Épisodes

  • I Seemed Like a GOOD GUY. I WASN’T. (My Lying Created a Monster)

    I Seemed Like a GOOD GUY. I WASN’T. (My Lying Created a Monster)
    Jan 26 2026
    The "Good Guy" act was the very thing making me a monster. In this episode, Jay and Lori discuss the "reckoning" that happens when an addict finally stops managing their image. For years, Jay tried to convince himself and everyone else that he was just a "guy who liked porn", but the reality was much darker. We discuss: The "Monster" Paradox: How the effort to not look like a monster is actually what makes you one. Physical Destruction: The moment Jay realized his stress was causing Lori's body to shut down—leading to early menopause and her hair turning white. The Permanent Limp: Why time does not heal all wounds, and why some parts of a marriage may never reach "100% repair." No More Escape Routes: The "preponderance of evidence" that finally forced Jay to own the depth of the damage. "I would much rather be misunderstood and have a tomorrow, than do all the crap I was doing at that point." -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
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    16 min
  • Soft Accountability Didn’t Work (And I Liked It) – 6.17S

    Soft Accountability Didn’t Work (And I Liked It) – 6.17S
    Jan 12 2026
    I used to go to meetings where we spent 5 minutes on sobriety and 55 minutes shooting the breeze. The truth? I liked it that way. In this video, we expose the 'Good Old Boy' network and why comfort is the enemy of real change. In this episode, Jay and Lori dive into the "soft accountability" trap that many men fall into. Jay confesses how he used to whitewash his relapses and how his accountability partners—including a church leader—failed to challenge him because they were struggling themselves. We discuss the "Good Old Boy Network" in recovery and why "nothing but grace" can actually be a form of enabling. In this video, we cover: - Why "passive accountability" is often worse than no accountability at all. - The "24-Hour Rule": Why Jay requires addicts to tell their wives about slips within 24 hours. - Why sobriety breeds sobriety and the importance of a mentor with long-term freedom. - The role of the church in addressing addiction and domestic abuse. Question for the comments: For Wives: What does real accountability look like to you in your husband's recovery? For Addicts: What could a mentor have said that would have finally "pierced the fog" for you? -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #marriagerecovery #pornaddictionhelp #healingrelationships
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    19 min
  • Just Different Levels of Enemies (The Mindset That Kept Him Using)

    Just Different Levels of Enemies (The Mindset That Kept Him Using)
    Dec 29 2025
    After 28 years, I finally understand the mind-pretzel logic that kept my husband stuck in addiction: "Everyone leaves because I'm fundamentally broken, so I might as well use porn. But you're NOT allowed to point out my brokenness, or YOU'RE the bad one." In this episode, we break down Jay's Plan A, B, and C - and why he never planned for the one where I could agree with him about his flaws without him exploding or expecting me to leave. The revelation that changed everything for me: Jay didn't see me as his wife. He saw me as just another level of enemy - closer than most, but still someone who would eventually use ammunition against him. This explains why it was easier for him to let me file for divorce than to let me point out a single flaw. His ego couldn't handle being seen, even by someone who loved him. For the wives watching: If you've tried the "compliment-concern-commitment" approach perfectly for months and he still attacks you, you're not crazy. He might just like to fight. Try it for six months like I did, then trust what you see. For the men watching: If you're stuck in "everyone's against me" thinking, this video shows you how to find actually trustworthy people and build real vulnerability instead of keeping everyone at arm's length as potential threats. Preemptive victimhood doesn't make you the victim. It turns you into the perpetrator. Episode referenced: "She's the Enemy" (December 15th) What we cover: -Why "thank you" wasn't enough (but "this hurts me" was too much) -The narcissistic response to having flaws pointed out -How the Three C's approach worked (and when it didn't) -"Different levels of enemies" - the mindset that blocks real connection -The college friend Jay screamed at for 2 hours -How to test if someone is actually trustworthy -Why strong emotions from your wife mean she loves you, not hates you Timestamps 00:00 Cold Open: Preemptive Victimhood Made Him the Perpetrator 00:37 The Mind-Pretzel: I'm Broken But You Can't Say It 02:44 Plan A, B, C: He Never Expected Me to Agree 04:43 Easier for Me to Leave Than for His Ego to Break 06:47 I Tried the Three C's Perfectly for Six Months (He Still Attacked) 09:43 Everybody's Different (Learning to Trust Again) 10:47 Just Different Levels of Enemies (No Real Friends) 12:03 How to Find People Who Are Actually Trustworthy 13:54 When Victimhood Turns You Into the Abuser -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
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    15 min
  • She’s the ENEMY (and I’M AN ABUSER so I dominated her)

