Welcome back to NonMembers Only! We kick off on National "Evaluate Your Life" Day as Erin unpacks a genuinely brutal birthday weekend. After attending a devastating funeral on Friday that left her filming brand ads with severely swollen eyes, she spent her actual birthday standing in torrential rain to run a hydration station for the LBI 18 Miler, getting so soaked her sweatpants were falling down. She also shares the hilariously unhinged greeting card her seven-year-old made for her mom after a minor tractor-trailer accident, and recounts the extreme anxiety of her first post-college job at a nanotechnology startup—which ended with her quitting on the spot after the owner screamed at them for opening a door to avoid carbon monoxide poisoning. In sports, we check in on the Pepto Pugskins fantasy football team, as Mike and Erin learn the hidden tabs for undrafted players. We also discuss the Olympic torch traveling to Hawaii in an archaic miner's safety lamp for the LA 2028 games, and formally announce that our highly anticipated trip to the Microsoft Excel Championships has been canceled due to budget cuts—though it's a blessing in disguise. We also marvel at a jump rope champion's wildly fast 30-second speed run and the terrifying flash floods that resulted in zero finishers at the grueling Moab 240 endurance race. In "Erin's Tea Time," we expose the Chinese running influencer who bragged about her Berlin Marathon PR before getting stripped of her time and dropped by her sponsors when photos proved she hitched a ride on an e-bike. We also evaluate a new fitness study proving that simple rest and sleep are just as effective as expensive "dude-bro" recovery hacks like cold plunges. We discuss a grandfather's live WWI artillery shell doorstop, celebrate 61-year-old Donna Jean Wilde's five-hour world record plank, and finally, in "No Bad, No Sad," smile at a wholesome video of 2026 Nobel Prize winner Carl Deisseroth sharing his massive optogenetics award with his ecstatic kids.

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We kick off the episode celebrating National Farmers Day by debating whether baling hay makes farmers actual athletes, before diving into our lingering disgust over lettuce grown with manure "poo water" . We finally swallow our pride to share the embarrassing origin story of our podcast, which all started during the pandemic when Sam gifted Erin one of Mike's Pizza Pocket Hoodies. In gaming news, Erin explains how she's escaping the "dopamine pit" of unfulfilled fitness goals by playing a relaxing Pokémon game (Pokemon Pokopia) and trying out Pathbound, a fantasy walking app that uses real life steps as stamina to smite hollow pixies. We also discuss Steppa, an app where users bet on hitting their 10,000 daily steps for a share of a $170,000 prize pool. On the sports front, we share a quick "Pepto Pugskins" fantasy football update, lamenting how the autodrafting might not be the smartest thing.

In our news roundup, we review the controversial new spectator rules for the upcoming New York City Marathon, which officially ban confetti cannons and unauthorized sponsored cheer stations. We also discuss New York's new high-tech "robot toilets" equipped with a strict 10-minute time limit. Shifting to the extreme, we react to an athlete attempting to kayak 700km down the deadly Congo River basin alongside gorillas and hippos. In the collectibles and marketing world, we applaud the genius "NASCAR Swear Jar" campaign that lets fans guess the cumulative number of driver expletives to win a cash pot, and we marvel at Michael Jordan's $12.2 million game worn jersey being sold by Rob G., the same entrepreneur who recently purchased a Jai Alai league.

We also squeeze in a serious health update, as Erin details her agonizing wait for genetic testing results and surgical consultations for her sentinel lymph nodes following a melanoma diagnosis. To lighten the mood, we explore the fun of magnet fishing in rivers for lost trinkets and marvel at the discovery of an 1884 shipwreck recently uncovered on the shores of Nantucket. We also follow up on the dedicated DoorDash driver who got into a severe car accident; his loyal customers have since raised $15,000 for him. Finally, in "No Bad, No Sad," we highlight the wholesome journey of a Japanese man biking from Chicago to LA who experienced the best of American hospitality when a stranger invited him to stay in his home, and a police officer helped push his heavy bike up a steep bridge.

👋 New from the Spotify Home Feed? Hit the [ + FOLLOW ] button at the top of your screen so you never miss our Monday morning rants! New episodes drop religiously every Monday at 5:00 AM EST.We kick off celebrating a massive 7,000 Instagram follower milestone and share an intimate 50th wedding anniversary recap before diving into a four-player session of Super Mario Wonder. We discuss upcoming Nintendo releases—including the highly anticipated Zelda: Ocarina of Time remake—and gawk at a Pokémon card that just sold for an eye-popping $1,020,000. Finally, we praise the USA Women's Wheelchair Basketball squad entering LA 2028 as reigning world champions.

Happy World Teacher Day! Erin shares hilarious comments about children unintentionally depict innocent moments—like burping a baby—as domestic violence. We celebrate a massive community milestone of officially crossing 7,000 Instagram followers to save the podcast from cancellation. Erin recaps her parents' 50th wedding anniversary, which traded a massive party for an intimate crab feast in a decorated screenhouse with plenty of champagne, followed by a rainy festival tailgate, multiple sleepovers, and Dan rushing to the shore to save their flooded garage as a rogue motorboat smashed into the bulkhead of the neighborhood mega-house.

Shifting into gaming and collectibles, Mike recaps a four-player session of Super Mario Wonder, while Erin delivers her ultimate marriage advice: playing duos in Fortnite together every night for communication and team building. We discuss upcoming Nintendo releases, including a viral gamer reaction video that convinced Erin to pre-order the Zelda: Ocarina of Time remake, and a new Kirby title that Erin insists was named after her middle name. They also gawk at the booming collectibles market after a 2004 PSA 10 Gold Star Pokémon card sold for an eye-popping $1,020,000—outpricing a Lamborghini. Meanwhile, the Pepto Pugskins celebrate their first fantasy football victory over team "Enhanced Mediocrity," as Mike and Erin break down their latest league discovery—trading players—and joke about their accidental telepathy after showing up to record in matching Reebok gear.

On the sports front, Erin highlights Paralympian Ezra Frech on Dancing with the Stars after an electrifying routine to "Apple Bottom Jeans" on a running blade. We also praise the USA Women’s Wheelchair Basketball squad for entering the LA 2028 Paralympics as reigning world champions, debate why certain wheelchair sports are mixed-gender while basketball remains separate, and recount Mike's humbling realization of how difficult shooting hoops actually is. In the "Is It a Sport?" segment, we examine Carnegie Mellon University's 100-year-old Buggy race tradition, where students squeeze headfirst into tiny composite shells and steer inches from the pavement while pushed by sprinters, alongside a viral video of a rookie firefighter getting body-slammed by an over-pressurized hose. For "Erin's Tea Time," we deconstruct the viral clip of a baseball-game mom baby-wearing while balancing three food trays; while the internet instantly vilified the sitting husband, a follow-up revealed he was grieving, had offered to help, and was thrilled just to be on TV. Finally, "How About We Just Die" features a Long Island woman getting swallowed whole by an unexpected backyard cesspool sinkhole, before "No Bad, No Sad" wraps up on a sweet note with eight-year-old twin girls celebrating their dream birthday party inside a local Ace Hardware with custom aprons, tool buckets, and potted plants.