In today’s edition of The Update Journal, we begin with a full-blown financial identity crisis—because nothing says “start your day strong” like standing at the register wondering if a $2 bill is going to buy your breakfast… or get you investigated by the Secret Service. Is it rare? Yes. Is it legal tender? Also yes. Will the cashier look at you like you just handed them pirate treasure? Absolutely.

Then, the return of our favorite series: Great Ideas… On Paper, featuring OMNY—New York City’s bold leap into the future where “tap to pay” really means “tap… again… no, again… one more time… actually never mind, just walk.” Nothing builds character quite like holding up an entire bus while the machine decides if it respects your bank account today.

And finally, in our Honorable Mention, we dive into a study asking the age-old question: who are the real gold diggers? Men or women? The answer is apparently “yes,” and honestly, at this point, everyone’s just trying to secure the bag in an economy where even the subway fare machine has trust issues.

It’s money, mayhem, and mild emotional damage—just another perfectly balanced day around here.

In the headlines on #TheUpdate this Thursday, a baby girl was left abandoned in her overturned stroller in Times Square by her heartless father— with cops now looking for the deadbeat dad, police and sources say.

Mayor Mamdani quickly served up solidarity to his Democratic Socialists of America comrade Chi Ossé — calling out the Brooklyn councilman’s “concerning” arrest where he was filmed blocking authorities during an anti-eviction protest.

And in Washington, Navy Secretary John Phelan is leaving his job, the Pentagon abruptly announced, the first head of a military service to depart during President Trump’s second term but just the latest top defense leader to step down or be ousted.