Couverture de When Survival Becomes Identity: What Your Nervous System Is Trying to Tell You

When Survival Becomes Identity: What Your Nervous System Is Trying to Tell You

When Survival Becomes Identity: What Your Nervous System Is Trying to Tell You

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 There's a reason certain women are always described as strong. We're the ones who don't fall apart. We keep going when things get hard. We don't make our needs visible. And over time, that behavior gets rewarded—people rely on us, trust us, lean on us. But here's what almost no one talks about: When strength becomes the thing people expect from you, your nervous system never gets the message that it's safe to stand down. I'm Hannah, and in this episode, I want to talk about what that does to a woman—what that does to YOU—especially as a mom carrying more than most people will ever see. Follow us on Instagram @strongherside for daily encouragement and real talk for special needs mamas. And download our FREE "Planning Your Year with Purpose" workbook—created for mums like us, not Navy SEALs! Find the link right here. Because strength isn't just a personality trait. It's a biological response. Your body releases stress hormones to help you cope, to problem-solve, to survive moments of pressure. That's healthy in short bursts. But when life keeps asking more—the appointments, the advocacy, the emotional labor, the uncertainty, the heavy responsibility—our system adapts. It stops cycling back to rest. And when that happens, something subtle but dangerous occurs: Coping becomes normal. And when coping becomes normal, you stop noticing how much of yourself you're giving away. This matters because women don't usually burn out loudly. We burn out quietly. We keep showing up, keep functioning, keep being "fine." But on the inside, we might feel emotionally flat, disconnected from joy, exhausted in a way that sleep doesn't fix. I'm not speaking from theory alone. I live this. I have a son with special needs. I'm constantly dealing with systems, navigating his unpredictable behavior and resistance. Getting out the door most days is a struggle. When we're out, I'm quietly calculating: How long is this going to last before I need to go home? How long before he's done and our family plans fall apart at the seams? As a mother navigating a child with additional needs, I try to anticipate needs before they arise—just like you do. You're managing everybody else's emotional safety, trying to hold it all together while you've got this clenching inside your stomach, this knot where you're holding your breath, hoping it's all going to work out just this once. If you're listening thinking, "Yep, that's me," I want you to hear what comes next really carefully: You were never meant to be this strong. Strength was meant to rise in moments of necessity and then soften when safety returned. But for many of us—especially special needs mamas—safety never fully arrives. So strength stays. And when strength stays too long, it stops being supportive and becomes exhausting. Here's the trap: The world starts to know you as the reliable one, the capable one, the strong one, the resilient one. And slowly, often without realizing it, you stop asking for what you need. Not because you don't need it, but because you've learned not to expect it. That's when survival becomes identity. And identity is very hard to outgrow. This is where you tell the truth about how you're truly coping. Because sometimes we live masked. Sometimes it's easier to stay on autopilot because taking a breath and actually reflecting on how we feel is harder. Strength is not who you are—it's how you've responded. And responses can change. You are not meant to live in permanent readiness. You're not meant to organize your life around endurance. You're not meant to be applauded for how much you can carry. Your next chapter doesn't require more strength. It requires more safety. When the nervous system feels safe, creativity returns. Presence returns. Joy returns. Your sense of feeling connected to who you are and to those around you returns. This isn't about doing less—it's about doing what's sustainable. Because no woman thrives in survival mode, no matter how capable you've become. So let me ask you gently: Where in your life are you being strong out of habit, when what you actually need is support? Not rescue. Not collapse. Support. Because support doesn't make you weak—it makes growth possible. If nothing changes, this is the cost: You don't fall apart. You fade. And fading is harder to notice than breaking. Let me say this clearly: You don't owe the world your exhaustion. You don't owe your children your depletion. You don't owe anyone proof of how much you can endure. What your family needs most is not your survival—it's your presence. If something's stirring in you right now—not panic, not pressure, but recognition—that's not random. That's the part of you that knows this season is asking for something different. You don't need to fix yourself. You don't need to wait for everything to fall apart. This isn't a breakdown. It's a becoming. An invitation to stop organizing your life around coping and start building it around truth. You ...
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