I spent over 40 years running from it. Four days ago, I ended up calling the suicide prevention hotline and scaring the hell out of myself. So I decided I needed to come out to my wife and kids, and I needed to ask for help. If I didn't, I wasn't going to survive. Of course, everyone had questions. And the psychiatrists and therapists that will be talking to me in a week will have questions. But I have been avoiding talking about this since I was 11, and I don't know how to talk about it. I don't even know how to articulate any of it, but I need to talk to someone. I can't wait a week or two for things to get started, and I can't explain to my wife what I can't even begin to understand what to say. And so I'm talking to you. You're my therapist. You're the one I'm going to run to when I need to talk. And I say this with the understanding that my wife may very well listen to it, and that's ok. My psychiatrist may even listen to it, and that's ok too. Hopefully, when the week is done, I can have a more articulate way of expressing myself, and I won't sound like a blubbering idiot when I talk to the keepers of the hormonal sacrament that must be pleased before I can get my Fem-n-Ms (estrogen) and finally get this whole adventure started.
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