When things don't go the way we want them to, our natural response is to try to find someone to blame. It makes us feel better about ourselves, and maybe even our circumstances, if we can find someone else to be at fault for whatever situation we find ourselves in. Pointing fingers and blaming may help us feel better about ourselves, but it can be very hurtful to the person who is receiving the blame. The trust and respect that should be one of the foundations of our relationships can start to crumble when we get in a habit of assigning fault. So how do I recognize when I'm playing the blame game? And how do break this harmful habit of accusing and blaming?

"If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all." Many of us grew up hearing this phrase, usually with the purpose of teaching us not to insult others or gossip behind their backs. However, sometimes choosing not to say anything, not to use our words and communicate, can actually be more hurtful than sharing what's on our hearts. My silence can end up causing anxiety and frustration in my relationships. So how do I recognize the kind of impact my refusal to engage is having on the people I'm connected to? And how do I break the habit of playing the quiet game in my relationships?

While guilt can sometimes be a good motivator, it is also often used as a weapon, especially in relationships. We put people on guilt trips to manipulate feelings and make them do or not do what we want. Sometimes we don't even realize we're using guilt as a weapon in our relationships until enough damage has been done, and we see the hurt we've caused. No one wins when we play the "guilt game," so how do I break the habit of using guilt to get my way? What are some signs I need to look for to see if I'm hurting my relationships with guilt?

Comparison is such a common part of our daily interactions. We compare prices on items we want to buy. We compare the food we eat at different restaurants. We compare our music tastes to those of others. We find all sorts of ways (sometimes without even thinking about it) to compare what someone else has to what we have. Comparison can sometimes be harmless, but it can also be dangerous, especially when it comes to relationships. When we start to play the "comparison game" with our friends or spouses or dating partners, we can end up causing a lot of damage. So how do I know what the comparison game looks like? And how do I keep comparison from hurting my relationships?

It’s common for people to “play games” in certain relationships. We make choices and say things in order to win the argument or get things to go our way, and at the same time we end up undermining trust and respect with that other person. At Flagstone for the month of February, we are going to take an honest look at the games people play in relationships and discover how we can truly “win” by making our different connections the healthiest they can be.

When our glasses are dirty and scratched or when our contacts have debris on them, it impacts the way we see and perceive the world around us. We might be able to see something in front of us, but we may not see it clearly or be able to recognize what it really is. In the same way, our perception of other people, or even ourselves, can be clouded. We don't see things the way we should. We rely on superficial things, negative character traits, past failures, and hurtful comments to determine how we view ourselves or how we view others. Why is it that I sometimes have a cluttered perception of myself or other people? How do I clean out the clutter keeps me from truly seeing things the way God wants me to?

We all have lots of different things to which we give our attention, our effort, our time, even our finances. And most of the time the things that dominate our schedules and our list of priorities aren't necessarily bad in and of themselves. There's nothing wrong with advancing our careers or setting and accomplishing goals or having nice possessions. But what about when I become more passionate about pursuing those things than I am about pursuing God? What do I do when something besides God begins to own my heart?

Many of us have allowed ourselves to accumulate a lot of junk. Not old clothes or broken toys or containers of random bolts and electrical cords, but we accumulate addictions and criticisms and debt and various anxieties. We hold onto thoughts and habits and even relationships that are unhealthy or hurtful, and they end up clogging up our minds and our hearts and keep us from freely experiencing the life God wants to carve out for us. We invite you to join us at Flagstone as we begin the new year identifying some of the clutter we’re holding onto and discovering how to clean it out and experience a more uncluttered life.