In Episode 10, Kim opens Season Two by breaking down procrastination in a way most people have never heard it explained before.

This episode isn't about productivity, discipline, or time management. It's about emotional risk, fragile self-esteem, and the identities we built in childhood to survive.

Kim explains why procrastination shows up around the things that matter most. Big conversations. Creative work. Boundaries. Healing. Growth. And why avoidance isn't laziness. It's protection.

Drawing from attachment theory, trauma, neurobiology, and her own lived experience, Kim connects procrastination to emotional attunement, identity, shutdown, people-pleasing, catastrophizing, and the fear of inner collapse. She also explains why insight alone doesn't change behavior, and what actually has to shift for real movement to happen.

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Time Stamps & Topics

00:00 – Rage, triggers, and decades of stored emotional memory
00:25 – Why feeling misunderstood cuts so deeply
00:52 – Procrastination isn't about time management
01:22 – Emotional risk vs practical difficulty
01:50 – Personal example: writing a first book
02:29 – Procrastination around hard conversations
03:01 – Mistakes, shame, and fragile self-esteem
03:59 – Inner collapse and identity threat
05:04 – Why systems learn to avoid emotional danger

05:28 – What self-esteem actually is (and isn't)
05:51 – Self-esteem as emotional resilience
06:25 – Emotional attunement explained
06:44 – Empathy vs shared experience
07:37 – Why "they'll never understand me" isn't true
08:10 – Childhood emotional neglect and minimization
09:14 – Avoidant coping and jumping to solutions
09:57 – Why being sat with matters
10:27 – Religion, conflict avoidance, and emotional bypassing

11:30 – Biology of trauma and implicit memory
12:33 – Adoption, abandonment, and cognitive bias
13:46 – Anger as a lifelong trigger
14:52 – Suppression vs expression of emotion
15:41 – Coping mechanisms and shutdown
16:24 – Anxious vs avoidant responses in conflict
17:09 – Self-esteem and "what happens when something goes wrong"

18:28 – Catastrophizing and control
19:13 – Why anxiety feels protective
20:00 – Avoidance as nervous system safety
21:25 – Silence, minimization, and relational procrastination
23:14 – Childhood roles: good child, peacemaker, achiever
24:38 – Survival strategies vs self-esteem

25:27 – Relational procrastination and suppressed anger
26:25 – Waiting until you're angry to speak
27:08 – Walking on eggshells and staying silent
28:02 – Triggers as accumulated implicit memory
29:12 – Why your partner isn't the whole cause
30:07 – Shutdown as self-protection, not punishment

31:05 – Why insight doesn't change behavior
31:56 – Awareness without emotional capacity
32:23 – Cognitive vs behavioral change
33:11 – Reframing hard conversations
33:56 – Procrastination in personal growth and healing

35:02 – Childhood identities and family roles
36:16 – How family freezes you in old identities
37:35 – Why growth feels threatening
38:05 – Holding competing emotions about parents
39:22 – Letting go of old identities
40:05 – Why growth feels risky, not empowering

41:18 – What actually reduces procrastination
41:46 – Emotional regulation and self-trust
42:09 – Questions to ask yourself about avoidance
43:16 – Tasks that carry emotional weight
43:44 – Identity disruption and behavior change
44:31 – Alcohol, belonging, and identity shifts

44:58 – Pay attention to what you avoid
45:26 – What avoidance is protecting
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This episode is especially relevant if you feel stuck despite insight, avoid hard conversations, or keep postponing the things that matter most to you.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast

Welcome to "Engineering Love," a relationship podcast where Kim helps you build better connections by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution.

This episode highlights these questions:

Q1: How do I move to a more secure attachment style? How do I communicate with my avoidant partner?
Q2: How do I handle self-doubt and build confidence?
Q3: What are relationship tips for partners who both struggle with depression?

Kim's next virtual workshop: How to Manage Guilt & Shame. To register or watch the replay: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder

To work with me in an affordable way, join my private membership community where you'll get access to ALL past and current workshops, exclusive video Q&A not posted on social media, journal prompts, and live chats with me to address any other challenges you're working through. Sign up here: https://engineering-love.mn.co/spaces/11088591

Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108

Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108

Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder

Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/

Welcome to "Engineering Love," a relationship podcast where Kim helps you build better connections by troubleshooting communication and conflict resolution.

This episode highlights these questions:

Q1: My partner abused me for 8 years and says he has changed. How do I know the change is real?
Q2: My boyfriend and I go in cycles where he cheats, acts devastated when caught, we get back together, and then he does it again.
Q3: My father-in-law treated me horribly during my postpartum, and now I want to draw boundaries with him before our next child. How do I get my husband on board with this?

Kim's next virtual workshop: Healing Betrayals & Infidelity. To register or watch the replay: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder

Are you frustrated that therapy is too expensive or every therapist you pursue has a waiting list? Then come work with me in my private workshop community. In my live virtual workshops, I teach you tools for managing triggers, increasing self-esteem, and improving communication in your relationships! Register now to work with Kim in her live workshops: https://engineering-love.mn.co/share/gqt40jODluLg4kyp?utm_source=manual

Kim's website: https://beacons.ai/kimpolinder

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@kp_counseling108

Kim's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@kp_counseling108

Submit a question for the podcast: https://www.speakpipe.com/KimPolinder

Podcast website: https://www.engineeringlovepodcast.com/