    She’s the ENEMY (and I’M AN ABUSER so I dominated her)
    Dec 15 2025
    "The one I thought you were gonna say is: she's the enemy." For years, Jay didn't just lie to me about his addiction. He lied to himself about WHO I was. And those lies kept him stuck in porn for decades. The 5 lies addicts believe about their wives: She's the enemy - Anyone who sees a crack in the mask must be stopped and hushed She's gonna leave anyway - So why bother trying? Might as well do whatever I want She doesn't care about me - I'm not that important to her (justification to use) She's too angry to handle the truth - When really, he feared rejection and being alone She won't meet my expectations - Unspoken demands that turn into resentment and reasons to look elsewhere The shocking part? Jay admits: "I am an abuser, and abusers dominate. And that's what I did." He made me easy to dominate. He sufficiently shut me up. He turned me from a mirror (reflecting his behavior) into a shield (protecting him from truth). Why this matters: These beliefs aren't about you - they're about attachment issues and fear Most addicts don't even know they believe these lies The goal was never sex - it was avoiding being truly known Without consistent boundaries, addicts will keep crossing lines For partners: If he sees you as the enemy for pointing out flaws, if he believes you'll leave no matter what, if he resents you for not meeting unspoken expectations - these are the lies keeping him stuck. For addicts: Your wife could have made recovery so much easier. But your false beliefs about her became your excuse to keep using. The truth? You should have taken your needs to God, not porn. What lie did your addict believe about you? Comment below. CHAPTERS 00:00 Cold Open: "She's the Enemy" 00:31 Intro: The Lies Addicts Tell Themselves 00:51 Belief #1: You're Gonna Leave Anyway 02:20 Belief #2: She's the Enemy 03:52 Did You See Me as Too Weak or Too Angry? 06:12 The Pride and Shame Paradox 08:33 Did You Need Me or Did I Need to Fix You? 10:18 Hot Take: I'm Sick of "Power Over" People 10:29 Were You Sure I'd Never Leave? 10:42 Mirror or Shield? (How He Shut Me Up) 11:47 TRUTH: I Am an Abuser - Addicts Dominate 12:03 Did Fear of Losing Me Compete With Certainty? 13:21 It's Not About You - It's Attachment Issues 14:05 My Rock or My Reason to Use Porn? 15:31 The Truth: Unspoken Expectations Breed Resentment 16:37 What Should My Role Have Been? 17:07 The Importance of Consistent Boundaries 18:41 Questions for Viewers -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
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    19 min
  • How I FAKED RECOVERY (My PURPOSE in life is to BE ENTERTAINED)

    How I FAKED RECOVERY (My PURPOSE in life is to BE ENTERTAINED)
    Dec 2 2025
    How did Jay pretend to change when he really hadn't? In this episode, Lori asks 11 HARD QUESTIONS to uncover the difference between performing recovery and experiencing true, internal transformation. Jay answers honestly about the exhausting cycle of surface-level change: • REHEARSING the "right" answers just to get Lori "off his back" and his prayers becoming "robotic". • How he engaged in "SPIRITUAL OLYMPICS” to throw everyone off—including himself. • The SHOCKING moment a coach uncovered his core, entitled belief about his PURPOSE IN LIFE. • The "Armchair Meeting of Needs" tactic he used in order to think he had changed. • How he traded his shovel for a "backhoe" to finally GO DEEPER INTO TRANSFORMATION. This episode is a must-watch for anyone struggling to BREAK THE CYCLE where one partner performs change without true, internal motivation. Timestamps 00:00 Rehearsed Answers & Entertainment Confession 00:40 How Did You Pretend to Change? 01:26 Were You Really Close to God? 02:26 What Signs Did You Perform? 05:52 Did You Rehearse Answers to Get Me Off Your Back? 07:27 What Made You Feel Proud (But Wasn't Real)? 08:28 Armchair Meeting of Needs 09:03 Were Recovery Efforts Just Buying Time? 10:05 How Did You Hide That Change Wasn't Internal? 10:53 What If Someone Had Taught You Real Tools? 12:53 What Were You Unwilling to Give Up? 13:50 "My Purpose Is to Be Entertained" 15:07 Did Pretending Become More Exhausting? 16:48 Did You Know You Weren't Really Changing? 19:29 What Would You Have Said If Honest? 22:15 Questions for Viewers + Next Episode -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice #spiritualbypassing #recoverytools #copingmechanisms
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    23 min
  • I Had to Shut Her Up to KEEP LYING (addiction HARDENED MY HEART)

