It’s a Scullion Thing – Margaret and the Pea

A Tale of One Nose, One Pea, and Zero Common Sense

This week on It’s a Scullion Thing, I thought we’d take a gentler approach… because for the first time, we’re telling a solo Scullion girl story.

The Scullion girls, as legend goes, were good Catholic girls. They didn’t hijack the ‘RA, hotwire a car, or steal the Sunday roast. They were angels.

If you believe that, you’ll believe anything. Truth is, they were just better at not getting caught.

This episode stars a young Margaret Scullion — though I’m pretty sure she wishes it didn’t. She’s married now, changed her name… but trust me, we know who she is.

Margaret was the arty one. Stylish. Creative. Smelled of Impulse body spray (most days). If TikTok had existed in the ‘70s, she’d have been an influencer. Sadly, the only “TikTok” in our house was the electric meter eating the last 50p — which may or may not have been on a string so we could reuse it.

While most Scullion stories start with a crime, this one starts with… a smell. A serious, room-clearing pong. Granny Bridie bleached everything, even the ceilings, trying to track it down.

But it wasn’t under the floorboards — it was coming from Margaret.

She couldn’t smell it herself, which was the problem. Her siblings started shoving her off the sofa. She bathed till she looked like a skinless chicken. Even tried bleach (it was the ‘70s — health and safety didn’t exist). Still, the smell stayed.

Eventually, her brother Seamus “Rebel Without a Clue” Scullion went full bloodhound. When he sniffed her face, he leapt back like he’d found a body. The smell was coming from her nose.

Granny Bridie grabbed her, tilted her head back, and there it was — green, fluffy, sprouting roots.

It was a pea. A rock-hard marrowfat pea, the kind Northerners refuse to soften with the dreaded salt tablet. (Side note: once, a southern boyfriend “helpfully” added one to Granny’s peas… and nearly didn’t live to tell the tale. Moral? Never mess with a Scullion’s food.)

Back at the main plot, Margaret was carted off to A&E. Nurses gagged. The doctor fetched medieval salad tongs. After much digging — and one nurse fainting — the offending vegetable was removed.

To this day, no one knows why Margaret shoved that pea up her nose. Not even Margaret.

But we do know this:

• Margaret’s sinuses can grow vegetables.
• Northern peas are hard.
• Southerners are soft.
• The Scullion girls were absolutely not angels.

Why Listen?

If you love dark Irish humour, chaotic Belfast family tales, and stories that start small but spiral into full absurdity, this one’s for you.

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