In Episode 34 of What’s Your Damage?, AJ and AJ talk about loss—and the unexpected things that helped them survive it.

“A” begins with her junior year of high school. Until then, she had been a fairly average student who put very little effort into school. That changed when she met a teacher who inspired her to apply herself and recognized what she was capable of. For the first time, a teacher told her that she kicked ass and that he was proud of her.

Then, on Valentine’s Day, “A” arrived at school and learned that he had died suddenly on his 35th birthday. She was devastated. She went home to grieve, only to be yelled at by her father, leaving her without the support or space she needed to process the loss. Instead, she found comfort driving around alone and listening to Incubus’s Morning View, an album that gave her somewhere to place the grief she could not express at home.

“J” takes us back to 2007, when she had moved away with her husband and was juggling multiple jobs, school, wedding planning, and performing in shows. While studying, she escaped into Dancing with the Stars, allowing its glittery, dramatic world to provide a break from the pressure of her real life.

During this already overwhelming period, “J’s” sister died. Because her sister had also been her abuser, the loss brought an enormously complicated mix of emotions. There was grief for a young life ending, sadness for her family and her sister’s child, relief that she no longer had to fear or avoid her abuser. At the same time, her wedding was approaching, bringing moments of excitement alongside the grief.

Caught in an emotional roller coaster she did not know how to process, “J” coped by staying constantly busy and continuing to watch Dancing with the Stars.