    I Had to Shut Her Up to KEEP LYING (addiction HARDENED MY HEART)
    Nov 17 2025
    I have that photograph of Christmas. That kid saw so many possibilities. I think he would've looked at me and said: wait, you're 38 years older than me and you're still doing the same stuff I'm doing? That sucks." This might be the most heartbreaking conversation we've ever recorded. Jay looks back at 11 moments when his heart hardened - and the younger version of himself that got left behind. What you'll discover: • The progression: soft → hard → soft → really hard (how hearts harden and soften over years) • "I had to shut myself down to what lying was doing to her" (the only way to keep lying) • When spiritual language disguises emotional death ("I'm at peace" but couldn't define peace) • The situations that should have broken him but didn't (grandfather's death, divorce, losing his career) • "He had sufficiently shut me up" (how addicts train themselves to stop reacting to pain) • Why his internal world became "really tiny" (addiction closes you down to just the screen) • Narcotics Anonymous Step 3: "We no longer have a conscience" (aggressively pursuing what we want) • The younger self question that gutted him (what would that hopeful kid think?) For partners: This explains why he seems emotionally flat, why your pain doesn't register, why spiritual words feel hollow. You're watching someone whose heart has hardened layer by layer. For addicts: Can you see it happening? The pattern of harden → soften → harden deeper? The moments you chose impulse over conscience? The kid you used to be is still in there. Plus: The difference between acceptance and resignation (one has peace, the other has anger and self-pity). CHAPTERS 00:00 Intro: Powerful clips (younger self, shut her up, no conscience) 01:23 Can you see your heart hardening over the years? 02:41 Did your heart harden spiritually, not just toward me? 03:22 What led you back to porn after 6 months sober in college? 04:51 Beyond anxiety - what other feelings drove you back? 05:09 When did your emotional responses become muted or automatic? 05:45 "I should be feeling something right now, but I don't" 07:43 Did you interpret numbness as maturity or strength? 08:11 How did you train yourself to stop reacting to my pain? 09:39 What situations should have broken you but didn't? 10:45 Did spiritual language disguise your emotional hardening? 12:32 Did your internal world feel smaller and flatter over time? 13:11 When God told you to stop, you consciously chose your own way 15:48 What would your younger self think of who you became? 17:26 Question for viewers: Have you watched someone grow cold? -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
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    9 min
  • When She Stops Crying it SCARES ME MORE (how I REALLY felt when she cried)

    When She Stops Crying it SCARES ME MORE (how I REALLY felt when she cried)
    Nov 3 2025
    The opposite of love is something OTHER THAN HATE. And when Lori stopped crying? That's when Jay finally got scared. In this raw 26-minute conversation, Lori ask Jay 12 Questions about what really went through his mind when he saw her crying over his betrayal. His answers reveal the uncomfortable truth about damaged empathy, hardened hearts, and why Lori’s silence terrified him MORE than her tears ever did. They also cover what EMOTINAL MATURITY is… and isn’t. What you'll discover: • What Jay felt in his body the first time he saw Lori cry (fear, and …) • When her crying stopped affecting him the same way (damaged empathy) • Did her tears make him want to just get better at HIDING? (the honest answer) • The story he told himself to pretend her pain didn't exist • The moment she stopped crying and why THAT finally scared him • Did he feel bad for her… or for how it made him look? For Partners: If he’s seen your pain through your tears and still nothing changed, this video explains why. Plus, Jay reveals what finally broke through his hardened heart. For Addicts: This conversation shows the difference between feeling bad about messing up vs. feeling bad for the person you hurt. It also challenges you to see your wife's tears as a sign of pain instead of a sign of your worth? Plus: The accounting vs. math analogy that helped Jay understand what Lori needed (and WHY IT DIDN'T LAST). NOTE: We're trying a new editing style, going from natural but long to choppier and shorter. (Tell us which you prefer!) CHAPTERS 00:00 Intro (new editing = choppier.) 01:23 What did you feel when I cried? 06:51 EMOTIONAL MATURITY EQUALS… 08:42 Did you feel bad for me (vs your image)? 11:12 What did you FEEL IN YOUR BODY in the breakthrough moment? 12:20 When did my crying STOP affecting you the same way? 14:58 Did you feel ANNOYED when I cried? 15:33 Did my tears ever make you feel powerful? 18:24 Did you only cry over own feelings… or for me? 19:16 What story did you tell yourself to pretend my pain didn't exist? 20:16 Did watching me cry make you want to get better at HIDING? 21:15 Did you ever feel bad about NOT feeling bad? 22:37 What was hardest: the emotion or consequences? 24:12 Did it SCARE YOU MORE when I stopped crying (indifference) 25:49 Questions for viewers & Sneak Peek -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
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    27 min
  • Did You Think I WAS TOO WEAK to Leave? (What Addicts Think Abt Consequences)

