needs and your partner’s needs, seeing each other as whole, messy people, and separating what you’re responsible for from what they’re responsible for.

I also share my own entry point into coaching. I hired a marriage coach who never talked to my husband once, she’s never even met him, and we fixed what was going on in my marriage. My husband is still the same person. What changed was me: I learned to regulate, to deal with my own emotions, and to show up as his partner with boundaries in place. It didn’t just fix my marriage, it changed how I showed up with my kids, my dad and my friends too.

Key Takeaways:

Couples counseling often starts from blame, which keeps you both defensive and wounds instead of connects.

You can’t fix a relationship from depletion. If all you do is pull weeds, all you’ll ever see is weeds.

You can’t ask for what you want when you’re dysregulated, so regulation comes first.

No one person can meet all your needs, not your husband and not your wife.

You’re responsible for what you think, feel and do, and so is your partner.

Whether you stay or go, this is the foundation you make that decision from.

If you’ve tried couples counseling and it isn’t working, it’s not because there’s something wrong with you. The next best step is booking a discovery call. We’ll walk through what working side by side with me could look like for you and your relationship. And if you want more of this in your ears, my Stop Overthinking class runs every week.

Links referenced in this episode:

https://amandahess.ca/bookacall

https://amandahess.ca/overthink