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CPTB is a conversational, funny, and thoughtful take on this week's Bible readings — for preachers, church leaders, deconstructors, and curious listeners who still love scripture, even when they're not sure what to do with it. We explore the text with humor and theological depth, without certainty, outrage, or easy answers.

Jesus says he's the sheep gate. Then he says he's the shepherd. Confused yet?

Comedians Teresa Roberts Logan (@laughingredhead) and Zach Funk (@zachfunkyeah) join Bob and Eric to work through John 10:1–10, and the question that won't go away is: who decided the church gets to decide who's a thief? Teresa brings her full ex-vangelical energy to the table — the damage being done in Jesus' name, the easily-offended fortress-church culture she walked away from, and Van Gogh's sermon on being a stranger on the earth. Zach wonders whether everything outside the gate might just be different flocks. Bob makes the case that the sheepfold was never meant to be a bunker. Eric offers a sermon nobody asked for but everyone needed: the real danger isn't the thief outside — it's becoming one yourself.

Also: the mechanics of nailing your tongue to the roof of your mouth, a very small hammer, the disastrous children's sermon about recognizing your child's voice, and why you should never schedule bring-your-pet night right before dollar hot dog night.

John 10:1–10 (NRSVue)

"Very truly I tell you, anyone who does not enter the sheepfold by the gate but climbs in by another way is a thief and a bandit. The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep hear his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes ahead of them, and the sheep follow him because they know his voice. They will not follow a stranger, but they will run from him because they do not know the voice of strangers." Jesus used this figure of speech with them, but they did not understand what he was saying to them. So again Jesus said to them, "Very truly I tell you, I am the gate for the sheep. All who came before me are thieves and bandits, but the sheep did not listen to them. I am the gate. Whoever enters by me will be saved and will come in and go out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly."

Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer.

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Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds
Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster
Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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CPTB is a conversational, funny, and thoughtful take on this week's Bible readings — for preachers, church leaders, deconstructors, and curious listeners who still love scripture, even when they're not sure what to do with it. We explore the text with humor and theological depth, without certainty, outrage, or easy answers.

Abby Evans (@itsabbye) and Erick Williams (@comicaledubs) are back as Resident Comic Theologians for a Short Take on Luke 24 — the Road to Emmaus — and the room immediately clock what makes this story so deliciously strange: the Son of God spending several miles being briefed on his own death and resurrection, presumably holding in the cackle.

Expect:

• Mormon missionaries knocking on the wrong door (it's Jesus's house, and now you're an undocumented squatter)
• "God-splaining" as a legitimate Christological category
• Erick's reverse Masque of the Red Death read on the whole encounter
• A serious detour through what "inspired word of God" actually means for ELCA Lutherans, which somehow involves The Rose by Bette Midler
• Bob's digression transgression, and his failure to apologize for it
• Abby getting into sourdough

Notable tangent: The Blair Witch Project, the Dread Pirate Roberts, and the Waterboy's surprising film legacy.

"I'm not an ICE agent." — Jesus, probably

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Luke 24:13–35 (NRSVue)

[13] Now on that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem, [14] and talking with each other about all these things that had happened. [15] While they were talking and discussing, Jesus himself came near and went with them, [16] but their eyes were kept from recognizing him. [17] And he said to them, “What are you discussing with each other while you walk along?” They stood still, looking sad. [18] Then one of them, whose name was Cleopas, answered him, “Are you the only stranger in Jerusalem who does not know the things that have taken place there in these days?” [19] He asked them, “What things?” They replied, “The things about Jesus of Nazareth, who was a prophet mighty in deed and word before God and all the people, [20] and how our chief priests and leaders handed him over to be condemned to death and crucified him. [21] But we had hoped that he was the one to redeem Israel. Yes, and besides all this, it is now the third day since these things took place. [22] Moreover, some women of our group astounded us. They were at the tomb early this morning, [23] and when they did not find his body there they came back and told us that they had indeed seen a vision of angels who said that he was alive. [24] Some of those who were with us went to the tomb and found it just as the women had said, but they did not see him.” [25] Then he said to them, “Oh, how foolish you are and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have declared! [26] Was it not necessary that the Messiah should suffer these things and then enter into his gl

Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer.