    Did You Think I WAS TOO WEAK to Leave? (What Addicts Think Abt Consequences)
    Oct 20 2025
    HONEST QUESTION: Did you ever think 'SHE'LL NEVER LEAVE ME, so I can keep doing this'? Most partners wonder if their addict secretly believed they could get away with it forever. In this brutally honest conversation, Jay answers questions that keeps betrayed spouses up at night, including: DID YOU THINK I WAS TOO WEAK TO LEAVE? His answer might surprise you. What you'll discover: • Why Jay believed 'people leave' but kept lying anyway (the twisted logic of addiction) • The moment I stopped being the 'good Christian girl' and what finally changed • Did he see my staying as weakness or strength? (you need to hear this) • How addicts put 'stock in their ability to lie' and why that delusion keeps them trapped • The difference between desperate plate-spinning vs. mastermind manipulation (who we work with) • When it finally hit him that I wasn't going to tolerate this forever (it wasn't what I expected) FOR PARTNERS: If you've ever wondered whether your loyalty is being used as a weapon against you, this conversation validates everything you're feeling. Jay reveals what was really going through his mind when I stayed, when I threatened to leave, and when I finally meant it. FOR ADDICTS: If you're thinking 'just one more time' or 'she'll never find out,' you need to hear why that thinking is borrowed time, not clever strategy. PLUS: What I did every time we had a bad conversation (separating boxes, DIY divorce books, and the grief that always followed). COMMENT BELOW: Do you ever feel like YOUR LOYALTY OR KINDNESS is used against you? TIMESTAMPS 00:00 Intro: Did you think I'd never leave? 00:34 Did you think she'll never leave me, so I can keep doing this? 01:42 Did you think you'd never face real consequences? 03:29 Did you ever test my limits? 04:14 Did it ever sink in that I might actually leave? (Lori's experience) 06:13 What I did with MY ANGER (separating boxes & DIY divorce) 07:16 Did you realize my staying wasn't the same as healing? 08:22 Did you misinterpret my silence as a GREEN LIGHT? 10:09 Did you mentally calculate how much I'd put up with? 11:24 Was your ABILITY TO LIE A SOURCE OF PRIDE? 12:34 Did you see me as WEAK FOR STAYING? (his answer surprised me)* 15:04 The type of men we work with 15:40 How many times did you think 'she'll never find out'? 17:22 The moment I stopped being the 'good Christian girl' 17:28 QUESTION FOR VIEWERS: Is your loyalty used as a weapon? -- To Rebuild Trust - https://thecouplecure.com/contact-me/ To Recover from Betrayal Trauma - https://pornpainhealed.com/contact-me/ Guys to Schedule a Free Call with Jay - https://porniskillingme.com/schedule-a-free-intro-call/ To Say Thanks ("Tip Jar") - https://buy.stripe.com/8wM6pe74F9LsdkA8ww -- Who is This Channel For? If porn addiction has you stuck--whether you want freedom as an addict, or you want the pain to stop as a betrayed spouse, or you need trust rebuilt in your relationship--this podcast can help. Our marriage was nearly destroyed by Jay’s porn addiction, but we found ways to make life and marriage much better than before. Now, as Trauma-Trained Certified Mentors, we’re using those best practices to help you find the peace, joy and love you’re seeking. #narcissisticabuse #gaslighting #toxicrelationships #marriagehealing #trustissues #emotionalabuse #christianmarriage #deception #betrayal #relationships #pornaddiction #marriageadvice
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    19 min