Robert Asprin’s classic fantasy series, now available in audio!

War is heck! Guido and Nunzio may not be the brightest bodyguards in the world - but they certainly are faithful. When Skeeve "the Great" asks them to join the army of Possiltum, the two thugs volunteer without question.... Except: Whose side are they on? Queen Hemlock's? The Mob's Fairy Godfather's? Skeeve's? The two baffled bodyguards barely have time to figure it all out - they've been handed government-issue crossbows, armored with leather skirts, and given combat orders by the dreaded drill sergeant Smiley! With war heroes like these...who needs enemies?

Combat Orders...

“...To deal with an armed opponent, however, is a different matter entirely! Fortunately, we have an expert with us to demonstrate how that is done! Guido! Front and center!"

"Me, Sergeant?" I blinks, as I had not expected to be called upon.

"That's right," the sergeant sez, showin' some extra teeth in his smile. "At the firing range you made a big point that only jerks have to kill people. Well, here's your chance to show everybody how to 'gentle' an enemy into submission when he's trying to kill you." 

Needless to say, I don't care for the sounds of this, but as I have been summoned, I have little choice but to step forward into the clear space bein' used for the demonstrations. My discomfort grows as the sergeant gestures to Corporal Whittle, who tosses him a short sword. That's right, a real short sword...with a point and sharpened edges. 

"What's with the sword, Sergeant?" I sez. 

"I said this was going to be a demonstration against an armed opponent," he grins. "What we're going to do is I'm going to try to kill you, and you're going to try to stop me without killing me." 

"....And if I don't?"

"Then I guess we'll have us a little 'training accident'...."