Join the community!
Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com.
Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms.
More at linktr.ee/cptbpod

Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds
Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster
Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Send us Fan Mail

CPTB is a conversational, funny, and thoughtful take on this week's Bible readings — for preachers, church leaders, deconstructors, and curious listeners who still love scripture, even when they're not sure what to do with it. We explore the text with humor and theological depth, without certainty, outrage, or easy answers.

What does it take to convince someone they're going to hell? Apparently, a Billy Graham crusade, a youth retreat horror movie featuring a floating bloody head, or possibly just the right Konami code sequence entered on enough church crosses. This week Bob and Eric are joined by cartoonist-comedian Teresa Roberts Logan (@laughingredhead) and returning comic guest Zach Funk (@zachfunkyeah) to dig into John 20:19-31 — the appearance of the risen Jesus to the disciples, and the moment Thomas earns a nickname he'll never shake.

Expect:

• Thomas the Twin — twin of whom, exactly?
• Why you can't call him Diddy
• The Southern Baptist childhood-to-ex-vangelical pipeline, lived in full
• What the Christian comedy circuit looks like from the inside
• The Konami Code as soteriology
• Spiritual colorblindness as a framework for faith
• Bob's favorite original joke (the Pontiff's Pilot)
• Kenneth Copeland, Billy Graham, and the difference between American Jesus and Bible Jesus

Don't miss: Eric's sidebar on what happens when Lutherans over-spiritualize the gospel — with a very specific historical example.

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John 20:19–31 (NRSVue)

[19] When it was evening on that day, the first day of the week, and the doors were locked where the disciples were, for fear of the Jews, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” [20] After he said this, he showed them his hands and his side. Then the disciples rejoiced when they saw the Lord. [21] Jesus said to them again, “Peace be with you. As the Father has sent me, so I send you.” [22] When he had said this, he breathed on them and said to them, “Receive the Holy Spirit. [23] If you forgive the sins of any, they are forgiven them; if you retain the sins of any, they are retained.” [24] But Thomas (who was called the Twin), one of the twelve, was not with them when Jesus came. [25] So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see the mark of the nails in his hands and put my finger in the mark of the nails and my hand in his side, I will not believe.” [26] A week later his disciples were again in the house, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were shut, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” [27] Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here and see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it in my side. Do not doubt but believe.” [28] Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” [29] Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have come to believe.” [30] Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence

Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer.

Join the community!
Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com.
Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms.
More at linktr.ee/cptbpod

Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds
Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster
Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Send us Fan Mail

CPTB is a conversational, funny, and thoughtful take on this week's Bible readings — for preachers, church leaders, deconstructors, and curious listeners who still love scripture, even when they're not sure what to do with it. We explore the text with humor and theological depth, without certainty, outrage, or easy answers.

On this Short Take episode of Comedians with Pastors Talking Bible, it's Easter Sunday — and the tomb is empty, the guards have fainted, and Jesus is already ahead of you in Galilee.

Also, he's a little extra. He didn't have to show up to meet the women on their way to tell the disciples. Everything that needed to happen had already happened. He just wanted to.

This week we're asking: why is Easter harder to commodify than Christmas? Who sent the women to preach the gospel first — and what does that mean? What is a participation trophy, and did Jesus earn one? And why, if you've never been to a Holy Week service, is this the week to find one?

Also: Charles Dickens ruined Christmas. We have receipts.

Join Pastor Bob Schaefer, Pastor Eric Damon, and resident comic theologians Abby Evans (@itsabbye) and Erick Williams (@comicaledubs) for a Short Take that somehow ends with everyone going "yaaaay."

Matthew 28:1–10 (NRSVue)

[1] After the sabbath, as the first day of the week was dawning, Mary Magdalene and the other Mary went to see the tomb. [2] And suddenly there was a great earthquake, for an angel of the Lord, descending from heaven, came and rolled back the stone and sat on it. [3] His appearance was like lightning and his clothing white as snow. [4] For fear of him the guards shook and became like dead men. [5] But the angel said to the women, "Do not be afraid, for I know that you are looking for Jesus who was crucified. [6] He is not here, for he has been raised, as he said. Come, see the place where he lay. [7] Then go quickly and tell his disciples, 'He has been raised from the dead, and indeed he is going ahead of you to Galilee; there you will see him.' This is my message for you." [8] So they left the tomb quickly with fear and great joy and ran to tell his disciples. [9] Suddenly Jesus met them and said, "Greetings!" And they came to him, took hold of his feet, and worshiped him. [10] Then Jesus said to them, "Do not be afraid; go and tell my brothers and sisters to go to Galilee; there they will see me."

Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer.

Join the community!
Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com.
Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms.
More at linktr.ee/cptbpod

Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds
Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster
Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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Comedians with Pastors Talking Bible is where standup comedians and ELCA pastors sit down to discuss the week's lectionary readings—the same passages that preachers around the world will proclaim the following Sunday. It's theology, comedy, and irreverence in conversation.

This week: Palm Sunday—the reading that opens with triumph and closes with catastrophe. Pastor Bob sits down with returning guests Cassi Bruno (@cassi_dicci) and Lou Pastorius (@notorious_pastorius) to talk about what it means when Jesus enters Jerusalem looking like a king, then gets arrested. But here's where theology gets interesting: what if the cross is the triumph? What if God's idea of victory looks nothing like ours?

Expect: Heated debates about burning phone books and nerf balls with magnifying glasses. An extended ASMR tangent that somehow becomes theological. Bob explaining why he preaches the entire passion narrative as a play. And a closing theological flourish on the word "eucatastrophe"—a good catastrophic event. (Yes, someone needs to tell you what that means, and yes, it matters.)

Tangents: Mukbang. Misophonia. The psychology of childhood fire-starting. Jonathan Groff's theatrical spit.

"That is what triumph looks like—the cross, the grave, the stone rolled away."

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Matthew 21:1–11 (NRSVue)

[1] When they had come near Jerusalem and had reached Bethphage, at the Mount of Olives, Jesus sent two disciples, [2] saying to them, “Go into the village ahead of you, and immediately you will find a donkey tied and a colt with her; untie them and bring them to me. [3] If anyone says anything to you, just say this, ‘The Lord needs them.’ And he will send them immediately.” [4] This took place to fulfill what had been spoken through the prophet: [5] “Tell the daughter of Zion, Look, your king is coming to you, humble and mounted on a donkey, and on a colt, the foal of a donkey.” [6] The disciples went and did as Jesus had directed them; [7] they brought the donkey and the colt and put their cloaks on them, and he sat on them. [8] A very large crowd spread their cloaks on the road, and others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. [9] The crowds that went ahead of him and that followed were shouting, “Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is the one who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest heaven!” [10] When he entered Jerusalem, the whole city was in turmoil, asking, “Who is this?” [11] The crowds were saying, “This is the prophet Jesus from Nazareth in Galilee.”

Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer.

Join the community!
Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com.
Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms.
More at linktr.ee/cptbpod

Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds
Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster
Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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Every week, CPTB brings together Pittsburgh stand-up comedians and Lutheran pastors to read scripture from the Revised Common Lectionary — no prep, no filter, no guarantees.

Lazarus is dead. Four days dead. Stinky dead. Jesus knew it was coming, waited anyway, and now he's standing outside a sealed tomb asking people to roll the stone away. This is the most dramatic thing he's ever done — and he absolutely did not have to make it this dramatic.

Expect:

• A brand new format: the whistle interruption system, road-tested on 45 verses of John
• Why "this illness is for God's glory" is a theologically loaded thing to say out loud
• Thomas the Twin as ride-or-die disciple, rehabilitated at last
• The trauma of being asked to open a tomb you know smells terrible
• Jesus as vampire, per Abby Evans, and why she's not entirely wrong
• The difference between resuscitation and resurrection — and why it matters heading into Holy Week
• Eric refusing to wrap things up with good news, because it's Lent 5 and Holy Week is right there

Don't miss: Erick Williams on the short-sighted irony of plotting to kill a man who can raise the dead.

"He's not going to do a David Lynch TV show. He was not in a coma. He's dead." — Pastor Eric Damon

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John 11:1–45 (NRSVue)

This one's too long to fit in our episode notes - grab your Bible and look it up!

Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer.

