Why looking “fine” can be the loneliest place to be.

Some of the freakiest people you’ll ever meet don’t stand out at all.

They blend in. They’re competent, reliable, polished. The ones everyone depends on.

And quietly, they’re barely holding it together.

In this solo follow-up episode, Tonya Kubo reflects on her recent conversation with Rachel Alexandria to explore the hidden cost of being the strong friend, the capable leader, the one who never seems to need help.

This episode is for the high performers who carry what Rachel calls “secret messes”—the overwhelm, anxiety, and emotional labor hidden behind competence and credibility. Tonya unpacks the difference between having it together and holding it together, why competence often becomes armor, and how looking fine can train people not to check on you.

If you’ve ever been praised for being “so put together” while quietly falling apart, this one is for you.

You’ll hear how:

1. Holding it together often looks exactly like having it together—until it doesn’t
2. Competence can become a coping mechanism, not a sign of stability
3. High performers are often invisible inside their own excellence
4. Hyper-responsibility is learned early and rewarded later (at a cost)
5. The strong friend rarely asks for help—and why that’s not a character flaw
6. You don’t have to collapse to deserve care
7. Making yourself easy to say no to can help others feel safe saying yes
8. One honest sentence can open the door to real support

1. 0:00 – 3:10 Holding it together vs. actually being okay
2. 3:11 – 6:45 The curse of competence and hiding in plain sight
3. 6:46 – 10:30 Why the “responsible one” rarely gets checked on
4. 10:31 – 14:50 Competence as armor, not stability
5. 14:51 – 19:20 Hyper-responsibility and growing up in emotional chaos
6. 19:21 – 23:40 Why strong friends wait for someone to notice (and why it rarely happens)
7. 23:41 – 27:30 “I need help” even when you don’t know what that help is
8. 27:31 – 32:10 Being easy to say no to as a path to real connection
9. 32:11 – 36:45 Gentle check-ins vs. pressure, pity, and forced intimacy
10. 36:46 – 41:00 You don’t have to fall apart to deserve support
11. 41:01 – 45:30 A simple practice for strong friends—and...

Why high performers can be the loneliest people in the room.

Some freaks are easy to spot.

Dyed hair. Tattoos. Bold opinions. Loud joy.

And then there are the freaks who look fine.

In this episode of Find Your Freaks, Tonya Kubo sits down with former psychotherapist turned soul medic Rachel Alexandria to talk about the hidden loneliness of high performers — the people who appear successful, capable, and unshakeable… while quietly unraveling inside.

Rachel works with executives, founders, and leaders who carry immense responsibility while suppressing their own humanity. Together, Tonya and Rachel explore why competence can become a mask, how perfectionism and people-pleasing are often survival strategies, and why asking for help feels so dangerous when everyone assumes you’re “the strong one.”

If you’ve ever felt invisible because you seem too capable to worry about — or if you love someone who looks like they have it all together — this conversation will help you see what’s really going on beneath the polish.

1. [04:15] Why high performers are often the most isolated people in the room
2. [08:42] The difference between having it together and holding it together
3. [13:30] How family dynamics and gaslighting disconnect us from our inner knowing
4. [18:55] Burnout, perfectionism, and people-pleasing as survival skills
5. [25:10] How perimenopause, ADHD, and long COVID complicate high achievement
6. [31:40] Why leaders can’t afford to “fall apart” — and what they do instead
7. [38:22] The hidden cost of excellence: “Other things suffered.”
8. [45:05] Why asking for help feels so inconvenient — and so necessary
9. [52:10] How to be a safe person for someone who looks like they don’t need help
10. [58:30] What to do if you’re the one silently struggling

Rachel explains that many high performers learned early that competence equals safety.

Being capable, polished, and self-sufficient became a way to survive — not a sign that they don’t need support.

When everyone assumes you’re fine, your pain goes unseen.

And when vulnerability feels risky, loneliness becomes the price of success.

“There is no gaining of a high level of skill or success without loss.”

In this episode, Tonya and Rachel unpack the uncomfortable truth that achievement always comes with tradeoffs — time, relationships, rest, or health. Burnout often happens when we try to pretend those costs don’t exist.

Slowing down, grieving what’s been lost, and choosing what matters most isn’t weakness.

It’s wisdom.

One of the most powerful moments in the conversation centers on this truth:

You don’t need to know how someone will help — only that you need help.

Rachel shares why trying to solve everything alone eventually stops working, and how naming “I don’t know what I need, but I can’t do this alone anymore” can open the door to real...

Everyone is in a rush to publish, to launch, to ship – to get something, anything, out into the world as fast as possible. But what if slowing down isn’t a liability? What if it’s actually your superpower?

In this solo episode, Tonya reflects on her conversation with book coach and ghostwriter Candice L. Davis to explore why craft matters now more than ever. In a world where AI churns out endless content and “quantity over quality” has become the norm, choosing depth is its own quiet act of rebellion.

This one’s for the writers, creators, builders, and beginners. Anyone trying to make meaningful work in a frantic world.

Tonya breaks down how thoughtful craft becomes an expression of care, why community accelerates mastery, and how taking the long road can help your people feel seen, valued, and held.

You’ll hear how:

• Craft is care, it’s how you show your people they matter
• Slowing down honors the work and the audience you’re making it for
• Depth beats velocity (and why rushing just adds to the noise)
• Community is the secret ingredient to better books, better ideas, and better outcomes
• “Pre-published” is still a real identity, you don’t have to wait to belong
• AI can speed things up, but it can’t give you context, nuance, or discernment
• Creating in public helps you refine the work while finding your perfect people
• Your pace and process might be your greatest rebellion in a culture obsessed with speed

• 2:38 – 5:22 The myth of the “Stephen King cabin fantasy”
• 11:56 – 15:02 Deadlines, urgency, and the fear of “running out of time”
• 18:21 – 21:12 A-plus vs. C-minus work: knowing what deserves your depth
• 24:41 – 28:30 Craft as hospitality (Mary’s studio) vs. craft as language (Candice’s work)
• 28:31 – 32:05 Owning your identity before you feel “ready”
• 32:06 – 35:30 Why beginners need community more than information
• 38:51 – 42:33 Creating in public without rushing the process

• Episode 12: Writing for Belonging, Not Algorithms with Candice L. Davis
• Nothing But the Words — Candice’s podcast
• CandiceLDavis.com
• Episode 10: Visibility Isn't Vanity with Mary Williams

Tonya Kubo is a community strategist, marketing consultant, and rebel with a cause: helping people find the place where they truly belong. For nearly two decades, she’s built online spaces that feel less like comment sections and more like chosen family. She’s the fixer you call when your Facebook group has gone straight-up Lord of the Flies and the bouncer at the door of internet nonsense. As the host of Find Your Freaks, Tonya brings together unconventional thinkers and bridge-builders who know “normal” was never the point. Her favorite spaces? The ones where the freak flags fly high.

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