Ruin Your Life Now

Did I just embarrass myself? (Probably, but let’s obsess over it for 12 hours.) Welcome to the official handbook for people who replay every conversation they've ever had like it's a humiliating movie they didn’t consent to star in.

From the chaotically overwhelmed mind of bestselling author Dicholas Chad Pansy comes the first-ever survival guide for empaths who have absolutely no idea how to stop absorbing other people’s problems like an unpaid emotional support sponge.

Are you tired of getting ghosted? Sick of waiting for that text back that will never come? Ever wondered how you, too, can master the art of emotional escape artistry? Good news, coward! This book is here to validate your worst instincts and teach you how to disappear like a true professional. Whether you’ve been ghosted, have done the ghosting, or just love chaotic dating disasters, this book is your hilarious, deeply unhinged guide to modern romance at its absolute worst.

Are you tired of people being happy around you? Do you dream of a world where no one dares to enjoy life in your presence? Congratulations! You’ve just found the ultimate guide to turning every interaction into an awkward, joyless nightmare. Whether it’s crushing enthusiasm, ruining weddings, or making sure no one ever tells you good news again, this book will teach you everything you need to become a certified Debbie Downer.

Congratulations! You’ve found yet another self-help book that you’ll skim through, feel briefly inspired by, and then completely ignore while continuing to make the same bad decisions.

Are you one minor inconvenience away from a full-blown existential crisis? Do you regularly Google how to do your own job while hoping nobody notices? Ever sat in a meeting nodding thoughtfully while having no clue what’s happening? Congratulations! You’re just like everyone else. This book is a highly questionable, deeply unserious guide to: Looking like you have your life together while internally screaming.

ATTENTION, WALKING RED FLAG: Do you panic when someone texts, “I miss you”? Have you ghosted someone while still liking all their Instagram posts? Does the idea of an actual healthy relationship make you want to jump out of a moving vehicle? CONGRATULATIONS. YOU MAY BE ENTIRELY INCAPABLE OF LOVE. But don’t worry—this book is not here to fix you. Instead, it will celebrate your terrible dating habits with: A step-by-step guide to self-sabotaging any relationship before it gets serious. The “Should I Text Them Back?” flowchart (spoiler: you won’t).

Are you tired of being emotionally stable? Do you wish you could turn every minor interaction into a full-blown existential crisis? Look no further than Maybe I'm the Problem? – the ultimate guide to professional self-gaslighting and strategic overthinking. From the brilliantly neurotic mind of Dicholas Chad Pansy comes a self-help book that will definitely not help you at all. Inside, you’ll learn essential skills like: Turning a simple "Hey" text into a three-day analysis of your entire life. Convincing yourself that your perfectly fine presentation was actually a career-ending disaster.

ATTENTION PERFECTIONISTS: If you’ve ever rewritten an email 14 times, physically cringed at a typo, or spent an hour debating whether to sign off with "Best" or "Sincerely"—this book is your personal attack. Do you spend an obscene amount of time making sure every minor detail of your life is flawless, only to burn out like an overheated laptop from 2006? Do you find yourself rewriting text messages to ensure they sound casual, yet professional, yet witty, yet effortless, yet not like you're trying too hard, but also not like you don’t care?

Congratulations! You’ve matched with a Tech Bro. Maybe he built a “disruptive” app that nobody asked for. Maybe he describes himself as an “entrepreneur” but lives with four roommates. Maybe he just pitched you a startup idea during your first date. Either way, welcome to the rollercoaster ride that is dating a man who thinks “Web3” is a personality. This hilariously brutal field guide will help you navigate, survive, and ultimately regret your decision to date a man whose primary relationship is with his second monitor.

WARNING: This is NOT a book for decisive people. If you know what you want in life and confidently make choices without having a full-blown existential meltdown, please move along. This book is for overthinkers, procrastinators, and chronically indecisive disasters who would rather launch themselves into the sun than commit to literally anything.

This is not a self-help book. This is a self-detachment book. If you’re ready to become an unshakable force of calm indifference, to stop letting life stress you out, and to fully embrace the Stoic art of not giving a single damn, this is the book for you.

"Therapy is Expensive, So I Just Gaslight Myself" is the ultimate self-help book for people who have absolutely no intention of helping themselves. Filled with bad coping mechanisms, self-deception strategies, and the sheer audacity to pretend everything is fine, this book is here to validate your disastrous life choices.

From the deeply unqualified mind behind every bad decision you’ve ever made comes "What Am I Even Doing? (No Seriously, Someone Tell Me)," a deeply unhelpful guide to overanalyzing your entire existence, making terrible impulse purchases, and aggressively avoiding reality. In this book, you’ll find zero useful advice, but you WILL find an emotional breakdown disguised as a shopping spree—because spending $500 on throw pillows is easier than going to therapy.

If you’ve ever found yourself in a conversation thinking, “I have no idea what I’m talking about”—this book is your salvation. In The Bullsht Artist’s Handbook*, self-proclaimed overthinker and professional nonsense generator Dicholas Chad Pansy offers a brutally honest, wildly practical guide to dominating conversations, debates, meetings, and social events with zero actual knowledge. No degrees, facts, or preparation required—just the audacity to sound like you know what you’re doing.