Look, we know. Trump beat him to it. That doesn't mean we don't have a great episode this week. And besides, when the president does it, it's not a crime. Big shout out to Nixon for that one.

What do you do with a bunch of gay men that haven't called you back? Straight to jail. What if they were kind of rude to you on that one date? Believe it or not, jail. We help Matt Hayden Gone Girl every man that's ever even sorta kinda wronged him right to--you guessed it--jail.

I'm going to level with everyone--we were all going to a Christmas party after this and I had too many martinis to tell you exactly what happens during this episode. I know we said funny stuff during this episode, probably, but god help me if I can remember any of it. Adam Melvin definitely has a crime that involves pitting aquatic creatures together for sport, I think, and I'm as excited as all of you to find out what that means exactly. Jesus do I have a drinking problem? Zach Morin guest hosts for the first 15 minutes and I didn't know that until I went back to edit this episode. Eh, it's fine. It's the holidays.

Who says Robin Hood can't look like Ron Jeremy? We help JP Dexter plan out exactly how he'll use unguarded Door Dash orders to make the world a better place. Still from the rich, give to the hungry, maybe make a few dollars along the way. It's a Perfect Crime, people.

We've all thought about it. Just how would you steal John Stamos' hair? We help consult one of our baldest friends, Jason Fishman, on a plan to finally get away with this follicular heist.

On a very special episode of Perfect Crimes, we sit down to talk with Ethan Cannon about his legendary Boston comedy feud with Matt Jarvis, and how--wait, my GOD, is that Matt Jarvis' music?!

Just when Buckingham Palace thought it was safe to let its guard down, out of nowhere comes the Black Irish Republican Army, formed by two generals from two of England's greatest historical foes: Ireland and Ghana. Watch out for those "eggs," Charlie boy.

Nate Hilli is one of those rare geniuses that saves mankind from a great evil, much like Jonas Salk or Martin Luther King Jr. Instead of polio or racism though, it's dolphins.