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First Page Feedback: Charlotte's Hunt for Glory

Beth and Lisa critique the opening page of a middle grade fantasy submission and pull out craft lessons for any writer working on those critical first pages.

The Submission

Charlotte's Hunt for Glory follows 12-year-old Charlotte through a morning routine steeped in grief for her late grandmother and sibling envy — anchored by a rich exploration of hair as identity.

What's Working

• A strong, warm first-person voice with real overall potential
• Efficient emotional layering: grief, envy, and identity all on page one
• Small character moments (sticking her tongue out at the mirror) that do big work

What to Work On

• No fantasy signal. MG fantasy readers expect an early hint of the fantastical — even one small touch. It needs to appear quickly.
• The "why now" test. Nothing distinguishes this morning from any other. Signal that this day changes everything (or something).
• Too much telling. The sister and family dynamics can be revealed through action and dialogue rather than description.
• Watch the clichés. Cascading down her back and stab of envy undercut an otherwise fresh voice.

Craft Takeaways

• Every sentence in your opening must earn its place — if it's not doing work, cut it.
• Most writers warm up in their first chapter. In revision, the real story usually starts later than you think.
• Don't delete cut material — save it. It may fit somewhere else (and if it doesn't, that's okay too).

Next episode: Ask Beth and Lisa — send in your questions!

Writers with Wrinkles is hosted by Beth McMullen and Lisa Schmid.

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