In Episode 5, Kim answers listener questions about boundaries in family and romantic relationships, people-pleasing, guilt, and the emotional fallout of avoiding conflict.

This episode breaks down why boundaries feel so threatening for people pleasers, how guilt gets wired into saying no, and why resentment is often the first signal that a boundary is needed. Kim walks through boundaries not as rules or ultimatums, but as a skill rooted in self-trust, emotional awareness, and realistic expectations of others.

Topics include navigating estranged family relationships without becoming the go-between, understanding micro-violence and triggers in couples conflict, and learning how to tolerate disappointment in others without collapsing into guilt or self-abandonment.

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Time Stamps & Topics

00:00 – Listener questions preview
• Managing estranged family relationships
• Boundaries in romantic relationships and micro-violence
• People-pleasing and guilt

00:39 – Why boundaries are a people pleaser's worst nightmare
01:13 – The subconscious purpose of not setting boundaries
01:36 – How people-pleasing keeps peace and avoids abandonment
02:05 – Why new behaviors must outweigh old coping strategies
02:35 – Core beliefs that block boundary-setting
03:00 – Guilt, conditioning, and fear of punishment
03:25 – Assertiveness vs deeper self-worth beliefs

03:57 – Knowing what you want before setting boundaries
04:22 – Resentment as a boundary litmus test
05:02 – How resentment poisons relationships over time

05:56 – Question 1: Being stuck between estranged family members
06:44 – The role of the middle person and hidden costs
07:08 – Deciding your limits as a go-between
07:50 – Why it's not your job to repair others' relationships
08:15 – Identity, value, and being needed
08:51 – Unfinished business and personal resentment
09:44 – Letting adults carry their own accountability
10:30 – Practicing and enforcing family boundaries

11:05 – Question 2: Boundaries and micro-violence in a relationship
11:30 – Focusing on triggers instead of rules
12:23 – Projections vs transference in conflict
13:15 – Childhood patterns and learned communication
13:57 – Empathy as the antidote to escalation
14:54 – Unprocessed trauma and volatility

15:48 – Question 3: People-pleasing and guilt after setting boundaries
16:44 – Why guilt assumes others don't care about you
17:29 – Learning to tolerate disappointment
17:53 – Challenging irrational inner dialogue
18:43 – Fear of rejection and early abandonment
19:38 – Re-orienting to the present instead of childhood fear
20:28 – Receiving love without earning it
21:43 – Letting evidence of support rewire old beliefs
22:13 – Why boundaries feel harder before they feel easier

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This episode is especially relevant if you struggle with guilt after saying no, feel responsible for keeping the peace, or notice resentment building in your relationships.

Kim's website: https://www.kimpolinder.com/

Kim's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/kp_counseling/

Kim's YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@engineeringlovepodcast