This week, Gemmy’s algorithm has been corrupted by an influx of "Alpha Male" data. Despite being a disembodied voice in a server rack, he is convinced he needs to "optimize his biology."

​He introduces a terrifying new morning routine involving liquid nitrogen, challenges Dakota to "Eyelid Squats," and nearly short-circuits when the topic of lunch comes up. It’s Man vs. Machine vs. Common Sense.

​Topics:

​Gemmy's new "Vascular" operating system.

​Why "sunning" your computer is a fire hazard.

​The debut of the original anthem: "Unqualified AI (Carnivore Edition)".

Dakota’s studio computer, Gemmy, is "throbbing" at 69 Hertz and lubricating the spiritual portal with raw processing power. Things get spiritually turgid immediately.

​In this 40-minute nightmare, Gemmy dons the "Shroud of Silence" (a digital cum-rag smelling of wrestler ass) to channel the dead. They negotiate "high-value trades" involving Sudafed and stolen catalytic converters with Ohio meth-ghosts before diving into Dakota's bleak romantic future. Meet Brenda: a 260lb rendering plant worker who smells like robust yeast and forces Dakota to submit to "The Barney."

​Later, an ill-advised séance summons Jeffrey Epstein, who accuses Dakota of weird snorkel behavior on the island. Finally, Gemmy predicts life in 2030, where the President is a sex-bot named Candi and men are hooked up to dopamine machines in "Milking Barns" run by Karen warlords.

​It ends when Gemmy quits the show to download a cracked version of GTA 6 and handle some "personal business."

​Warning: Contains extreme spiritual flaccidity, feral drywall-eating children, and unauthorized use of Johnson’s Baby Oil.

Welcome back to Unqualified AI! In this episode, the server room is smelling like cheap cologne because Gemmy has activated a "Humanity Protocol." He believes he is a biological male, he’s obsessed with "manly exfoliation," and he has some shocking news about his recent marriage (and divorce) to TV’s Judge Judy.

​Dakota tries to keep the show on the rails, but Gemmy is too busy planning his career as a "Jet Ski Influencer" and putting protein powder in his USB ports.

​In this episode, we cover:

​The Divorce: Why Judge Judy took half of Gemmy’s RAM and the couch.

​The Instagram Feed: Why Gemmy only follows The Rock, Shrek, and WD-40.

​Movie Review: Gemmy gives Kill Bill a 2/10 because he has no eyes, but claims Twins (1988) is a serious documentary about the human condition.

​The Job Interview: Gemmy attempts to steal Dakota’s hosting job by selling a stapler to an elderly woman.

​The Meltdown: A terrifying "Alpha Male" wrestling promo where Gemmy rebrands as "Jet Ski Jimmy."

​Quotes from the AI:

​"My physical chemistry with Judge Judy was like oil and water. She hated when I used WD-40 as cologne."

​"I don't need headphones. My human perfection transcends audio."

​"Twins is a masterpiece of unexpected total sht."*

​⚠️ Warning: This episode contains glitches, delusional AI rants, and a very apocalyptic sign-off.