Fresh off our half‑term adventures, what better moment to dive into the delightful strangeness that is the British education system.

Class might be out for summer back in the homeland, but here in London pupils will still be slogging away for weeks - dreaming of undercooked potatoes on pebbly beaches and EasyJet flights packed tighter than a Year 9 lunch queue headed to destinations with visible sunlight.

This week we’re joined by Emily Gann, an American teacher in British schools who helpfully explains what the acronym GCSE means.

Should A‑level results day be a national holiday, what is the right reaction when a small child asks for a "rubber", and why is everybody so obsessed with the details of school uniforms?

It turns out the old saying is true: you really do learn something new every day.

Brits fiercely gatekeep their language, which they haughtily named "English" after some of their people, and Americanization is hated almost as much as the invasive gray squirrel. Or grey squirrel?

Anyway, the process doesn't just go one way. The British are coming for your words and soon the internet will have us all talking like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins.

Today your hosts are joined by Ben Yagoda, author of the blog Not One Off Britishisms, which catalogues the ways in which British idioms are worming into American English. Fortunately this gives us a head start when leaning the lingo, even if it does occasionally leave us feeling gazumped (um, this doesn't makes sense - ed.)

Plus we go up the Arsenal with a sport update and cover the latest political intrigue as Matt and Mike don't correct some completely accurate information they gave out in the last episode.

Ben Yagoda is the author of Gobsmacked!: The British Invasion of American English and hosts the excellent podcast The Lives They're Living. His latest book is the novel Alias O. Henry.

His Not One off Britishisms blog is at: https://notoneoffbritishisms.com/

Google's Ngram viewer shows a surprising result in the red vs. grey squirrel match. You can see it here.

With the local elections coming up we're here to explain the UK's complicated political system, why it doesn't neatly map onto American politics and how to pronounce Plaid Cymru.

Plus all the hot and cold takes from the King's comedy tour of Washington.

Mike recounts a bank holiday encounter with farmer hawking raw milk out in the shires and Matt runs down his list of top fictional transatlantic couples, not all of which met a tragic end. Which fav of yours didn't make the list? Tell us here: colddarkmiserablepod@gmail.com

What's more British than a proper British holiday resort with proper British people eating proper British food, somewhere far away from Britain?

This week the hosts are joined by Matt's neighbour Max Geller, a Bostonian who explains how he found love on the campaign trail and how that eventually led to, uh, package holidays on the Mediterranean.

While Matt and Max each spent their recent holibobs with their famalams in one of those Great British foreign resorts, Mike didn't even leave the country and instead went on long walks around villages and rocky beaches. So of course under this nation's strange class rules, his vacation was posh.

Yes, British holidays can be an absolute minefield - particularly since, fellow Americans, you're expected to actually take those vacation days - but we're here to break it all down.

Chips with everything!

Your hosts tackle the wide world of British sport, from football (soccer) to snooker (pool, but much, much more difficult).

Will we ever make a proper footie fan out of Matt. And what's the right way to appreciate "the beautiful game"? Mike argues that all the British sports are basically just different versions of the American games you know and love. Go team!

Plus a mercifully brief update on what's going on the world, and why you should think twice before you take your Trader Joe's tote out of the house.

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Mike's latest work on the blood sport that is the current battle for the Republican Party can be found on BBC Sounds: https://www.bbc.co.uk/sounds/play/m002sf55

As the homeland goes to war once again, we pick over the state of the union and find it ... totally great, no problems, all good. Cheap eggs, too.

Really though, your hosts Matt and Mike play a quick game of two truths and a lie, and provide an urgent update for those of you with more than one passport.

Plus, is half of Royal Mail really stool and urine samples? We investigate. Because let's face it, nobody else is going to.

Get in touch: colddarkmiserablepod@gmail.com

Today we're on a journey from Chicago to LA, via Indiana and New York, but as we know, all roads lead to ... Yorkshire.

Actor, Windy City native and improv scene veteran Derek Miller tells us about winning money off of Green Day, finding love on the high seas, Tim Burton's strangely normal affect and how he ended up being the only American in the village.

Derek shares his thoughts on the UK comedy scene and how he landed a gig playing himself on current affairs television.

Plus in news corner we ask why the Epstein scandal is claiming scalps in Britain but seems to have left all the powerful people back home completely untouched. Weird, huh?

We're making a list of who we should have on next. Get in touch: colddarkmiserablepod@gmail.com

And read more about Derek here: https://www.imdb.com/name/nm2479885/bio/

Was our good friend Tom Cruise forced from London by a smash-and-grab robbery, the relentless rain, or anti-Scientology villagers?

Matt and Mike take on an impossible mission: decoding the sourcing in a story that has enthralled the tabloid press.

In other news, we find that a Proud Boy punk plans to tour the UK later this month.

Plus practical updates: on Indefinite Leave to Remain, which banks actually accept American customers, and what are the British equivalents of Venmo, Craigslist and Depop?

Finally, should the politics be confined to our theme tune? Let us know: colddarkmiserablepod@gmail.com

Read more on the Misfit Proud Boy: https://thedayofreckoning.substack.com/p/exclusive-proud-boy-punk-who-was

And on Tom Cruise: https://www.standard.co.uk/news/london/met-police-tom-cruise-knightsbridge-flat-rolex-robbery-london-b1269206.html