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Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com.
Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms.
More at linktr.ee/cptbpod

Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds
Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster
Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

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This week, returning guests Cassi Bruno (@cassi_dicci) and Lou Pastorius (@notorious_pastorius) join Bob and Eric for John 9 — the man born blind — and nobody in the room sees it coming. Jesus makes mud in a way that polite people don't repeat in public. The Pharisees are certain they can see. The blind man ends up being the only one who actually does. And somewhere in the middle of all of it, a comedian accidentally preaches the sermon.

Expect:

• A very polite omission of how the mud was made
• The moment Bob realized he could NOT say what he was about to say
• Why Jesus may have healed on the Sabbath on purpose
• The dangerous history of the phrase "the Jews" in John's Gospel — and why it matters
• A room full of ADHD brains wrestling with the longest gospel reading of Lent
• Two kinds of blindness, and which one Jesus actually came to cure
• What happens when you wake up and the light is too bright to open your eyes all at once

Also featuring: Eric's tractor cliff story, Bob's 1994 Concordia College beanie, Jonathan Groff's spray zone, and a ghost tour where Bob was definitely the problem.

Pull quote: "If you know better, do better." — Lou Pastorius

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John 9:1–41 (NRSVue)

This one's too long to fit in our episode notes - grab your Bible and look it up!

Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer.

Join the community!
Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com.
Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms.
More at linktr.ee/cptbpod

Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds
Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster
Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.

Send us Fan Mail

CPTB is a conversational, funny, and thoughtful take on this week's Bible readings — for preachers, church leaders, deconstructors, and curious listeners who still love scripture, even when they're not sure what to do with it. We explore the text with humor and theological depth, without certainty, outrage, or easy answers.

On this Short Take episode of Comedians with Pastors Talking Bible, we tackle one of the longest Gospel readings in the lectionary — the Woman at the Well.

Jesus meets a stranger at a well, offers her living water, casually recites her entire romantic history, and redefines the nature of worship. She goes and tells everybody. The disciples are astonished that he talked to a woman. Classic Tuesday.

But underneath the length and the strangeness, there's something quietly remarkable happening: a woman with no credentials goes back to her city and says "come and see" — and it's enough.

Why does Jesus sound like he's dropping hints about being famous? What does living water have to do with Peter's drinking problem? And what would Jesus do at a Golden Corral?

"Wave like holy hell and get everybody's attention — then duck, so they see Jesus behind you."

Join Pastor Bob Schaefer, Pastor Eric Damon, and resident comic theologians Abby Evans (@itsabbye) and Erick Williams (@comicaledubs) for a Short Take that's sprawling, funny, and unexpectedly moving.

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John 4:5–42 (NRSVue)

[5] So he came to a Samaritan city called Sychar, near the plot of ground that Jacob had given to his son Joseph. [6] Jacob’s well was there, and Jesus, tired out by his journey, was sitting by the well. It was about noon. [7] A Samaritan woman came to draw water, and Jesus said to her, “Give me a drink.” [8] (His disciples had gone to the city to buy food.) [9] The Samaritan woman said to him, “How is it that you, a Jew, ask a drink of me, a woman of Samaria?” (Jews do not share things in common with Samaritans.) [10] Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink,’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water.” [11] The woman said to him, “Sir, you have no bucket, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water? [12] Are you greater than our ancestor Jacob, who gave us the well and with his sons and his flocks drank from it?” [13] Jesus said to her, “Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, [14] but those who drink of the water that I will give them will never be thirsty. The water that I will give will become in them a spring of water gushing up to eternal life.” [15] The woman said to him, “Sir, give me this water, so that I may never be thirsty or have to keep coming here to draw water.” [16] Jesus said to her, “Go, call your husband, and come back.” [17] The woman answered him, “I have no husband.” Jesus said to her, “You are right in saying, ‘I have no husband,’ [18] for you have had five husbands, and the one you have now is not your husband. Wh

Hosted by Pastor Eric Damon and Pastor Bob Schaefer.

Join the community!
Email us at cptbpod@gmail.com.
Find us at @cptbpod on most social media platforms.
More at linktr.ee/cptbpod

Music: Trickster by Phat Sounds
Free download: https://filmmusic.io/song/10864-trickster
Licensed under CC BY 4.0: https://filmmusic.io/standard-license

Scripture quotations are taken from the New Revised Standard Version Updated Edition. Copyright © 2021 National Council of Churches of Christ in the United States of America. Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide.