It’s been said many times that you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your relatives. I believed that to be true until, not long ago, I came across a shoe box in an antique store crammed with family portraits taken roughly a hundred years ago. The stall proprietor included an index card with the scribbled broadside: “Instant Ancestors!” It went on to say that with these pictures, you could conjure up a long-lost relative from God knows where, famous for such and such, and no one would be wiser. To be truthful, the idea appealed to my lop-sided, prurient sense of humor. Hence, I bought the box of photographs and began imagining the individual chronicles of these precious folks who had been relegated to the dustbin of history.

Of course, none of the characters I conjured are real, even remotely so. On the other hand, certain sayings and mannerisms flutter into the light of these tales from acquaintances in my past. Sorry about that—it’s just that I essentially went with zero impulse control in the stories that follow. I can’t be held responsible if they resurrect someone buried in the annals of your very own family. And should there be no real likeness to anyone you know, buried or alive, consider yourself one incredibly lucky individual.